The Joke

{This one has cheating in it, sort of. So if you will be outraged, I don't care.}

+++

"How come you never gave me one?" Marie asked me out of the clear blue sky. She was sitting looking at her laptop, we had it hooked up in a wireless flood off of our main system. My ears perked up, she had a teasing tone in her voice I had not heard for awhile.

"Gave you what?" I asked. I was busy reading a science fiction story over at Literotica, trying to figure out what in the hell it was about, so I had no idea what she was asking.

"A hall pass." She said with a giggle. I glanced over to where she had her laptop set up on a TV tray.

"A what? Hall pass? You mean, like in the stupid movie you made me watch last week?"

"That wasn't stupid, it was funny. But like in this story I am reading. With a hall pass, you give your partner permission to go do whatever they want to, just for a day or so."

"Oh. That kind of hall pass. I suppose you want to go get laid?" I laughed.

Marie didn't answer me.

"What in the hell are you reading, anyway?" I asked.

"I saw the website you are on so I went over there to see. This stuff is awful!" She said.

"You just need to find the good ones. I like some of the science fiction stories."

"Uh huh." Marie giggled.

Hmmm, I thought. If Marie was over there reading naughty stories, maybe it would put her in the mood? The way she used to reach out and use just the tips of her fingers to tickle me when we were in bed flashed right into my mind.

Hell, that would be a joke since the odds on her doing that now were so high no one would ever take the bet that she would.

A person can hope, though.

+++

A few years back Marie got a bad diagnosis, ended up having to have a hysterectomy. She changed after that, lost the eagerness for sex that she had before. I did do my best to be understanding, things like that really mess with female hormones. Sexuality had always been a fairly big part of our lives, and I loved the teasing things she would do to get me up and going.

Now for a very long time, that had mostly come to a stop.

Plus she was upset about the scar, and almost would not even let me see it, which meant I also almost never got to see her. By "see" her, you know what I mean. The peek a boo stuff, the little hints, they way her voice would change to a purr?

I always did have some voyeuristic tendencies, Marie was very well aware of that and took advantage of it on a regular basis.

"It's so ugly." She whimpered the night she first let me see the angry red line.

"No, it's not." I told her, and the truth is that it didn't bother me one bit. But things did go downhill from then on.

Marie now slept in her own bedroom, complaining about me snoring and I guess I don't exactly lay still when I sleep. I even went and bought one of those air machines, hoping it would help.

It didn't.

Once in a long while I could catch her fresh out of the shower and sort of just grab her, trying to get her to giggling. Marie normally put up a fake fuss at first.

If I did manage to get her down on the bed and plant my lips down there, she seemed to change her mind regular as clockwork. More often than not she would manage to get me stopped, though.

I was sure she did enjoy that, so why she avoided it is beyond me. Marie also almost never returned the favor, it was something she did not seem to enjoy.

I always felt that if both partners did not mutually enjoy a particular sex act, then there was no real reason to do it. So I never pressed that issue.

I happened to love giving oral, and my Marie seemed to still enjoy it if I could ever once get things started.

Plus I loved her, and I would have loved her if she did not let me touch her at all.

But I was seriously missing the way things had been between us before she got sick.

+++

I'm Frank Abbott, my wife is Marie Abbott. She is 51 now, last year when she turned 50 she bawled the entire damned day. I did my best to convince her that it was just a date on a calendar, she wasn't any different that day than she was the day before.

I didn't get very far with that, women are funny that way. I even searched the internet, hoping for a solution. I did find out I was not alone in being a man with a wife that would prefer to be celibate.

Of course those type of searches led me to other things, one day I read a story on Literotica about a man in a sexless marriage. That one ended in a disaster, something I did not want to happen to us. Driven by his own needs, the male character had found another. Some could handle a mix of others in their personal lives, some just cannot.

I happened to be one of those that the idea of going out and seeking relief from someone not my wife was not a good fit.

From the medical sites, the stories, I came to understand that my Marie was having feelings of not being attractive, a lack of self worth mixed in there, likely hormones all screwed up.

