Unseen Love

Her voice cracked again and she paused before continuing. "Always says it's just a temporary break, you know? She'll see him again, she believes that with all of her heart, and she just refused to spend her last few years moping around and missing him. She'd tell me 'Bel-la'—she always said it like that, BEL-la—'Bella, if I'm going to be spending all eternity with your grandfather, I better come up with a few good stories to tell him when I get there otherwise we'll have nothing to talk about!'"

"She sounds like a lot of fun," I said.

"She is." I could almost picture Bella grinning. "She's been in a wheelchair for a couple of years now, and when she first got it, she used to make me sit on her lap so she could race around the hallways of the nursing home. And I'm not talking like, when I was a kid. I mean this was like two years ago. She just has so much fun with everything. There's always a bright side, always a silver lining."

I shifted slightly in my chair, tapping my fingers against my thigh. "Sounds like fun."

Bella laughed. "It was. I wish you could meet her, Danny. You'd love her. She'd give you a run for your money playing Scrabble, too. She and Grandpa used to do tournaments when they first retired. They were so in love. Just... so in love. I want that one day. My mom and dad didn't have that, they got divorced when I was like 11, but seeing my grandparents... it made me still believe in it."

I didn't know what to say, but Bella didn't seem to mind. For a few minutes, we sat quietly. I knew she was still there; Bella wouldn't just go back inside without saying goodbye or something. I could also almost sense her on the other side of that wall, unseen but there, a presence in that comfortable silence.

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"What's another favourite place in Toronto?"

"My apartment."

She giggled. "No, I mean to visit. Describe it to me just... so I can imagine it."

I thought for a moment, staring out over the balcony at the park across from the building.

"I haven't been there in years, not since... well, I would've been in my teens. But my absolute favourite place was the Bluffs."

"The Bluffs?"

"Yeah. The Scarborough Bluffs. It's like a... I dunno, a park, I guess. There's these really cool cliffs and there's a beach. It's kind of weird to think it's so close to the city because it feels like it's out in the backwoods somewhere. My brother and I used to get into all sorts of trouble around there. I think he takes his kids out there once in a while now."

"I didn't know you had a brother. And... nieces? Nephews?"

"One of each. Felicia and John." I smiled, thinking of the drawings Mark had emailed me the day before.

"You don't go out with them?"

"No, not really. Not, um, my scene anymore. It's a lot busier now, I guess. Back in the olden days, it was kind of a hidden gem."

Bella laughed. "You're not old enough to have olden days."

"I'm older than you, and back in my day, we respected our elders, missy."

"Ah, fuck off."

"What about you? Siblings?"

"Nope," she said. "Just me. I always told people I was an only child because my parents got it right the first time, but really I think I just exhausted my parents from the get-go. My whole family was super excited when I was born though. I already had a bunch of cousins, but they were all boys. I was the first granddaughter, which is why I got Grandma's name."

She talked more about her family and I listened, interjecting with comments here and there. Mostly I just enjoyed the sound of her voice, the way it lilted, the punctuating chuckles here and there. The day wasn't especially warm, but the air was fresh and the sun was out, and I could have sat there for hours listening to her.

When we finally agreed that we should both go back inside, her to finish some technical drawings and me to finish an article I was working on, I shut the balcony door somewhat sadly. The smile I'd had the entire time we were talking faded off my face.

I liked Bella. I'd never seen her, and she'd never seen me, and I'd known her for just over a week even though that week felt like it had been a year long, but I liked her. I liked her too much.

I knew I was setting myself up to be let down, but telling myself to stop getting so close to her was as painful as that unrequited heartbreak would be. Miserably, I moved in front of the computer and tried to focus on my article, pushing thoughts of Bella and her floating, bubbly laugh out of my mind.

Lockdown Day 21

I brought out a light blanket and felt like someone's grandfather as I sat on the balcony playing my move. There was some giggling and then almost a guffaw. It was weird and natural and endearing. The laugh was honest and unaffected. I just knew there was no way she would have let someone hear that laugh if she had thought about it.

"What's so funny?"

"Danny, did you just play 'penetrate'?"

"Um, yeah. You're not challenging, right? I definitely spelled that right."

She laughed. "Let me rephrase. Did you play 'penetrate' on the 'e' on my 'canine'? Danny, are you trying to tell me something?"

