Transformation

My first choice of category for this story was based on the central character - it is primarily his story, and not that of the transformer, so I thought to publish in Gay Male. But I read several FTM stories and realized that my true audience was elsewhere.

*****

Part 1

Carla and I had been together for three years before that night. We were soulmates. Our last night together was like many that preceded it...full of the most natural and satisfying lovemaking that two beings can engage in. Our favorite was the missionary position, so we could look into each others eyes and enjoy the full view of our bodies as we made love to each other. She sometimes rode me, and while being the passive one had its moments...it was not my personal favorite way to join with her. She felt the same as I did - guess I was just meant to be her 'top' in every way. So there I was, her legs wrapped around me and the two of us feeling the fullness of our union. Anyway, that night was glorious and thankfully so, because it would be our last together.

As a monogamous couple, we had the trust and certainty of safety to forgo condoms; it was a decision we had made together some two and a half years back. My vasectomy at that time did a temporary number on my masculinity. I found it difficult to maintain an erection, especially when I was inside of her. It was like my manhood was gone. She helped me through it. I came to understand that since neither of us wanted to procreate, that the loss of my sperm meant nothing to us as a couple. It made sense to me, and I regained my self esteem soon thereafter.

"Make this a special night, babe. Give me everything you've got, Kenny, fill me up! Oh, God, ride me deep! I love your power! I love my man! I love how butch you make me feel! God, I love men!" That last one pushed me over the edge. There was something about being with a Tomboy that struck a chord so deep in my mind that I never could understand it, but it was there none the less. I blew a big load that night; and fell asleep in her arms, to the sound of her whispers...

"My man has no idea what men really mean to me...what my soul tells me to do...what I hope you will understand..." Her fingers tangled in my hair and the sound of her soft voice made for the perfect lullaby. What were her words? Something about men? Blissful sleep was all I had in my mind.

My job hours meant that I was the last to wake and get ready. The shower felt great. I wanted to keep our sex scent with me all day long, but knew that civility meant the need for taking our mutual musk down a notch. I toweled off. The hamper called to me. What the heck. I reached in and pulled out a pair of my boxers that Carla had worn the day before. I slipped them on and smiled at the thought of her 'touching' me through my work day.

"I like wearing your clothes. What of it?"

Understand that as a woman, Carla enjoyed being as manly as was socially acceptable. The Tomboy in her was evident as a youngster. She was always into sports of all kinds; and had the athletic build to show for it. Her forward and assertive personality attracted me to her from the get go. We had a wild ride from the start and I never gave a thought to it ever ending. I bought her favorite flowers on the way home that night - the ones she would pull the petals off of...

"Forget me...forget me not..."

Our apartment was dark. I flipped the light switch with a tinge of concern. Reaching for my phone, I checked for a message. None. Placing the flowers on the counter, I gave the place a scan. Everything seemed in order, but something was not right. What? The moment the bedroom light came on, I panicked. My throat tightened and I couldn't breathe. I forced myself to be calm. The bed was made! I never make the bed when I leave for work!

Our picture together, gone. My underwear drawer opened. Her closet...EMPTY!

Part 2

The note was tucked under our favorite candle on the nightstand. "My dearest Kenny. There is no other in this world for me. Never doubt that. But there is something that I must do to be true to myself, and I can not ask you to... I need some time, Kenny. This is all on me, babe. In two years, I plan to..." There was nothing else to read. It wasn't even signed. I sat on the edge of the bed, and didn't even try to contain the tears. Crushed is the only way I can explain how I felt. Crushed.

Nothing I thought of made any sense. I read that note a hundred times. I scanned my memories of our time together. It made no sense. None at all. I suffered alone at night; and was inconsolable for the first few months without her. I threw myself into work to numb my mind. I didn't date at all. I was too damaged to even think about it. It took about a year, but I finally started to get back into things. The owner of the gym I worked at took me aside for a chat. Dave was a good guy.

"Gotta snap out of it, Ken. You have to keep up your spirits...and a certain image for our members. Start to work out again, man, and get back your physique! Show the world how to move on and be even better. Do it for yourself. Do it for your job. Word to the wise, Ken, you gotta rebound." It wasn't a threat. It was a wake up call and a pep talk from a friend. I took it to heart.

