The Greatest Knight Of Your Life!

The Knight in Shining Armour/damsel in distress is a highly rated lockdown role play. But shining armour is hard to come by in these Covidinous times unless you're a member of the landed gentry or a scrap metal merchant. Also, when you visit a stately home have you noticed how small most of the suits of armour are?

This is due to the multiple orgasms, sorry plagues and famines that were around when knights were bold. (My spellcheck always does that whenever I write the word multiple orgasms. See! It's done it again. I really must stop writing porn.) Fortunately, we've moved on from there. Our 21st Century viruses are far more deadly.

Plus the security in those places is stately home of the art. When I finally found a suit to fit I was apprehended almost immediately. Bloody sensitive those metal detectors!

It may be that like me you'll have to make do with one of those Crusader-like faux chainmail St George get ups that are so popular with English sports supporters. And if you're from the USA, let's face it. You're fucked.

Clothing a damsel in this dress is comparatively straightforward. A flimsy undergarment, long flowing gown, and chastity belt should suffice. So, a brief online shopping spree at Lovehoney, GownsRus, and any reputable ironmongers should get the job done.

If you have a tower in your stately home you're ideally set. Otherwise the distressed one should stand on the landing by the top of the stairs whilst her knight in shining Crusader-like faux chainmail gazes up adoringly from the hall.

In Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory explains in so many words that King Arthur being a shrewd judge once realised the greatness a new knight. He took him to a river where a sword lay in a stone with an inscription reading "Never shall man take me hence but only he by whose side I ought to hang; and he shall be the best knight of the world."

The knight easily pulled the sword out and King Arthur immediately proclaimed him to be the greatest knight ever. The knight of course was the son of Lancelot, Sir Galahad and that's who one of you should be. Exciting, eh?

I should warn you that there's a superabundance of theeing and thouing in this, so it will be a hard read. (You'll have to make your own joke up and stick it in here because I'm being serious.) It may be worth it because if you manage to get to the end, you'll probably manage to get your end away almost immediately. Actually, it would probably have been better if I did leave all the rest of the playing on words to you.

What you should remember is that I'm the one who had to translate this from the original Latin. And I don't even come from Latvia, so it wasn't easy.

The role play commenceth thusly...

Lady Tamara Knight: "Young knight, hast thou cometh to rescue me?"

(Which means "Young knight, have you come to rescue me?")

Sir Galahad: "Forsooth I cannot yet be certain for t'is dashed troublesome to see from down here through my visor. Art thou verily a fair maiden?"

("To be honest I'm not sure because I can't see a fucking thing through this poxy visor. Are you truly a gorgeous virgin or what?")

OK, you're on your own now.

Lady Tamara Knight: "I can indeed for I am considered the fairest damsel in distress in the Greater Neasden area." (Or wherever you're from.)

Sir Galahad: "Then I swear that I shall scale this lofty turret and liberate thee forthwith."

Lady Tamara Knight: "But beware the dastardly Sir Hugh Juter, for 'twas he who imprisoned me."

Sir Galahad: "Couldst thou describeth him?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Verily a giant of a man with a long black beard and enormous conk."

Sir Galahad: "Then I'll vouchsafe he's somewhat shorter now, for not five minutes past I relieved a varlet of that description of his head."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Surely thou jesteth, for Sir Hugh Juter has been a warrior of incomparable strength during this knightly cycle."

Sir Galahad: I jest not, for my lance arm's strong."

Lady Tamara Knight: So, you Sir, you must be the greatest knight ever."

Sir Galahad: "I suppose I am really."

Lady Tamara Knight: "The noble Sir Galahad!"

Sir Galahad: "And thou art?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Lady Tamara Knight of the Tower, rightful heiress to all thou canst survey."

Sir Galahad: "Verily some prime real estate. I shall shin up the tower and liberate thee anon."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Or thou couldst climbeth yonder staircase."

Sir Galahad: "A capital idea!"

(Go upstairs.)

Sir Galahad: "And now I seeth that thou art indeed a maiden fair."

Lady Tamara Knight: "So thou shalt taketh thy reward in the time-honoured fashion?"

