tagHumor & SatireWant to Screw My Wife?

Want to Screw My Wife?

bydavidwatts©

There comes a point in your life when I think we become too old to learn new things, at least that's the way it is for me. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm getting too old to make new friends as well, because this last attempt didn't work out too well, as I think this story will explain.

***

1. The invitation.

It started out as what I had assumed was an innocent attempt to begin a friendship. Earl Lane had begun working in our unit about six months ago, and seemed to be a decent enough guy who was trying real hard to make friends around the workplace. A little too hard sometimes for my tastes, but who am I to judge? Being a rather aloof and quiet guy myself almost everyone seems that way to me much of the time.

Earl had been inviting me to come by his place for about a month and I was running out of excuses. Finally one day I gave in reluctantly when he came rushing up to me while I was headed out the door.

"Dave... Dave wait up!" Earl gasped while running up to me. His glasses were sliding down his nose and he was juggling his briefcase and assorted other things as he hustled alongside me.

"What's up Earl?" I asked while continuing on my way to the elevator. It was Friday and I don't even like coming to work on Friday, much less hanging around a minute longer than I have to when I do decide to make an appearance.

"Why don't you come over to my place tommorow night Dave? I got this incredible new widescreen television, and there's a great NASCAR race on, the Daytona 500. You gotta see it on this screen! It's just like being there! Why, you can almost smell the rubber burning!" Earl was almost beside himself with excitement.

Frankly, I'm not all that big on the smell of rubber burning, or NASCAR for that matter. It's alright, and I'll admit that I'll watch it if it's on, but I don't plan my life around it. Still and all, I didn't have anything going on tomorrow night and it was an excuse to drink beer, as Earl reminded me on the elevator.

"Okay, count me in," I finally conceeded.

Earl looked so happy I thought he was going to cry, and I felt good about myself. It seemed to mean so much to him for me to come over to his place. How bad could this end up?

2. Earl's house.

Earl's house was a very, very, very fine house, you might say. A nice colonial in a decent neighborhood surrounded by a lot of other nice colonials. Earl was actually waiting at the door when I pulled up in front of the house and ran up to my car as I was getting out.

Earl is probably in his late thirties, about ten years my junior. He's about 5'7" and thinly built, with wavy brown hair that's showing signs of retreating. For once he didn't have a tie on, and his pocket protector was missing as well.

"Great to see you my man!" Earl chirped happily as he took the bag from my hands. "Oh, you didn't have to bring anything Dave!" he added while looking into the bag at the assorted snacks I had brought and the Rolling Rock 12 pack in my hand.

"Never come empty handed is my motto Earl," I offered in response as I followed Earl into his house.

"Honey, Dave's here!" Earl crowed as we entered the place.

Apparently I was about to meet Mrs. Earl, who he was always babbling about at work. Sure enough around the corner comes his wife, a woman about Earl's age and height, a bleached blonde who was somewhat attractive in an offbeat way. Sort of like a younger version of Rose Marie on the old Dick Van Dyke Show. She was smiling like she was happy to see me too; not so much as Earl was, but that was not humanly possible since Earl's face was on the verge of exploding.

"Dave, I'd like you to meet my wife Liz!" Earl said proudly.

"I'm SO pleased to meet you Dave," Liz said as she gave me a big hug. "Earl's told me so much about you that I feel like I know you already!"

"Same here," I said in response as Liz continued her embrace, her chunky body grinding up against me in a rather affectionate fashion.

"Some gal, isn't she Dave?" Earl asked. "Isn't she a dream?"

"Sure is Earl, you're a lucky man," I said searching for words as well as for a way to stop Liz from repeatedly rubbing her sizeable breasts across my stomach.

I finally managed to break the embrace, but not before getting a kiss from Liz; a kiss that seemed headed for my lips before I managed to divert it to my cheek. Good grief, don't these people ever see other human beings?

"Follow me Dave," Earl said as he grabbed my arm and directed me toward this television that I had to see to believe.

3. Start your engines!

The television was just as incredible as Earl had promised, and I praised to the hilt. This pleased Earl as much as I knew it would, but in fact it was a great looking set that I was envious of. Widescreen and with incredible definition as well, it looked sensational in Earl's downstairs rec room. He had it set up like a theatre with a bar as well. It was a damn nice set up old Earl had down here. We watched some pre-race stuff while tossing down a brew.

"Say Dave, if you want you can spend the night," Earl said. "If you feel like you've had too much to drink that is. We've got plenty of room."

"I'll keep that in mind," I responded, and while I didn't think that was going to happen, I sure wouldn't mind playing around with the television all night.

"Snacks for you boys!" came a voice from behind us, and Liz came into the room with a tray of cheese and crackers, pepperoni and dips. Liz came around and set the tray on the coffee table in front of us.

This was very wrong. That's what I remember thinking as I watched Liz manuevering around the table, bending and reaching. The wrong part was the fact that Liz was wearing a nightie. A rather provocative one at that, and when I say that she bent over with her ass in my face, I say that literally.

