Vision Ch. 06

I do apologize for the random Chapter inserts in the posts. I have this typed in its entirety and am editing as I write re-write and post - it gets a bit crazy, but hopefully the meaning is not lost. Again, thank you so so much for the kind words and encouragement, feel free to question and critique - please post comments I am still learning as I go and having a great time with this!!

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Up at 5 am for a long grueling trip, 15 hours straight to Mauritius and then 3 more to the Seychelles, an entire day of travel. I loathe flying.

Thankfully, I end up sleeping most of the way. I am almost rested by the time I touch down in Praslin. My poor-boy French comes in handy. Easily getting a cab to the hotel I drop my bag off with the clerk before going down to the beach. It's almost six pm. The sun will be setting soon.

She ran away to paradise. I force myself to slow down and take it all in. I sit down and take off my shoes. Rolling up my jeans, I knot my shoe laces and throw them over my shoulder. Pink, sugar soft sand, very fine, blue water golden sunset, postcard beautiful. I walk around a clump of trees.

There's a girl reclining on a folding chair staring intently at the setting sun. Not only has my little Toffee girl has turned milk chocolate dark, she's cut her hair. I hate it when women cut their hair but as rakish as it is she's prettier than ever, all cheekbones, eyes and lips.

My walking catches her eye and she glances distractedly in my direction and then cocks her head to the side and looks my way again. She blinks and gives her head a slow shake.

I reach her chair. "That bikini is outrageous."

She looks up at me, eyes big as saucers.

"You're missing the sunset."

"What? . . . How?"

I smile at her. "Finish your sunset. There's plenty of time for talk."

Her eyes follow me as I sit in the sand beside her. She's still curvy, but altogether leaner and smaller. That dark red bikini is no joke, there's not enough of it. I can't help but stare.

"You got pretty dark."

"Well I am black Dax."

She snaps irritably.

I chuckle to myself.

"I missed that."

And just like that I've earned my first tiny smile.

There's a dark golden glow to her skin like the sun has in my absence been loving her all over, touching her when I couldn't, kissing her shoulders, legs, hair and cheeks, lovelier than I remembered. She really cut her hair though.

I decide to start with the obvious. "You look beautiful Lulu."

She thanks me with a timid smile.

"I came a long way to apologize."

She frowns slightly, looking vaguely confused. "Apologize?"

"Yes, apologize for the many things I'm sorry about. Eddie explained."

Her look instantly sharpens.

"She didn't betray you. You covered your tracks well but I found you on my own. She told me a little about your history and what happened with the pregnancy."

Clearing her throat she says, "I should have tried harder . . . to tell you. I just didn't know how. I didn't think you'd ever forgive me. You were so very angry."

She looks down.

The sun has finally set and the sky is blue and gold and purple and red, it's glorious. Calming by degrees, she starts to fidget. Standing swiftly, she folds the chair.

"It's almost dinner time, you must be exhausted. Did you check in?"

This could get awkward.

"I dropped my bag off, but am hoping I can crash with you tonight. There are only 9 rooms and they all appear to be booked."

"Of course." Under her breath I think I hear, "What is it with you and hotels?"

She gives her head another shake as if to clear it.

"I can carry that for you." I reach out to take her chair.

"No, it's ok, I've got it." She clutches the chair, using it as a shield, skittish. From the vein pulsing in the side of her neck I can see her heart beating a mile a minute.

We walk quietly to her room, which from the outside looks like a small beach shack, but is in fact quite modern. Extracting a robe from the closet she puts it on. Modesty. Ok different.

I take a look around. Exposed stonewalls and wooden beams make it very cozy, a rather small sofa, television, an iMac, a shower, tub, huge bed; all the basics of home. Picturesque ocean and park views from the two small balconies.

"You certainly run away in style."

"It is what it is - standards you know." She shrugs. I missed her sass.

"Did you want a shower? Those are some pretty long flights."

"Yeah, it'd be good to rinse the road off me."

We stand looking at each other.

"There are plenty of towels and I have soap from home, so feel free."

She gives a forced smile and leaves the room. Any other time we'd be showering together. Already I'm wondering if she has tan lines.

Despite the humidity I quickly take a hot shower. I start to shave, but stop remembering how she likes me slightly stubbled. I give a quick trim, carefully cleaning the sink afterwards. I have not flown almost nine thousand of miles to piss her off the first night.