"Am I... What? Why... Oh. Oh, shit, Bella, no I was just..."

Well, that was embarrassing as hell.

"Sure, sure, sure. Not a problem, Mr. 14B Pervert."

"Bella, seriously, I just saw the letters as points. I wasn't trying to..."

She played 'wet' while I was talking. I laughed.

"Um, Bella, you know that 'qat' and 'cat' are different, right?"

"Is that a challenge, sir? Are you saying that I can't play 'wet' on 'qat'? Is there a problem with my qat getting wet?"

I was quiet for a minute.

"Danny?"

"Nope. Not a problem at all, Bella."

There was silence for a moment from both of us.

"I was just teasing a bit. Did... Was that too much?"

I shook my head. This was so far out of my comfort zone.

"No, of course not."

"Really? You can tell me. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. It's all good."

"Okay."

And just like that, the moment was gone.

We finished the rest of the game and I made an excuse to head inside. Just as I was closing the glass door, she called out.

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"We're good, right?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay."

Lockdown Day 23

It had been a long, weird day as I wondered if my ineptitude had ruined what was turning out to be the best relationship I'd had in years. Our conversations were stilted and we only played one game. Neither of us pushed things and aside from during that one game, we didn't talk or DM.

Whether it was the right move or not, I'd decided towards the afternoon that I had to do something, so I made another call. Sitting with my coffee and watching the sunrise, I waited to find out if I made things worse or better. It took until a little after noon to find out. I received a DM.

Game?

I typed quickly.

Sure. Be out there in 5

Bella broke the silence as I sat on my balcony.

"Really nice day."

"Yeah, last night was crazy. I didn't think it would ever stop raining."

"Right? And so damn hard, too. It shook my windows. So, I got another delivery today."

"You did?"

"Mmm-hmm. A bunch of cat food and a case of bottled water. You think someone's trying to tell me something?"

"I don't know. Could be. Gotta watch out for those perverts."

She laughed. "That's what they say about me."

Smiling, I passed my opportunity to make the first play. "Go ahead. You play first."

"Oh, how gallant. Not afraid of losing to the pervert?"

I snorted and immediately felt self-conscious. "You can beat me any day, Bella."

She began giggling. "Did you... Was that... Maybe you are the pervert."

Grinning, I replied. "C'mon, play your word. Stalling's not going to help."

And as quickly as that, we were back.

A few hours later I was talking to Mark on Facebook video.

"I don't know, she's... she's different. I just can't put it into words."

"Okay, I understand. That's happened to everyone at one time or another. What's she look like?"

"Actually, I don't know. With this whole pandemic thing, we've never seen each other. You've seen the balcony, it has that stucco wall thing on either end."

"So, you've never seen her?"

"Nope."

"That's different. You realize that Words With Friends is on Facebook, right? The same thing you're using right now? That you can see me with?"

"Right. I get you. It's just... I'm not really ready for that."

He gave a small smile and leaned back. "Okay, Danny. There's no rush. Tell me about her."

I did. About her mom and how she was a single child and the only granddaughter and about the grandfather she obviously loved and how close she was to her grandma. He eventually had to break in.

"That sounds really great and I love what I'm hearing, but the kids are demanding food. Can I call you tonight after we put them to bed?"

"Yeah, sure."

He leaned forward, grinning. "Danny, this is good. It's really good."

I couldn't help smiling back. "Yeah. Maybe."

Mark either forgot to call back or passed out immediately after Felicia and John went to bed. I was still feeling good after things went back to normal with Bella, so I didn't mind too much. I worked for a bit before telling myself I should really get some sleep, got ready for bed, and proceeded to decide I wasn't tired.

It felt later than it was, really. The world was quiet all the time these days and the sounds of the street and city outside my apartment were barely present. After browsing Netflix for something to watch and deciding nothing was worth starting, I shrugged a sweater on and went onto the balcony, thinking maybe the fresh air would settle me down.

I don't know if she heard me open the door or just sensed that I was there, but I had barely closed my own door when I heard Bella step onto her balcony.

"You out here?" she called.

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Smartass."

I chuckled.

"Wow," she said. "It's pretty."

"Pretty?" I snorted. "I don't think anyone in the history of the world has described Toronto as pretty."

"It is," she insisted. "It... shines."

