The Greatest Story Ever Told

Everyone having sex is over 18.

This story features depictions of hardcore lesbian action, prego on prego sumo wrestling, and a vividly described nun upskirt scene. If you find that or other sensitive topics offensive please click back now, this is not the story for you.

Please vote as this story is part of the Literotica 2021 Winter Holidays Story Contest.

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Getting punched in the face by mall Santa was not as bad as the time I got in a knife fight with the Easter bunny.

What happened was someone told mall Santa I was sleeping with his wife. What they meant was I was sleeping with the woman at the mall dressed as Mrs. Claus, as well as one of Santa elves.. Dumb, drunk, mall Santa believed I was sleeping with his wife back home. I wish I had known. "You fucking homo, I'll kick your dumb ass." He screamed as he came at me, small children waiting in line getting knocked out of the way as he stampeded at me.

As it was, as soon as he hit me in the face I responded by kneeing him in the liver with a solid liver shot. His 280 pound self went down like the ton of bricks with me on top. I started beating him a little in front of the children waiting in line, then cramming a lump of coal up his lard ass. Finally, some of his elves pulled me off him.

I should probably mention I was at the mall for our high school play of The Greatest Story Ever Told. I had gotten the part of Balthazar, one of the three wise men. I was one of the few high school seniors that year to get a lead role. I auditioned for the role of the virgin Mary and got it, but as a 4' 11" 80 pound Chinese-American lesbian with bright red hair, the school authorities felt it better that I be in a wig and fake beard as Balthazar. Apparently the suburban mall was not ready for an Asian lesbian virgin Mary. Plus, one of the women in our high school's theater clique was 9 months pregnant, so she was a shoe in for the virgin Mary.

Once the fight started, with my robes and fake beard, lot of people mistook me for Jesus.

While many people had called 911 to report the crime, for over an hour they were not believed. Who would believe that Jesus was at the mall kicking Santa's ass.

"Where were you? The play is about to start." Sister Mary the über-bitch asked me in her normal nasty tone when I got to the set.

"I just got assaulted by some drunk creep. I need to call the police." I replied, my eye already swelling shut. "I think it was a hate crime."

"The show must go on. You can attend to your personal problems latter." The evil nun responded "Go put some ice on it. Stop getting blood on the set."

I sat on a folding chair in the wings of the movie theater where the church service was currently being held and where the play of the Nativity scene would soon begin if the preacher would ever stop talking. An ice pack up against my face where I had been punched. "Oh my god, I am so so so sorry that happened. Let me kiss it and make it better." Mrs. Claus ran up and gave me a kiss on my bruised face. She was a straight girl and a self described good Christian who I was taking great pleasure corrupting to the dark side, or the lesbian side, or whatever. I liked teaching her how to lick pussy and she liked learning.

I raised my robes and shoved her head under. "Kiss this and make me better." I wasn't wearing anything under my robes other than my clit piercing. She got on her knees and went to work on me as I watched as the virgin Mary, acting as stage manager, put the finishing touches on the set. She was one of those artsy theater chicks. Her eyes went wide when she looked over and saw what I had Mrs. Claus doing.

I put my middle and index fingers up to my mouth in a pussy lick gesture, stuck my pierced pink tongue out at her, and flicked it around like a snake flicking its tongue to test the air. Then I pointed my two wet fingers at her while smiling at her.

She stood frozen in wide eye horror in my direction, I assumed it was at what she was seeing Mrs. Claus doing to me. She was standing there with a live goat, she had been trying to tie its leash to the stable near the Jesus manger. She dropped the leash and the goat bolted off the stage.

She was artistic and creative, a master at drawing and sculpting, had stared in every play the high school had for the last four years. She had soft hands and a smile I dreamt about. I wanted my tongue to be the big bad snake wiggling around in her garden of Eden, leading her to temptation, but so far she had turned me down. Now that she was a nine months pregnant, whatever chance I had of getting with her had disappeared.

I suddenly realized she was not watching me. There was some other pregnant chick standing in the wings glaring at her. She had snuck into the back area of the church play by dressing up as Mary Magdalene. She was not suppose to be here at the same time the virgin Mary. "Bitch. You're pregnant with my boyfriends baby." the teen screamed at the virgin Mary.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T! He's my man!" the virgin Mary stormed up to her, face purple with rage. The two 18 year olds started shrieking at each other.