A shirt, jacket and slacks and I look ok. On the bed, she's laid out a pair of slacks, a simple top and some little panties. I've missed the sight of those. Hearing a voice followed by her exasperated sigh, I stop to listen. She's video chatting, whispering frantically.

"Fine, fine, fine. I believe you. I think I know how he came to be here. June's the only one I email because I have to. But I was beyond careful - the messages bounced off I don't know how many places before reaching me. I don't understand how he found me."

"C'mon think Lou. The man is your chief information officer. Hell, I'm surprised he didn't find you sooner. Hacked my email accounts several times when I didn't to tell him where you were. He's actually as stubborn as you, maybe even more so. I can't believe he waited as long as he did, but it's pretty impressive that he came after you. That's a long way to fly, even for the likes of you," says Eddie.

"You may not have told him where I was but you fucking told him everything else. I know it was you Freddo!"

"Look heifer, don't go calling me Freddo. To quote your other beloved Wilde - Oscar that is, 'Friends stab you in the front' it was for your own good. You two deserve each other being as he's just like you, a bit of a tyrant, but on the DL. I'm beginning to see how that might be difficult, two hard-asses trying to hook up. But he's good for you. I say give it a chance, because I've not seen you smile so much in years and I love seeing you so happy my friend."

"He drives me round the bend but he's so good to me I just about can't stand it. It won't work though, it can't. He really wants kids. This experience has definitely taught me that. And he's so good Ed, so genuinely good that he should have everything he wants."

Her voice is thick and choked with emotion. I want to go to her.

"I've never known a man I could say that about. I try but I don't think I'm nearly as kind to him as he is to me and if I can't give him children then what's the point. I'm nowhere near ready to adopt. Not to mention if I want to make partner before I'm 35, I won't have the time a kid requires. He's 41 Ed and he really wants children . . ."

"I think he just wants you Lou." Ed says softly.

"You've seen those eyes of his, hell you should meet his father, eyes like two drops of honey. It'd be a shame to let genes like that go to waste. It'll be something that eats at us over the years."

"Harry's looking for you too. I've sworn Lenny to secrecy and you'd have to pry it from Lili's cold dead hands before she'd tell a soul. It's a raw deal you're dealing him Lou, you guys are friends, you go from talking all the time to hardly speaking at all."

Lou groans. "There's more to that story than I care to relate right now. What the hell did you do to get Lenny to keep a secret, from Harry of all people?"

"Never you mind. What's up with Harry?"

"I love Harry; always will but I consider him family. We've tried repeatedly and it worked in high school its just not working for us as adults, we're just better as friends, the minute we try to hook up he gets clingy and possessive and impossible."

"I don't know him in any other context but to my eyes, Dax seems possessive and impossible too when it comes to you." Says Ed.

"Dax is possessive and impossible. Maybe that's just how men are, but he's not whiney about it. And there's that other thing. Harry and I are just not compatible like that."

"So you keep saying. But bodies are bodies, what you do with one you can most certainly do with another. I know you know how to take control by now."

"I'm always in control, at work, dealing with the family . . . the last thing I want is another thing to have to control. I'm looking to give up control.

Bodies are not interchangeable, you can do the same things but you won't necessarily get the same results. Comparatively speaking being with Harry was like being with most men, somewhat enjoyable but I had to work at it."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean? Don't be vague, spit it out."

"If you must know. Dax makes me come every time. Every time. It's unprecedented, and addictive. We have frightening physical chemistry! I mean he goes there. He's like diabolically methodical about it and has been from the start, just slowly breaks me down. He knows where all the buttons are and how to press them just so. Rapture Eddie, from the first time, to the last time, every time."

"Every time? How is that possible? Jeez, how do you come up for air? I see how you ended up pregnant."

"Exactly. Harry and I . . . well the kissing was good and I could get there but it'd take me a while. He's . . . impatient, and gets upset when I try to point him in the right direction. Not to mention that first time was not exactly ideal."

"That was years ago Lou. I'm guessing he's learned a few things by now."

"Maybe . . . I dunno Ed I just can't do it. I love him but I'm not in love with him. At this point it'd be like sleeping with Lenny, deeply wrong. If we've not happened by now we're never gonna. He needs to get on with his life."