"Good man, Ken!" Dave shot me the thumbs up as we celebrated my efforts over the last six months to return to 'form'. "You look every bit the best you ever have!" I thanked Dave for his kind words. He saw the glint of sadness and put an arm around my shoulder, buddy style.

"No use ruminating over it any longer, Ken. Move on and find yourself another."

But her note, unclear as it was, said: "In two years..." I had to wait. I owed us that. Meanwhile, I did lift my spirits a lot by working out. It gave me back my energy; helped me to shake off the melancholy I carried since she left. Dave's gym had been my second home since he hired me five years ago. Carla and I met there. She was so very into being the strongest female in the place. She hit me up just after joining. We had sort of clicked when I signed her up; and she jumped the gun on me by asking me out first. That was a long time ago. Time flies whether or not you're having fun. It soon came to the two year mark since she left me.

"I can wait 'til you're finished..." His voice is deep and melodic. I look up from the front desk into a smile that is radiant and almost too friendly. He holds out a hand.

"Karl. Karl Neumann. Ready to sign me up?"

I love meeting people for the first time. It's as if they bring their best game to that first hello. Good to meet you, Karl, I'm...

"Kenny." He points to my name tag. "Ken, actually. Okay if I call you Kenny?"

Sure. We have a connection. I like the guy. We fill out his application form and go over the boilerplate rules. Then its time for the walk-through to show him the layout.

"Yup. Got it. This way, right?" I had to ask. So, Karl, this is just a new place for the gym rat in you, am I right? He strides right up to me, almost nose to nose. Personal space be damned.

"You are more right than you know, my man!" The bro grip to my shoulder is a strong one, yet tempered in a way that feels real friendly. Karl is one built hunk of a man.

"Thanks for the tour, Kenny. I'll start working out here by the end of the week. First, I have to find an apartment. I've been an out-of stater for a while. Know of any good places to live nearby?" I hesitate as my eyes and mind evaluate the guy standing before me. He seems worthy of taking a chance. Yes I do, Karl. In fact, there is a nice place available where I rent. That is, if you don't mind living within a nice bike ride of this gym. I get off in an hour. Meet me back here and you can follow me. The office will be open. I'll put in a good word for you. Now it's his time to hesitate.

"Thank you, Kenny." There is a softness to his tone. His easy smile is refreshing. I think I just made a new friend!

"I'll park over here!" Karl shouts to me as I pull in next to him. He hops out and starts for the office. There is a ramp for easy access that seems to be the only way in, but a short flight of stairs unseen to the left is much quicker. Karl bounds up the steps like he owns the place.

"Hope this goes well, Kenny. I like the area already. If they accept me, dinner is on me." You're on is my quick answer back.

"That was easy. Going month-to-month until I figure things out will be a real help. Thanks, Kenny. What's for dinner?"

I ask, and Karl is staying at a local hotel. There is a good Italian place near there, so we drive over to chill before dinner hour. They have a nice pub and we sit at a table.

"Two Cap'n and Cokes, please." You like my drink? How did you...

"Lucky guess, Kenny. Lucky guess. You are my kind of guy and that kind of guy likes what I ordered for us...that is okay, isn't it?" I just nod. My eyes and his are locked on. I break it off and look over to the left at...anything but him. I can admire a great guy from afar with a sense of perspective, but being this close has somehow just sparked a lift in my pants, and I'm thankful for the table jutting over my lap. I can get a semi at the gym from some of the young hotties strutting their stuff. Hey, a guys got to check out the competition. It's all good.

We make our way to the salad bar while the meal is prepared. I dig in to the heavy stuff and Karl hovers over the lettuce and veggies.

"Gotta watch my...weight. My weight. I, uh, I want to keep lean, you know." Yeah, sure.

What do you weigh now? I need to pack on a few pounds. Been bulking up lately.

"I can tell. You never... you look great!" Thanks, man.

"One seventy five. You?" My answer - about the same.

Dinner and conversation flow easy, yet there is something to Karl that...oh heck. He's just a nice guy and I am lucky to have a new friendship. It feels right. I thank Karl for the treat, and we head to our cars.

"See ya before the weekend. Take out the trash, Kenny, it's pickup day tomorrow." I quickly turn and the words spill out fast: it's what? What did you say? Karl looks a bit off guard.

"You know. Trash pickup. They...these places always do it on a Monday or on a...Dottie! Dottie must have mentioned it while I was signing all those papers. Have a good night!"