I pushed Mrs. Claus out from under my robes just before the curtains rose. The two other wise men and I stepped on stage to start our bit.

We were about two minutes into our routine when the door at the back of the movie theater flew open.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but fat drunk Santa, who had had at least eight beer.

"Where's Jesus. I'm gonna mess him up?" Santa shrieked dementedly as he charged the stage with a bat.

But he couldn't get up here, he was clearly too fat.

There was a collective gasp from the audience of hundreds, all of them dressed in their Sunday best. They seemed unsure at this point if this was part of the play. For some reason the mall Santa had put on blackface since I had beat him earlier.

"With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

Come get it, fat loser with your tiny dick.

Your so disgusting, it makes us all sick." One of the other wise men sang. He was a hard core theater clique member at my high school. I was not in that clique but I knew him well enough to know he was furious that anyone would dare try to ruin his moment on stage.

The virgin Mary had talked her boyfriend into playing the role of adult Jesus. He was not the captain of the football team, but he was one of the biggest guys on the football and wrestling team. He had tried to fix his stage fright by getting just as drunk as mall Santa. As Santa tried to climb up onto the stage he came running out, grabbing the baby Jesus out of the manger as he did so.

A few of his friends in the audience started chanting "Jesus! Jesus!" as they clapped their hands, soon the crowd had taken up the chant.

As soon the two arguing pregnant teens saw him, they both stormed on stage. "I was pregnant with his baby first, he loves me more." virgin Mary yelled as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Mary Magdalene yelled back. "He loves me more. I'm the one who should be having his baby. Its meant to be."

Sister Anna, in her nun's habit, followed them "He's knocked up like eight girls, he's not worth fighting over. I'm pregnant with his baby too."

Mary Magdalene and the virgin Mary both yelled at the guy dressed like Jesus.

The audience watched as the two pregnant teens lost it completely.

"I should've got an abortion!" The virgin Mary screamed.

The school's über-bitch nun, Sister Mary, ran on stage. She grabbed the virgin Mary. "You're already burning in hell for getting pregnant outside of marriage. I wouldn't let you ruin the birth of Jesus too." apparently referring to the play.

I looked out into the audience. I could see on their faces that slow realization that whatever play they thought they were going to be seeing, they were about to be seeing something else.

Seeing the attack on its owner, the virgin Mary's goat sprang out from behind the curtain. It charged right up at Sister Mary. It leap into the air and headbutted her hard in the back. The bitch nun screamed like a kid on a rollercoaster ride as she was blown head first by the force of the attack into the sunken orchestra pit in front of the stage. "The show must go on." I shrugged to the two other wise men before resuming my lines. Most of the people in the audience laughed, assuming this was all part of the play.

"Why is mall Santa here? Why is he in blackface?" one of the wise men whispered to me.

"I have no idea." I whispered back.

The goat stood center stage, looking out into the crowd. "Baa-baa-baa-baa." it bleated before jumping off the stage and running off down the walkway out of the theater.

Adult Jesus had grabbed the ceramic baby Jesus by the leg, swung it around, and brought it down hard on Santa head. He hit Santa a few more times with it as Santa struggled to pull himself onto the stage.

The two pregnant teens started shoving each other before grabbing each others hair again. They started trying to kick each others swollen bellies. "I'll kick my man's baby out of you bitch."

Sister Anna ran up with Mrs. Claus. "Distract the crowd, they don't need to see this."

I couldn't see Sister Mary, but could hear her moaning "Ugh! Ugh! The devil rammed me hard from behind."

"How?" I asked, watching Jesus beat drunken blackface Santa as the two enraged pregnant teens ripped the costumes off each other. They were both wearing tights over their large bellies and sports bras. They grabbed each other by the hair before grappling each other and started wrestling a few feet from where Jesus was beating Santa.

The Arch Angel Gabriel tried to stop the two young women but one of them kicked him in the nuts. He limped from the stage, vomiting from the pain.