"Well then you need to tell him Lou and soon."

"I have done, I don't know how to be more brutally honest about it."

"So is it just sex or do you love Dax?"

"I love him desperately." Her voice cracks.

She loves me. Really loves me.

She swallows and gets herself together.

"He's come all that way, I think you need to be honest with him too." Says Ed softly.

"Yes, Dr. Phil."

"Good girl. Now if you don't mind, I'm rather late for lunch, which I am desperate for after all that talk of garlic-coconut infused lobster, so I'm going to ring off."

Lulu sighs and presses her lips together, grumbling. "Not bothering a soul and here he comes with all those teeth and that fucking dimple, hair cut just so, saying my name with that languid southern drawl, smiling his little smile. His timing as usual is just perfect. My boobs hurt; I'm moody and horny as hell. The man wasn't here 30 minutes before I snapped at him."

"Falling back into familiar patterns already I see." She chuckles darkly. "Well . . . be careful Lou. Ok?"

"Careful? I've been monitoring myself. I feel perfectly fine." She sighs heavily.

"He looks good - skinny, but really really good."

"I just checked your chart and it sounds like you're right on schedule. I'd rather you waited, you really should be checked out first - but if you must land on top of something large and pointy repeatedly, use protection!"

"I'm not ovulating It'd be perfectly fine. But give me a little credit. I do have some self-control."

"On the contrary, considering what you just said, I don't think you have a bit of self-control when it comes to Dax; he's like your kryptonite/heroin."

"Don't make this a click & tone conversation!"

"Ms. 'He looks really really good.' Eyes all glazed over. I saw you bite that lip!"

"Humph! Bye Ed!

Eddie cackles evilly. Lou narrows her eyes and stops the chat mid-cackle. She shakes her head and puts her face in her hands. I back up and walk around the corner making more noise than necessary.

I step out and she looks me up and down slowly and nods. It still kills me how attracted she is to me.

"You look nice. Give me 30 minutes."

"Take your time."

"Here's the computer if you need to check on things, there's not really much in the way of television here. I've been watching movies online."

"I'm fine bébé, go have your bath."

As promised, 30 minutes later she comes out, simple chic leather sandals and an audaciously short black strappy dress, the tight glister of her skin and that smile, the short curls framing her face just so. Diamond studs, and glossed lips.

"Lulu, you look . . ." Words fail me. It's like I've been sucker punched.

"As pretty as you, let's eat."

Dinner goes well, plenty of food, lots to drink. Coconut crème cake for dessert followed by espresso. She seems to be a favorite amongst the wait staff. They seem glad to see her eating so well and dessert no less; they take turns trying to ply her with bites from the dessert cart.

Interesting. She's in the bathroom when a large and hairy man approaches the table and holds out his hand to shake.

"I am Antreas. I do all the fishing and a little cooking sometimes." He says proudly.

"So you are husband? No? Well you should be, and soon. Don't let her travel alone, especially here. She's very pretty, it's not so good.

I give him a look.

"No, no, no. I mean no harm, but these are big rough guys over from Madagascar looking for goodtime girls and up to no good. I have been trying to watch out for her, we have some types around here. Big African fellows always sniffing around her. I won't have it.

She comes to eat, but every night no cake, we gave her almond cake the one night and she smiled and burst into tears, but now you are here, she smiles when she eats cake. That's how I know you are for her. She fishes you know, comes on boat with me to fish for crabs and then comes home to meet wife and kids. Speaks beautiful Greek, very smart", he taps side of his head. "Fixed tax debt for me - no problem. She's a good girl. Ok enough, tomorrow I want you to come to the house. I have a new batch of ouzo just ready."

She returns just as we finish talking. She looks as fondly at the big guy.

"So you've met Antreas, he's been teaching me how to trap lobsters and make ouzo, his wife does the most amazing things with fish, potatoes and lemon and Rosemary."

"Next, we teach you to play bourrée, then you will be perfect woman." Antreas says.

"Bourrée? I play a little bourrée myself."

"Really?" He rubs his hands together craftily. "Lou agapi mou, be sure to bring him by. I need to shore up my retirement savings. I have 6 kids you know."

Hugging him goodbye she chuckles and promises to come by soon.

"Let me pick up the tab?"

"There's no need."

"Really, I want to."