I looked out at the city. Lights twinkled in the darkness, the occasional car drove in the distance, and every so often the streetlights switched from green to yellow to red. There was too much light to properly see the night sky, but even still, the fade from light to slightly less light was a smooth gradient that domed over us. Closer, the trees in the park across the street shifted in the breeze, leaves not quite fully sprouted from their buds.

The sounds of traffic were muffled and inconsistent. Every few minutes, there was a stretch of silence. No one was on the street yelling, no horns were being laid on, no music pounded through someone's souped-up car speakers. The air didn't have that hazy scent of smog it usually did. It felt almost crisp.

Seeing the city through her eyes was like seeing it for the first time. Staring out at that city, I felt like we were completely alone. It was a new feeling, a strange one. I was used to being alone, but this wasn't lonely. Bella was with me, looking at the same city, seeing the same sights, breathing the same air.

I didn't know if I liked that feeling yet. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I wanted to reach out and hold her hand. I wanted stuff I didn't think I should want.

Instead, I tapped my hand nervously on my thigh.

"I guess it does," I said unsteadily.

We were quiet for a few minutes. I'm not sure if she was lost in her thoughts, but I definitely wasn't lost in mine. I knew exactly what I was thinking, and it was that I'd never felt an ache quite like the one Bella brought with her. I didn't want any girl to make me feel like that, not when I knew it was hopeless to expect anything more than heartbreak.

I just couldn't help it.

"Danny?" she said.

"Yeah?"

"Do you like hugs?"

I laughed, startled. "Um, I guess."

She didn't laugh. Her voice was forlorn and serious in a way I hadn't really heard.

"I miss hugging people," she said. "I mean, I miss people in general. But I miss... touching. Don't you?"

I chuckled awkwardly. "Careful now. I might start to think you're flirting with me."

"Oh good, you've finally noticed. I have been for like, a week."

The laughter didn't fade, it simply cut off. I froze, mouth slightly open, unsure of what to say.

"Danny? Did I scare you off?" she asked after an uncomfortable length of time.

"No," I said, despite the fact that my heart was pounding terror through my entire body. "I just didn't expect... that."

"Why wouldn't you?" she said. "You're the one who started it."

"Me? What did I do?"

"I believe you were the one who threw down 'penetrate' and then found some dirty meaning behind my perfectly-innocent 'wet qat' play."

"At best, only half of that is true."

"Only half?" she asked. "So, you're not flirting with me?"

"What? No, I meant—"

"Oh, so you are flirting with me, then."

"I..." I paused, flustered, and cleared my throat. "Yeah. I guess I am."

"Am I coming on too strong?" she asked. "Tell me to back off. I won't be offended. I mean, I'll be completely broken-hearted and may never recover from the rejection, but I won't be offended."

I couldn't help it. I laughed again.

"No," I said. "You're... it's just unexpected. I don't know what a beautiful girl like you is doing flirting with me."

"You don't know that I'm beautiful. You've never seen me."

"You are," I said. "I don't need to see you to know that."

"That was so cheesy. You're a complete romantic, aren't you?"

"I—"

"Say something else like that," she continued.

"Like what?"

"Romantic."

"I..." I cleared my throat again. "I don't know, Bella. I said it because I meant it."

"Hmm. We'll have to work on the whole 'fishing-for-compliments' thing."

There was heat rising in my cheeks, though I wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or excitement. There was something else, too, a weird kind of yearning that I was battling to ignore.

"Oh, you're fishing for compliments, I see," I said. "I can do that. Let's see. You have the most feminine hands of all the people in a ten-foot radius."

She nearly cackled. "Okay, wise guy."

"No need to thank me. You also have the highest-pitched voice. There you go, that one was for free. A complimentary compliment."

"Be still, my heart."

"I can do this all night," I said. "You have the most girlish laugh. Actually, I'm serious about that one. Your laugh is one of my favourite sounds. It's kind of like a... I dunno, I feel like saying it's like music is too corny but it is. I can't not smile when you laugh, it just floats over and it's like I can almost feel it. If a hug were a sound, it'd be your laugh."

Bella was quiet and my face was turning red.