It took me months, but finally I convinced her to go see a Physician. He prescribed some medications, those did appear to help, Marie brightened up a little.

One evening I was just slipping into bed when she appeared at the bedroom door.

"Frank?"

"Yea, honey?"

"Can I? I know I have been neglecting you, can I?" She came over to the bed, I reached out and tugged the covers back with a smile.

Hell, she didn't have to ask, but she did.

We made love, I did everything I knew to do to please her and it did seem to.

But when I woke up the next morning I was alone in bed, she was asleep in her own room. Mornings were a time I loved, I often lay there watching her sleep, just looking at her and feeling proud that she was with me, and loved me.

I really missed those moments.

+++

Back when Marie was in her twenties she ran around with half her tits showing constantly, little short skirts with either panties so skimpy as to be no point and sometimes none at all.

Like I said, I always did have those voyeuristic tendencies, and Marie looking good was a major turn on for me. She was also as close to being an expert at offering accidental peeks of more than should be exposed.

She could be outright naughty too, I have seen her sit just right to give some poor guy one of those almost peeks. She knew very well that stuff didn't upset me, not really, rather the opposite. She was with me so there was no way anybody was going to get anywhere with her, that I knew for sure.

Dumb stuff, I know, a bit like this is MINE and you can't have any if that makes sense.

Over time that ended, it became heavy bras to hold her boobs up because by age 30 they headed South. The short skirts went away when her upper legs got bigger, her fanny added some size also which she constantly fought tooth and nail.

Marie was barely 40 when we had the scary time, but she came though it fine. That was tough, for both of us, the idea of maybe losing her was something I could not wrap my mind around.

It was almost a year before the Doctors told us they could no longer find any sign of her disease. During that period, she did lose all of the extra weight and even more, for awhile she was waif thin.

But then once again healthy she was eating good, and she filled right back out to just about what she weighed at age 20.

Her once on the dark side hair grew back out with natural streaks of lighter color in it, that was strange. The truth there is it looked good on her, I liked it.

Me? I kind of liked the 20 extra pounds on her before she became ill, it was all soft and cuddly, warm. I loved to get her down and fiddle with her until she got to the point of wriggling around all over the place trying to get me inside of her.

Besides, I had 20 pounds extra on me, and exactly where it is not flattering. Back when just a young guy I was a hunk, at least in my own mind. I could run and jump and play, and all I had to do to be ready for sex was think about it for roughly 5 seconds.

Young, man what a time! I could get off, not even lose my erection and turn right around and do it again. Now it's once and rest for a few hours, not that bad for in my early fifties but still?

Yea, we know all about what it's like as kids, but the truth is us older folks like naughty things too.

Now my Marie was conservative, damn near a prude.

Those days that were a kick in the ass became sort of few and far between.

+++

I remember once I was taking her out to the fanciest place in our town, I asked her to dress nice and sexy for me so I could be proud of having her on my arm. She had just turned 39 that time and still sometimes would get a little bit naughty.

"You want me to go out in public with my tits hanging out?" She asked, a bit scornfully. I knew she was faking that, we had gone out lots of times with her looking like a hottie.

"Yea!" I said with a grin, reaching for them since she was fresh out of the shower and all she had was a towel. She was using that on her hair so her jugs were swaying back and forth and....

Got my hand slapped, darn it.

But she did put on a pretty dress, and one of those bras I bought for her for MY birthday that her tits sort of sat on.

I even got her to model that bra for me which was fun.

Later that really neat bra was stuffed in a drawer for years.

Out in public we went that time, Marie with her tits hanging out, at least one hell of a lot of them. She was gorgeous, her hair all piled up and curly, I saw a few guys take a second look as we crossed the room which is always good for a man's ego.

Proud as punch, that was me, with my good looking lady grasping my arm.

The place had a male waiter, a young guy wearing a suit and he sure as hell liked looking down at the impressive expanse of Marie's boobs which made her blush and tug at her top all night.

Even that was different, before she usually seemed to like it when men noticed her.