"No really. It's all included with the room." She leans forward whispering conspiratorially. "But if you want to leave them a huge tip, I somehow don't think they'd mind."

We step out into warm sultry fragrant breeze. There's no moon but it's pitch black here at the end of the world and the stars are super bright.

"Walk with me?"

She looks wary for a moment.

"That was a lot of food, maybe a walk is in order."

Taking off our shoes, we sink into the sugary soft sand. She inhales and sighs.

"Every night the whole island smells like flowers. Almost every night is like this unless it rains."

"Reminds me of the night blooming jasmine in Louisiana, but I think its plumeria. It's pretty strong; I bet I can find it."

I look around and sure enough glowing in the moonlight I spot a gorgeously large bush. I break off a spray of three blooms and give them a gentle shake to drive out any would be dwellers and place it in her hair.

She smiles and looks away

"Why'd you come here?" I ask.

"I was tired, overdue for a proper vacation. Besides we have business dealings in Mauritius and since I'd always wanted to come here it just all worked out. This place is on my bucket-list."

"You were that tired? Bucket list tired?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"Were you tired of me?"

She takes a deep breath and thinks carefully before responding. "I was tired of fighting, with you, with myself. I didn't know if you'd forgive me. It's not fair for me to keep you if I can't give you what you want."

"So it was a preemptive strike? Did I say I was leaving you? Did I walk out?"

"No, but you were so angry. You know, while I was taking the pregnancy test, once the initial fear passed and I worked things out in my head, in a flash I saw it all and how it could be and I actually wanted it. I wanted it so much Dax. I thought we could work it out. I'm still trying to work out how I got pregnant to begin with. It shouldn't have happened. I have rh negative blood it's damned near impossible for me to even get pregnant unless antibiotics are involved, and even then . . ." She trails off she catches my perplexed expression and begins again.

"I don't know what the hell you want with me. I'm not girlish and have only just gotten around to being ladylike on occasion. I'm spoiled, bad-tempered, impatient, stubborn . . . if I had a life motto it would be 'fuck it, I've got collision', I'm selfish, don't like to share - especially food, swear like a sailor on leave, I get pissed and take off, have been known to drink heavily, practically lie through my teeth for a living, and am almost constitutionally cruel. I'm vicious and I know it.

Your biggest crimes seem to be cyber stalking, drinking weirdly bad coffee and staying up coding to 3 am - comparatively speaking, you're almost saint-like, which is more than mildly annoying."

She doesn't lack self-awareness, but her view of self is rather skewed. She's much more than that.

"Lou, you're full of shit no doubt. But I happen to love your particular bullshit."

I smile down at her, but her eyes are welling up.

"This is what I don't want, all this emotion. I'm not built for this shit." She's beside herself right now.

"You wanted the baby?"

After a beat she nods. "Yeah, yes."

I wait for her to tell me the rest of it, but she's giving nothing away. I sigh. "Do you want to try again, someday?"

She gently shakes her head and shrugs at the end. "I don't know. Eddie says I'm fine and with careful monitoring it's a go, but I gotta admit I'm not so sure. Maybe, one day. I'm not ruling it out. There's always adoption.

But I've got plans for my life Dax. I also want good things for you. You want children."

I open my mouth to say something and she puts up a hand.

"And I'm not going to hold you up until I feel ready, it's not fair."

But she loves me. I heard her say it. She can't be thinking of ending it? My heart goes into free fall but I press on.

"You could have saved us a lot of heartache if you'd told me a little more about yourself."

"Right. How do you propose one broaches a conversation like that? Oh and you can forget kids. I'm damaged goods. I still remember the look on your face when I said I wasn't having any. I knew then that it wouldn't work and I tried to get you safely away from me.

We met in March, it's almost July. It was too early when we talked about this in April and it's still too fucking early for this conversation and if you tell me the story one more time about how your parents met and married in six weeks' time I will drown you and make it look like an accident."

I laugh a little at that.

"I want you, just you, cranky little you. And you are not to refer to yourself as damaged goods."

"Maybe, but you want kids and marriage too. I can't give you those things."

"Look, I don't care if you can't give me children. I don't care if you don't want to adopt. I don't care if you don't want to get married. If we have to shack up until the day we die that's fine, just stay with me. I cannot have you gone Lou, I just can't."