Sir Galahad: "Fair Tamara I cannot for as Alfred Lord Tennyson's wroteth of me,

'My strength is as the strength of ten,

Because my heart is pure."

Lady Tamara Knight: "But Sir Galahad, he also wroteth of thee

'My tough lance thrusteth sure.'

So thrusteth me with thy tough lance Sir Galahad, thrusteth me!"

Sir Galahad: "Nay, nay and thrice nay fair Tamara for I only have my strength because

'I never felt the kiss of love,

Nor maiden's hand in mine."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Enough of the Tennyson nonsense, for thou hast been deceived cruelly for thy status as the greatest knight in the world was predestined."

Sir Galahad: "And never subject to the maintenance of a pure heart?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Nay, even before your conception, your grandfather King Pelles had the knowledge that Sir Lancelot wouldst impregnate his daughter and that his grandson wouldst become the knight chosen by God to rediscover the Holy Grail."

Sir Galahad: "Thou couldst at least have said 'Spoiler alert.' Now finding the Holy Grail wilst be a bit of an anti-climax."

Lady Tamara Knight: "But in the meaneth time thy tough lance shall thrusteth me sure, probably time and time again. 'Twill amazeth me shouldst I suffer an anti-climax and surpriseth me mightily if thee still whingeth on the morrow."

Sir Galahad: "Thou mayst be right. T'is time to trusteth, so droppeth thy flimsy undergarment fair Tamara."

Lady Tamara Knight: "But Galahad, thou surely knoweth t'would be pointless on account of what liest beneath my flimsy undergarment."

Sir Galahad: "Father Almighty! I hath waiteth a quarter of a century and when the moment cometh I meet a chick with a dick."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Forsooth Galahad I be no chick with a dick whatever that is."

Sir Galahad: "Then thou must be cock teaser!"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Foolish Galahad I be no cock teaser as many might attest. Surely all knights know that every damsel in distress weareth a chastity belt beneath her flimsy undergarment?"

Sir Galahad: "But I am pure of heart and have no knowledge of matters carnal."

Lady Tamara Knight: "So unliketh all the others thou hath no cutting device?"

Sir Galahad: "Nay, and you sayeth 'all the others' likest thou maketh a habit of this."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Well one hath to shaggeth many an ugly frog before one meeteth her handsome Prince."

Sir Galahad: "I supposeth that's true."

Lady Tamara Knight: "And I stateth with certainty that I am unsullied by any living man."

Sir Galahad: "I see. Sir Hugh Juter slew them all before they could produce their tin openers? Then thou art still a virgin!"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Not exactly."

Sir Galahad: "I don't understand."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Sir Hugh Juter slew them all immediately after they produced their tin openers amongst other things."

Sir Galahad: "So he killed them because they hath sullied his betrothed?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "Nay, because he loved slaying people. I was never his betrothed. Let's just say the knights were not slain absolutely immediately."

Sir Galahad: "I don't understand. You said he was a first class warrior."

Lady Tamara Knight: "Let me put it another way then. They were put to the sword before they were put to the sword."

Sir Galahad: "You're saying he killed them twice?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "I'll try again. Those knights met a fate worse than death."

Sir Galahad: "You're telling me he forceth them watch "Ron Burgandy: Anchorman 2 before he killed them?"

Lady Tamara Knight: "As cruel as Sir Hugh Juter was, he would never stoop that low. Now thou hast forcest me to sayeth it. He was gay and he had his way with them before he killed them."

Sir Galahad: "Then he will be stereotypically well organised and haveth the key abouteth his personage. As luck would haveth it I slew him not half a league distant."

(Go downstairs and return with a key.)

Lady Tamara Knight: "Good knight you have the key! This ist going to be far simpler than the bolt cutters. Now, will you finally putteth me to the lance?"

Sir Galahad: "Of course fair Tamara, you can putteth your last groat on it. From now and ever onwards, I'm going to lance a lot."

If you're playing Galahad this is your cue to unlock Tamara's chastity belt. It's quite literally the end of her lockdown! Ha! I'm back on form with the puns in the nick of time!

If you're Tamara, be gentle with Galahad. This is his first time and I want it to be special for him. And no, I'm not going to give you a load of explicit stage direction. I wrote earlier "I really must stop writing porn" and I meant it.