Hell, the guy even went around by her shoulder to lean over and refill her wine glass. I knew that one more inch and he would be able to see her nipples, Marie gave me one of THOSE looks as I just grinned.

Back when we were in our 20's after we were first married, if some guy stared too much Marie was apt to yank one out and ask him if this was what he wanted to see!

There was no real extra modesty on my girl back then at all.

Another day Bill, my partner in our construction business was at our place, we had some plans to draw up for a bid. He had this kid with him he hired, maybe 19-20 or so. The kid was doing his best to check out Marie since she had on a tube top and little short skirt, she wore stuff like that around the house back then.

If the kid slid any further down on the chair his butt would have been on the floor, Marie and I were sitting right across from him. He was being completely obvious that he wanted a peek up her skirt.

"Here you go!" Marie spread her legs, she had on a pair of undies which really didn't show much but the poor kid turned crimson and all but swallowed his Adam's apple. Bill just snorted, kept on with the drawing. He was used to Marie by then anyway.

Bill's own wife Alma was a short and overly busty gal that often wore bathing suits that were not intended to ever get wet. Like me, Bill delighted in that. We just looked though, never did anything at all. The idea really didn't even cross my mind.

A few times while Bill and I were doing plans our gals would go lay out on the nice grass in his back yard. They would both take off their tops and lay there on their tummies, which made it darned hard to concentrate on blueprints. When they turned over, they always held their tops modestly in place, sort of.

So Bill saw Marie's nipples and I saw Alma's briefly several times. That became normal, I guess.

We had a lot of fun when we were young, things like that were the reason I ended up with just her. I loved my Marie more than anything on Earth.

+++

Later, after her 39th birthday dinner and those bad times that came the next year, she told me that she was just too old to be dressing that way any more.

And she didn't.

Darn it.

Now she was asking me why I never suggested her getting a hall pass? I knew what that was from the movie, it gave the mate permission to go do anything, even get laid, but just for a short period.

No divorce, no anger, no questions about it either. The movie was kind of funny, and most of them never figured out how to manage to do it, although one couple did.

I figured that Marie was just teasing me. Maybe, just maybe she was thinking of getting laid? By me, I mean.

Hell, I would go for that.

"Do people really do these things, cheat on each other all the time?" She asked me, still intent on whatever story she was reading.

"I don't know, maybe. I think if someone has permission, it isn't cheating. At least that appears to be the way most people think, anyway."

"Have you ever thought about cheating, you know. Having sex with someone else than me?" She asked.

I blinked at that one, to be honest I would have to say yes, but no way would I ever act on it.

"No. Not really, why?" I sort of fibbed. That wasn't completely true, I saw woman that looked interesting sometimes, and wondered. Everyone does, I am sure.

"Oh, no reason. I know you like sex, and I haven't been very good to you in that department." She looked over at me.

We looked at each other, there was one of those intimate moments a couple can have, so I was thinking along the lines of perhaps later?

But that night she showered, came out dressed in what I called her "don't even think about it" bedclothes, told me good night and went to her own room.

I lay there thinking, we had had quite a lengthy conversation. A rather confusing one for me.

+++

"No, I don't want to go get laid. No man would even want me, not at my age." She had told me on what I now call that "Hall pass" day.

After we had talked awhile about the story and she asked me about cheating, I repeated my question. Again she mumbled that no one would be interested in her now.

"I am, and I would bet I am not alone at that idea." I told her.

"You are supposed to, you are my husband."

"I like the way you look." I was trying to encourage her.

"Oh, you." She got up and went into the bedroom.

Hall pass? What in the hell was up with that?

Just the story? Best to just let that go, I decided.

+++

It didn't take me much searching, I found the story she had been reading. It wasn't that bad, not great like some of the....uhhh...science fiction stories I read myself.

The husband in the story gave the wife one of those "hall passes", she went out and took advantage of it. Then she was all perked up and a hottie again with confidence, so he got laid regularly and everybody lived happily ever after.

Yea, sure. I never read those kinds of stories much. Well, not often anyway, the idea of some strange guy hosing my old lady just doesn't do it for me.