Her ass was in my face. No panties, just ass. Two very plump buttocks very visible. I looked over to Earl who made a weird, Groucho-like eyebrow raising movement with his face while he grinned.

"Nothing better than a great race... except for a hot babe, right Dave?" Earl panted as Liz smiled and walked out, her massive mammaries swaying unshackled within the mauve satin.

I was tempted to ask him when the hot babe was coming by, but resisted the urge and simply nodded.

"Say, before the race starts, I've got something I want to show you," Earl said.

4. Home movies.

I wolfed down some chips while Earl fiddled around with some electronic equipment set up by the television. He came back to the couch with a remote in one hand and a couple of beers in the other, handing me one.

"Gotta show you this Dave," Earl said while he sat down next to me and diddled with the remote. "You strike me as the kind of man that'll appreciate something like this."

With that he waved the remote in the direction of the front of the room. Gone was the image of Tony Stewart yelling at somebody for something, and a new image appeared. Earl's wife.

Liz stood by a dresser in what appeared to be a bedroom, and she said something that was inaudible before she nodded and started swaying her hips. There was music playing in the background but it was so garbled that I couldn't make out what was playing.

"I screwed up the sound in the beginning," Earl said nervously. "Don't worry, it gets clearer as it goes on."

Indeed it did. As "Super Freak" blared out of a boom box, Liz started unbuttoning her blouse while looking at the camera and wiggling around in an attempt at looking seductive. I looked over to Earl who was rocking back and forth in time with his wife and staring at the screen like it was the burning bush.

The blouse came off, revealing a huge long-line bra that was straining to hold back an enormous pair of breasts. The bra came off soon after and a pair of gigantic tits lurched down to her thick waist, with fat crimson nipples centered in coaster-sized aureolas.

"Oh baby, how about them hooters!" Earl cackled while slapping me on the back.

Trying to pick my lower jaw off the floor was no easy task, and it became tougher when Liz dropped her slacks and panties. She ran her pudgy fingers up and down her thick pussy lips, spreading them apart for all to see. Since her pussy was shaved except for little caterpillar-sized strips of fur around the opening, there was quite a lot to see. Who ever thought that shaving pubes was sexy obviously hadn't met Liz.

"Got something for me to stick in here Earl?" Liz cooed while smiling at the camera.

The camera nodded yes, making me feel a little queasy seeing all of this on the big screen. Now I knew what was going to happen. I was going to get stuck watching Earl and his cherubic wife hump.

Well, as it turned out I didn't have it quite figured out. From out of nowhere this gigantic black guy comes into the picture. The guy's naked, and he's waving around this incredibly large schlong as he comes up to Liz.

"Ooooh Earl, you found me a big one!" Liz squealed, and took the guy's cock in her hand.

After pulling on the cock a few times, she started sucking on the thing. It got hard pretty quickly, as Liz enthusiastically gobbled as much of it as she could while her hand kneaded the guy's nut sack.

"Your old lady gives good head man!" the black dude said to Earl, who I assume was working the camera.

Earl was moving around with the camera, trying to give artistic camera angles of his wife and this guy, and failing for the most part. His hands must have been shaking and the excessive camera movement was making me seasick. I reached for my beer and drained it while trying not to look at the television, but it was like trying not to look at a train wreck.

"Liz can sure suck a mean cock, can't she Dave?" Earl said while handing me another beer.

As for me, I was speechless, and merely continued watching as the guy tossed Liz back on the bed and climbed between her legs. The camera wobbled as he came around to get the penetration of this big dick going into his wife's pussy.

"OH YEAH!" Earl howled while slapping me on the back. "Do you believe that Dave? In 1987 that dude was the last player that the New York Knicks cut in training camp!"

The not-quite Knick began thrusting into Liz ferociously, as she moaned and kept looking at the camera while making comments about how big the guy's cock was, and how much better a fuck he was than her husband. A glance at Earl indicated no shame or embarrassment, but more of a look of a proud papa, as she degraded him with glee.

Then it got worse. From the other side another black guy came into the picture. Equally naked, but old enough to be everybody's father, the old geezer came over to stand above Liz's head, pulling on his limp dick while he dropped his balls onto Liz's face. She took each nut into her mouth and sucked vigorously, one after the other, while the guy jerked off in an attempt to get hard.

"You recognize that guy Dave?" Earl said excitedly. When I shook my head no he seemed disappointed. "He used to be a preacher at the Baptist church down near work," he explained to me. "His cock isn't quite as big as they other guy's is."

Well, I guess you can't have everything, I thought to myself as the spectacle continued to roll on. The two guys changed places for a little while, and then they stood on opposite sides of Liz while she went back and forth on the two cocks, sucking and licking like a maniac.

The camera panned back and the big guy was on his back while Liz straddled him, slowly taking his huge cock into her pussy. The preacher climbed onto the bed and Earl the cameraman ran over to catch the sight of the old guy sticking his long uncircumsized member into Liz's ass.