I curse my suspicious nature, and drive back to my place. I've been real skiddish ever since... Fuck this! This is a guy! He's a nice man. I like Karl.

Part 3

The weekend is coming up and I have to think about this. I mean, Karl and I have been tight for the past three weeks now. We get along great. His sense of humor matches mine, and, well, pretty much anything we do together is good. I have to admit - to myself - something first. I really like the guy. He's got me remembering other times in my life, when I thought I might be...when I knew...okay. Just say it to myself! When I thought I was gay. But no way. No guy I was ever into ever made a pass at me. I even went so far as to flirt. So I don't send out 'gay vibes'...done.

It's Friday. We open at 5:30 for the early ones, but Dave and I rotate so I get off at 2. Gonna head to the campsite this weekend. I've got a real nice log cabin about six hours drive from here. Woods. Lake. Secluded. Sweet.

"Got the early shift?" Hi, Karl. Sure do. What's got you up this early?

"Not sure. Seemed like a good idea to get my workout in before the weekend. I start my new job on Wednesday. You got any plans? Monday is a holiday, after all."

Plans? Sure. Gonna truck up to my cabin. You?

"Nothing." A smile is not a smile when it's a smirk that obviously covers something, like hurt. Karl came in looking all confident and cocksure. Now he looks a bit like a lost puppy. I can't keep it in. I let out a chuckle and he stiffens upright and pounces.

"You laughing at me, Kenny? You Laughing?" Hurt. Rage. Maybe some confusion thrown in. I shake my head, no. Karl, chill. I know how it feels to be alone and kind of lost. Come with me, if you can, and we'll have a guys weekend on me.

"I don't want charity." He looks at me, then at the counter.

Then you can say yes, because your company will please me and that's all there is to it.

"Okay." And once again, I am treated to his handsome smile. His stache and chin stubble look great. I may have to grow some for myself. I watch as Karl makes his way to the lockers. Nice upper body. Well muscled. Good posture. Strong glutes. Okay, nice ass - this is a gym after all. He's got on his tank top and gym pants. Ready to go.

"Spot me please, Kenny." Sure Karl.

He lowers his body to the bench and I get the usual good view from behind. Not a lot of weight on the bar. Enough for a warm up. Nice form. Tight abs. Bit of chest hair. Love the pits. He's packin something, that's for sure. Better not let my semi get out of control...

Good start, man. Now add some weight.

"I'm going kind of light today, Kenny." Okay. It's your last set, so shower up and we'll talk about the weekend.

"I shower at home." Sure. Lots of the guys do. Meet me here at 4 and we'll take my truck. Pack light. Maybe a swim if the weather is good. Otherwise it's just us and the bears.

"I like bears, Kenny. See you at 4!"

Part 4

The drive up to the cabin is always a peaceful one for me. I quickly forget anything negative and just soak in the beauty of nature. Karl zonked out for a nap. I look over to him. He is leaning on the door, hands folded across his chest, facing me. Great looking guy. I think of his smile. His mouth. His lips. Okay, that's enough. This is a guys weekend, period. He's been out for an hour. Hey Karl! I put my hand on his thigh and give him a shake. Buddy! Wakie, wakie!

"Uh. Babe?" He bolts up and kind of frantically looks around, then at me.

We're almost there, sleepy head. Do you talk in your sleep, Karl?

"Why? Did I say something? Are we okay?" He looks kind of scared to me.

We're fine, bud. You must have gotten a little disoriented, that's all. We'll stop at the last store on the way and pick up some perishables. Everything else we'll need is in the cabin. We...I keep it well stocked.

"Great" He looks better now. "I'll get the beer and the steaks, they're on me. Maybe they have some corn left?" I hope so. You know...I mean Ezra's corn is the best. His place is just up ahead. We pile our finds at the counter, and pay for what we each selected. Ezra tells us that the corn won't be around too much longer. He and I are on first name terms - a sweet older guy.

"Kenny, you and your friend be sure and take in the lake this time around. We've had a warm spell and the water is bathtub nice!" He knows I prefer warm water over cold. He knows I haven't brought anyone to the cabin these past two years. He's been looking over at Karl like he knows something I don't. Men. We're all just a bunch of horny dudes.

Karl sits up and peers out of the window when we are about a mile from the turnoff. He seems agitated. You okay, man? We're almost there.