But it gave me an idea.

If I gave Marie one of those, no way would she take advantage of it. But just the idea that she COULD go out and do something naughty might be enough to get her to thinking along those lines.

Now if I could get her to thinking along those lines, then maybe, just maybe she might do a little acting along the lines that I was thinking? Get her all fussed up like we used to get, perhaps we might end up with one of those all over the house sessions?

Clever of me, right?

Marie and I used to tease each other all the time, it's fun. Like once at a party, this gal was running around with a top on that if she stood sideways you could see the whole thing.

And those were nice tits, too!

I was sort of looking, I guess. Marie slipped up on me, hugged me from behind and gave me a big kiss on the neck.

"You would like some of that, wouldn't you, big boy?" She whispered in my ear.

I was busted, I stammered a little bit.

"Go right ahead if you want to. Just remember, I save all the pickle jars." She giggled. Then she reached down and grabbed my balls, gave me a little squeeze right in front of God and everybody.

I knew what she meant about the pickle jar, that wisecrack had popped up before.

That night, me ogling some other woman's tits got Marie all fussed up, just like some guy practically playing a lone game of twister trying to get a look at Marie did for me.

Yes, silly, I know, but we barely got our door shut that night when we got home.

"Hall Pass" huh? That would make one heck of a good joke.

+++

I used my printer to design and make a neat certificate, it had official looking scrolling in the corners and said "Hall Pass" in great big letters at the top of it.

Yes, this was going to be one hell of a good joke.

Below, in the text, I wrote the following.

{I, Frank, your loving husband grant you, Marie, my loving wife permission, upon presentation of this certificate, to do anything you wish with anyone you want to without explanation or repercussions of any kind for a period not to exceed 48 hours from the time and date of the presentation.

This pass may be used at any time, at your complete discretion.

At the conclusion of the 48 hour period you will return to me to be beautiful and totally faithful life time mate, understanding that YES, you really are a beautiful and completely desirable female that all men on planet Earth lust after.

Then you will then perform oral sex on your loving husband as a penalty for having strayed, all will be forgiven and no questions will ever be asked.}

Now that was funny as hell, at least to me. I laughed at my own writing. Marie? No way in hell would she ever do anything at all, and a blow job was very close to completely out of the question. Oh, she had done that a little bit, but not one time did she ever take me all the way doing it. That just was not her thing, so I respected her and never pressed the issue.

I did make quite a few wisecracks about her doing that, though. She always just rolled her eyes.

I signed and dated it, snickering to myself over what I was sure would be her reaction. This was going to be one hell of a good joke, I could hardly wait to hand it to her.

I planned to give it to her on our 30th wedding anniversary night out which was coming up in just a few days.

Her real gift, a pair of fancy Diamond earrings were in my pocket for later.

+++

That evening, when we were sipping some wine after dinner, I reached into my pocket and handed the envelope to her.

"What's this?" She asked with a smile, opening it.

I expected her to read it and laugh, or throw a fit, we would tease back and forth some, getting things into the mood. Then I would hand her the real present, she would get all warm and happy seeing those earrings since they cost me $900.00...?

Some dancing, snuggling, head home for a good time in bed.

Marie read it, her eyes widened. Then she read it again, looked up at me.

"Oh my God! Really?" She asked. She leaned forward and kissed me.

Then she stuffed it into her purse.

She picked up her glass of wine and took a sip, the look on her face told me she was thinking.

That was not exactly the way I had it planned to go. I probably blinked at her a couple of times, she took another sip of wine, smiled at me.

Then she reached across and squeezed my forearm.

"You are so good to me, honey." She said.

I reached into my pocket, got the little case and handed it to her. She opened it, a look of delight crossed her face. Nearly instantly she took off the dangly things she had in her ears and put the new ones on.

$900.00 worth of bling looks pretty good I guess, but my mind was elsewhere.

She had stuffed that hall pass thing I wrote into her purse and never said another word about it.

I almost blurted out that it was just a joke, I even tried to a couple of times, for some reason I didn't.