"And you say I don't know that you're beautiful, but I do. Everything about you. You're clever and funny and unapologetic. Believe me, I have no idea what that's like, I apologize for everything. And you make me want to be around you. I don't really know what that's like either. I don't spend a lot of time around people, I barely noticed a difference when this whole lockdown started. I don't miss hugs, not at all, I don't really hug people, but fuck, I wish I could touch you. You make me wish—"

I stopped suddenly. It was a good thing Bella couldn't see me because my face was completely flushed. Not only that, the thought of hugging her and touching her and... well, my body didn't quite know what to do with all those thoughts.

"Wish what?" Bella asked. Her voice was strange, almost husky, almost enough to make it very, very clear what my body wanted me to do with all those thoughts.

"I, um, should stop there," I said hoarsely.

"I can tell you what I wish," she said quietly.

I swallowed hard, not sure I could handle knowing what she wished. "Okay."

For a moment, she didn't say anything. The leaves on her fake plant rustled. When she spoke again, I imagined she was sitting right beside the wall, as close as she could be to me in a world where we couldn't see each other, much less touch each other.

"I wish I could show you what I'm wearing." Her voice was quiet and throaty, just soft enough that I was compelled to lean forward to listen.

"What, um, are you wearing?"

"A bathrobe."

"Ah," I said.

"It's a cute bathrobe. More importantly, there's nothing under it."

There was no mistaking it that time. My cock twitched and I closed my eyes. "Jesus, Bella."

"And I wish you were over here," she continued. "Because honestly, Danny, I don't really care what you look like either. I know you're beautiful, too."

I tried not to let my laugh sound strained. "Beautiful, eh? First time I think I've been called that."

"I'd want to kiss you. Like, fuck the social distance, I'd be pressed against you so fast. I really want... I really want you to touch me."

I didn't have anything witty to say in response. I didn't have anything to say in response.

"Danny?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Too much?"

I let out a slow breath, trying to keep it quiet.

"Nope. I just, um... that sounds really nice." My voice cracked and I grimaced, embarrassed, and cleared my throat again.

Bella giggled, though it didn't sound mean. "I think so, too. I think picturing it is even nicer."

My throat was almost painfully dry and I swallowed.

"What are we doing, Bella?" I asked. "'Cause this is, I mean... I don't know... what... shit, this is hard."

"Well, that's a good start," she said. "How hard?"

"What?"

Her voice was playful, almost sultry. "How hard is, um, 'it'?"

If it was possible for my face to turn redder, I'm sure it did. There was a woman, a beautiful, funny, sweet woman, sitting just a few feet away from me asking how hard my cock was. I was on my balcony, at night, talking to a woman I'd never seen about my dick, and wanting to kiss her, and wanting to... What the hell had I gotten myself into and was I really going to...

"Enough that I didn't even catch that fucking innuendo," I mumbled. "I can barely think."

Apparently, I really was.

Bella didn't laugh that time, but she did make a soft noise. The leaves on her plant rustled again.

"Danny, I'm gonna suggest something a little crazy."

Crazier than what was already happening?

"Okay."

"Well, I have this robe on, and I'm kind of hidden behind my plant... not that anyone can really see me up here anyway..."

My cock was almost painfully hard, my stomach tight as she spoke.

"I'm guessing no one can really see you either, so what if we, um... God, how do I say this..."

Oh good, she was just as nervous as I was.

"Okay," she said. "Look. I'm going to touch my pussy and pretend it's you and I want you to talk to me and do the same thing while I'm doing it. There, I said it. Go ahead and laugh at me now."

I didn't laugh. I definitely didn't laugh. Laughing was the furthest thing from what I wanted to do, which was do exactly what Bella was asking for.

"Yeah," I said.

"What?"

"Yeah. Yes. Please touch your, um, pussy," I stammered.

There was a silent pause and then a throaty, seductive chuckle.

She did, and she told me all about it. She whispered about how wet she was, how much she was aching to be touched, and how badly she wished her fingers were mine. In turn, I stuttered my way through telling her about taking out my cock, how I was as hard as I'd ever been in my life, and how much better I thought her small hands would feel stroking me.

"Danny," she murmured when I paused to breathe.

"Hmm?"

"I want to fuck you so much right now. It's unreasonable how badly I want you inside me."

My response was slightly less coherent than gibberish, but it didn't seem to matter. Bella was breathing hard, little cries floating around the stucco wall, soft moans that urged my hand on as I stroked my cock. I had never heard anything so hot in my life as the sounds Bella made while she touched herself, and nothing could have prepared me for how I felt when she gasped my name.