"Do a pom pom routine, you two were on the pom pom squad for how many years." Theater clique wise man said, handing Mrs. Claus and I pom-poms. He motioned to the sound booth and a second later this dark techno - industrial music started blaring over the loudspeakers. We started our routine as Sister Anna pulled the two preggers apart. I had no idea where he got the pom-poms from, instead of helping with the fighting he joined us with another set of pom-poms. He matched our choreography perfectly.

I was keenly aware of my lack of underwear. We were near the front of the stage, with the audience down below us on the other end of the sunken orchestra pit. The ankle length robe the only thing between me and a wardrobe malfunction. My juices were leaking down my thighs. We did the little jump and my robes billowed out. The audience was too far away to see and at the wrong angle. Then I noticed a short haired, about 6' 3", blond with a camcorder aimed directly at me in the orchestra pit. "Holy shit." I whispered. "That guy just got a video up my robes."

"So he saw your underwear?" Theater clique wise man whispered back. "He has been videoing up at Sisters Anna and Mary since they got on stage."

"I'm not wearing any underwear." I was pissed, he was about to get a video of me stomping his head. "Get me that camcorder."

Finally Santa hit baby Jesus with his bat, shattering it into pieces which flew out into the crowd. It was at this exact moment that the crowd finally came to the horrified realization that whatever it was that was going on on-stage, it was not part of any play.

"You DO NOT mess with the Nazarene, the Prince of Peace is gonna fuck you up!" Jesus screamed as he pulled his robes off. He was soon standing on stage in nothing but a halo, his black boxer briefs, and sandals. He flexed his pectoral muscles, his man titties hard as rocks. Some of the women in the audience openly cat called Jesus as he stripped off.

The other theater clique Wiseman had done some complex hand movements to the guys in the light and sound booth. Smoke suddenly flooded along the floor of the stage just as Santa go onto his feet in front of us. The other wise man grabbed Jesus and pulled him back as Santa came came running at us swing his bat. The lights when off for a split second and when they came back on Santa had just disappeared. From on stage I could see they had opened some trap door in the floor of the stage. Drunken Santa had walked right into the hole and dropped down somewhere under the stage.

"That's what I'm talking about, he is the reason for the season." One of the shepherds said as he stepped on stage and high fived Jesus. I rolled my eyes, it was one of his buddies from the football team. "Jesus can disappear you. He has that power."

Sister Anna stopped holding the two fighting pregnant teens and stared at where Santa had been standing. The two heavily pregnant girls gave a mighty war cry before running at each other full force, their large milk filled tits bouncing wildly with each step, barely contained by their sports bras. They collided into each other with a wet thud before throwing each other off the stage into the sunken orchestra pit taking Sister Anna over the side with them.

Thankfully, Sister Mary had managed to get back on her feet. The three pregnant women fell from the stage on top of her, breaking their fall.

"What happened to Santa?" One of the children in the audience burst into tears. The audience had been in stunned silence up to this point. The child had broken that. Within a second, all hell had broken loose. Children screaming. Adults screaming. People begin running from the room. Children trying to run to the stage to find Santa. A few old women in the front row were crossing themselves.

I looked in horror as the children poured into the pit and started beating the nuns and pregnant teens. "You hurt Santa, you hurt Santa." At least the girls had stopped fighting each other, I noted as they stood back to back, fighting their way through a throng of enraged toddlers.

Jesus looked at me, a look of dawning apprehension on his face. "We're going to hell for this, aren't we?"

"Run baby, the cops want to arrest you." The virgin Mary screamed to Jesus. I noticed police in both wings of the stage and another group at the door trying to fight their way past the fleeing audience members. Jesus and the shepherd quickly slid down the trap door, landing on Santa, who was laying in a crumpled heap about 10 feet below.

The two of them took off down some maintenance corridor leading to the mall. The shepherd screaming as they burst out into the main hallway of the mall "Someone help us, their trying to arrest Jesus." They had taken part of the shepherd outfit and fashioned it into a loincloth for Jesus to wear. "They want to crucify him again."