"Sure. I've been looking forward to this for a long...ride up here! Can we make a fire?"

Absolutely. Inside or out?

"Inside. You know, I really like to be by the fire." Me too, is my quick reply.

We go about putting up our groceries; and getting ready for dinner. We agree to have a light meal and sit by the fire to chat, as it's already getting late. The steaks and all will be for tomorrow, after a swim in the lake. Karl fits right in. He's a natural camper. Seems to know where everything goes. He preps the fire and we settle in for the night.

"This is all I ever hoped for, Kenny. Being in a peaceful place, at peace with myself, and in the company of someone I...feel safe around." Thanks Karl. I look over at him and wonder what he meant by 'safe'. Damn hormones.

The couch, warmed by the fireplace, is so very cozy that I just might fall asleep here. I better show Karl the pull out bed. Hey Karl - there's a pull out bed for you over...

"Got it, Kenny. I've seen these in magazines. Just need to brush my teeth and sack out. And Kenny, thanks for this weekend. You don't know how much it means to me."

Part 5

I've got breakfast going before Karl wakes up. Coffee, bacon, home-fries, a big omelet we can share, and the best seeded rye bread toast in the state. I hear him stir to the noise of the cooking...and the smell of the coffee!

"Morning, mate! A hearty meal for two hearty men! What could be better than this?!" There's a twinkle in Karl's eyes and I like it. I like it...I like him, a lot.

We sit and scarf down our food, enjoying each others company. The weather is perfect. I suggest a hike and then a swim. Karl is up for the hike.

"Not a big fan of the water, Kenny. Maybe I'll just wet my feet" Sure. So off we go.

"When did that bridge get built?" I stop in my tracks and just stare at him. The stream is a small one, and we used to just ford across it, but last year the locals got together and put up a little foot bridge. Karl looks at me and fidgets.

"It looks new?" I tell him the history of it and he nods like he understands. I'm not sure I do, though. The rest of the hike is uneventful. Must be me. We get back to the cabin and I'm hot. The lake calls to me. I tear off my shirt and shorts, got my swim briefs on already, and wade in until I'm up to my chest. He sits on the shore and looks at me. Get in here, stud, I won't fool around.

"What if I want you to?" His smile is amazing. Karl wades in just as he is - clothes and all. He gets up to the hem of his shorts and suddenly dips down deep, flailing about to maintain his balance. I push through the water to get to him, and put my arm under his pit to hold him up. He looks panicked.

"Stepped on something!" We hold onto each other and make for the shore. A few feet out of the water and I go down to his raised foot to have a look. There's no blood. Just a bruise that looks like it needs some ice. I start to stand and as he puts his foot down on the sand, his leg half collapses under him and he clutches at my arms, his face against my chest, his hair at my nose. Except for the injury my friend has received, I would like this...like it very much. I can't help but nuzzle his hair a bit as he tries to stand upright. His scent, accentuated by being wet, and by his exertion, wafts deep into me. I hold him there in my imagination, and in my arms. Then POW!

NO! Oh MY GOD! NOOOOOO!! I push him away from me. He hobbles to a beach chair and sits, his head bent low. I am desperate. Where do I go? What do I say? I can't stay still. I go back into the water and start to sob. I pound the surface with my fists like I want to punish it. My heart is racing, My breathing is labored. I just might pass out. Then I stop. I just stop. I look over to...I slowly walk out of the water and stand there, frightened of myself and of this person seated in front of me. It all comes rushing in. Every little nuanced innuendo. Every remark that seemed too knowing. Every 'lucky guess' about what I like. How could I be so blind? So naive? So stupid?

I sink to my knees before 'him', my strength completely drained away. I put a hand on 'his' thigh. Why, Carla...why?

Part 6

The ice gets the swelling down and we sit across from each other at the small breakfast table in the cabin, towels draped around both our shoulders. I make a fire. I pour us some drinks. We both need it. There's surely a lot we need to talk about, but I can't begin.

"Don't hate me, Kenny, please. I was trapped in a pretty girls body since I could talk. If there was ever a poster child for "Tomboy of the Century", it's me. I never fit in with girlie things, you know that. I fell for you not just because of the great guy you are (I put up my hand as if to stop this) but precisely because you did not treat me like a girl, but like your buddy." I was your buddy, alright, in every way I was everything I ever wanted to be with someone.