"Whoa mama!" Earl said with delight. "Almost filled to capacity, huh Dave? Wait till you see what comes next!"

The camera moved unsteadily around to the top of the bed and zoomed in on Liz's sweaty face dripping on the guy beneath her while she grimaced with each of the preacher's thrusts into her ass.

"You got something for me too baby?" Liz said to the camera.

The camera went up and down to indicate that yes indeed, Earl did have something for Liz,, and the camera panned down to show Earl pointing his pecker toward his wife's face.

"I've got a real little dick, haven't I Dave?"

My mouth moved but nothing came out, as I was still hypnotized by the screen. Liz's mouth enveloped Earl's rather modest sized pecker in one gulp. The guy on the bottom screamed at Earl to "keep your puny shit outta my face!" while Liz sucked on Earl's dick over his head.

The camera shook again for a second and then Earl pulled his withering dick out of Liz's mouth, mercifully having lasted only about 30 seconds if that. Liz opened her mouth wide to allow the camera to capture the sight of her mouth and the load of Earl's sperm deposited inside.

I got up and went over to the refrigerator and grabbed another beer as the two black guys resumed fucking Liz. It ended a few minutes later with the guys pulling their cocks out of Liz's openings and shooting their loads all over her face, all lovingly captured in great detail by her faithful husband/cameraman. As the preacher rubbed his drooling cock on one cheek and the ex-basketball player dribbled over the other, the camera slowly panned down for a close-up of Liz's crotch, which revealed both orifices were gaping wide open like miniature Lincoln Tunnels. At last, the movie finally ended.

"So, what do you think about that?" Earl said as he lept to his feet, almost ready to start applauding the performances we had just witnessed.

5. What do I think?

I stared at Earl for a long time, trying to find the right words. He came over to me after a time and stood next to me by the bar.

"What do I think?" I asked in disbelief. "What possessed you to show me that?"

"Pretty hot, wasn't it?" Earl suggested. "Bet you wouldn't mind grabbing a piece of that sweet meat yourself, right Dave?"

"Are you serious? When did I ever say or do anything to suggest that I would be interested in screwing your wife."

"Heck Dave, you like girls, don't ya?" Earl asked. "Liz would go nuts over a guy like you. I mean, you're a good looking guy and you've got a big cock and everything."

"I do?" I asked while trying to figure out when I had obtained that without knowing it, and then quickly came to the conclusion that to Earl almost everybody else's cock must look big in comparison. "How the hell would you know anyway?"

"Well, I gave your equipment a peek when we were at the urinals at work one day," Earl said.

"You did?"

"Yeah. Liz loves the guys with big dicks, and I get off by watching her fuck other guys. Man, I gotta admit I've fantasized about watching Liz wrap her lips around your cock ever since that day. She is so good at it man, just wait and see for yourself."

I took a step back and looked at this guy that I worked with, and thought I knew at least a little.

"What's the matter Dave?" Earl asked.

"I'm trying to decide," I said curtly.

"Oh yeah?" Earl said while shifting his weight from foot to foot and grinning like an idiot.

"Yeah, I'm trying to decide who's crazier, you or her," I said angrily.

"Crazy?" Earl said while recoiling in shock.

"Yeah, I think you're both wackier than shithouse rats!" I snapped. "I can't believe that you would not only encourage your wife to do that stuff, but you would film it and get off on it besides!"

"Geez, it's just sex," Earl said while looking hurt. "I thought you were a regular guy... a guy that would get a thrill out of getting it on with a woman like Liz."

"A thrill?" I cackled insanely. "After seeing that show I wouldn't get near that pussy for love or money. Hell, she's gotta be like a living petri dish for every friggin' germ and virus conceivable. Fuck her? Damn, right now I'm praying she didn't make the dip!"

I worked my way toward the door, where I noticed that his wife had been posed provocatively in the doorway during this rant.

"Excuse me!" I said as I slipped around her and headed up the stairs.

"He's probably a homo!" Liz squawked at my back as I departed.

"If I had to watch that tape any longer I might have started to consider that as an option," I snapped back over my shoulder.

"Liz please, I gotta work with the man," I heard Earl hiss at his wife as he ran up the stairs to catch me.

"Look Dave, I'm sorry," Earl said as he tried to block me from leaving. "Please let's forget about this ever happening, okay?"

"Forget it?" I howled as I brushed past him. "I'll never be able to forget it because that's burned into my memory bank for all time, but I won't tell anybody at work if that's what you're worried about."

I stopped when I got outside the door and turned to face my ashen-faced colleague.

"Do us both a favor," I told Earl through the screen. "When you see me at work don't give me any more than a hello, understand?"

"Okay Dave. Whatever you say."

"And if I ever see you within ten feet of me when I'm standing at a urinal, you'll have that big blue tablet halfway down your throat before you know what hit you!"

For the record, Jeff Gordon won the Daytona 500, the end of which I caught safely at home on my boring 32" TV. By next year, I'll have forgotten that. The rest will be staying with me for quite a time.

*****

Thank you for reading. As always, your comments are welcomed.

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