Being immature goofballs, the football and wrestling teams managed to hide the two of them, having them run from store to store for over two hours. The whole time still dressed as Jesus and the shepherd. Every few minutes they would ask people if they had found Jesus, when the people responded that they had not the team members would start pointing to Jesus. "Really, because he is hiding right there."

Mrs. Claus and I were both arrested. "I am invoking my right to remain silent and my right to an attorney, and I won't be answering any more questions without a lawyer." I said over and over.

The officer keep yelling at me. "Your gonna start answering my questions RIGHT FUCKING NOW."

My mother came up to the officers and starting asking them questions. "I am their lawyer. You will stop questioning them at once!"

"Your just her mom, now get out of here or I'll arrest you too." The officers yelled. When she refused to leave, one of the officers put her in cuffs, leaving her sit there as they continued yelling at me. After a few minutes one of the officers noticed her business card which they had knocked from her hand while arresting her.

Then they saw the wise man holding the camcorder. The officer grabbed it, pulled the tape out and lit it on fire with a cigarette lighter. The thing went up in a ball of flame. The officers didn't expect this and flung it away, right into the hay next to the manger. Within seconds the stage, curtains, and movie screen were engulfed in flame. Just as quickly the sprinkler system kicked in.

The person with the camcorder was a 19 year old, 6 foot, 3 inch tall, short haired blond lesbian that worked for the theater. I had just assumed it was a guy because of her height. While the police had burned the tape from the camcorder, they had not burned the footage from the digital camera she had strapped to her chest. She had seen my black eye when I first walked in, thought it must've been ex-boyfriend caused and was trying to document the abuse so she could show it to the police.

She had been a volley ball player in high school as well as a hard core cinephile. She was artsy and athletic, self-conscious yet confident. Best of all, she was single. I decided I was going to do something about that

**Epilogue**

Within two days I was expelled from school. The next day my mother reviewed the digital camera footage with the school lawyers. They reviewed the footage of Sister Mary ignoring I was attacked and had reported to her a hate crime. Suddenly, I was no longer expelled but listed as graduated at the end of fall semester, which had ended two weeks ago. The Catholic high school also agreed to pay a full four year scholarship to any ivy league or small liberal arts college that I was accepted to.

They didn't kick Sister Mary out for ignoring the hate crime, but they did kick her out five months later when it became clear she was also pregnant with that idiots baby.

The mall didn't want a lawsuit from me. Even if they won, the negative publicity from their Santa committing a hate crime would hurt their business. They also wanted a copy of the video of the police for setting their theater on fire, it would help with the lawsuit they were filing. I signed a non-disclosure and they signed a check for $300,000, my mom got her third as my lawyer.

The police threatened to arrest me for the fire they caused. Once they understood a digital camera video clip of their officer setting the fire could be released to the news media at any time, those threats ended.

The drunk Santa claimed he thought I was some middle eastern dude who was sleeping with his wife. He claimed he was just using the term 'homo' as a insult and had no idea I was a lesbian or Asian. He talked for about four hours after he was arrested. His parents didn't raise him right, no one ever told him never ever talk to the police once arrested. He gave them more than enough incriminating statements that he got a two year prison sentence.

One phone call from my lawyer-mother to the DAs office about how she had been arrested for no reason while trying to represent her client and also had the video evidence to prove it was all it took for her to win the end of year closed bid police auction. She bid a dollar on a brand new Porsche seized from drug dealer and won. She also entered a dollar bid in my name on a used police cruiser with side impact airbags, a roll cage, and chassis upgrade. She wanted me to have a safe car when I went away to college. She somehow won at as well. No one called any of this a bribe.

Then a few second video clip from a digital camera found its way into the hands of all the senior boys at my school. The footage showed Sister Mary in her dark robes from below, the camera shook for a half a second, then just a close up upskirt shot of a woman in a dark robe, her face off screen but would appear to be Sister Mary. Her hairless, dripping wet pink pussy with its pierced clit on full display, clearly freshly licked or fucked as Sister Mary in her unmistakable voice moaned "Ugh! Ugh! The devil rammed me hard from behind." The video lost focus again, then paned out to show Sister Mary laying on her back, sprawled out with her arms at weird angles in the Orchestra pit, then a goat jumping through the air, its hooves tucked under it as it flew over the camera.