The Father Next Door

My friends called me Ollie, short for Olive. I was never exactly what you'd call plain looking, but I also didn't possess the goddess-like beauty of the women I saw in magazines or on TV either. I'd like to think I just hadn't fully grown into my looks yet. I was on the cusp of that shift when girls became women; at eighteen something of a late bloomer unlike my friend and neighbor, Charlotte, who looked twenty five the minute she turned sixteen with her round heavy breasts and high cheekbones. I had sandy blond hair that kissed the highest protruding point of my shoulder blades and amber eyes flecked with gold. My face was still a touch immature with a button nose that hadn't yet found it's final form and cheeks that rounded out a heart shaped display. My lips were ruby red. They always looked plump and irritated as though I'd been engaging in a long session of rough kissing with boys. Yet, I rarely did that. Sun warmed flesh the color of caramel announced my love of lounging on a blanket in the backyard, catching rays while I worked myself through whatever book I was currently reading. I had slender flowing limbs, a small waist, and the promise of an hourglass figure in my future. I was pretty, but I was no Charlotte Walker; dazzling dark haired siren that she was with her sparkling chocolate eyes and cupid's bow mouth..

I thought Charlotte had everything growing up. Even though we went to the same school, lived in side by side houses in the same neighborhood, and shared the same friends; her life just seemed... better. For one thing, her parents weren't completely checked out like mine were. I hadn't seen my Dad since I was six and the only thing I had to show for his presence in my life was a handful of birthday cards. My Mom on the other hand tried, but she was selfish. I always seemed to come in second to whatever boyfriend she was shacking up with at the time and believe me, there were a lot of them.

They drifted in and out of our lives; came and went with the seasons. No one ever stuck around for more than a few months, but a good handful of them took my existence in the house as an opportunity to dabble in fatherhood. I loathed it. I can't express what it feels like to have some half grown transient who's aching to play the role of Daddy unironically call you 'Young Lady' as he sends you to your room. Your room in your house; a house in which he will become a ghost before the end of the school year.

Charlotte's parents though, Henry and Linda Walker, they were special. Her Mom was involved in everything; the Parent Teacher Association, Girl Scouts, bake sales, charity food drives, etc. If there was something in Charlotte's life that required a parental role to be filled Mrs. Walker was there to fill it. Who knows where she got the energy; some mornings my Mom could barely roll herself out of bed much less manage to whip up a cake to raise money for the volleyball team. Charlotte told me once that her Mom was diagnosed with hyperthyroid. That seemed a likely explanation for why she could never sit still; accounted for the fact that she was so slender and didn't gain a single pound no matter what she ate. She wasn't the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen with wiry black hair and her signature harsh swath of red lipstick. She looked like the villainess of some Russian spy movie, but to me she had always been kind. She treated me like a part of the family.

Then, there was Charlotte's father. Where to begin; when I was growing up he was the only strong male role model in my life. I adored him and envied Charlotte. When she got angry with him for fulfilling his fatherly duties and took the opportunity to harshly criticize him, I couldn't help but feel indignant and protective. My heart ached when she shouted down the stairs one blustery fall day that he was a dick; all because he wouldn't let her go to some stupid Halloween party. I wanted to climb into his lap and console him and apologize for her bad behavior. It wasn't just that Henry Walker was handsome, though he was. With his broad shoulders and cool blue eyes reminiscent of deep glacial pools, that dark neatly trimmed mahogany hair, and the thickness of his perfectly maintained beard; he was spectacular. He was also the best example of a good man that I'd ever seen - strong, assertive, gracious, and loving.

Sometimes I felt like Mr. Walker or Henry, I would have loved to call him Henry, was the only reason I was friends with a girl like Charlotte — loud, impetulant, boorish Charlotte. When she walked, she stomped on her heels. When she talked, she shouted over everyone else. She was a teenage nightmare who seemed to be fueled by the misery of her peers. There were a few bullies in our school though they were mostly harmless. They'd hone in on obvious flaws and stumble clumsily through generalized insults or partake in minor acts of physical aggression. They didn't cause that same lasting, emotional trauma that Charlotte could when she chose a victim. Charlotte wouldn't just knock your books out of your hand or trip you on the way up the stairs; she had the unique ability to see into the soul of her victims and pick apart the very fabric of their being. She was like a bloodhound sniffing out youthful insecurities so she might shine a light on them for all to see. Luckily, I wasn't on Charlotte's bad side, though that was mostly an accident of geography. We had little in common, but we grew up together. We were 'friends' and so I wasn't often held subject to her abuses like so many of our peers.

I had to wonder what Henry thought of his daughter. I always liked to imagine that he favored me and might have secretly wished to trade us. That fantasy was spurred on by all the little things he would do; like the way he might wink at me while teasing her, or how his warm smile unfolded when he saw me at the front door after school. On a small handful of occasions he embraced me; twice in one day last Christmas. I have revelled in the memory of his beard tickling my neck while strong arms pulled me against his expansive broad chest. The scent of his woody cologne evokes images of lumberjacks and fir trees. If I'm honest, the mere nearness of him had begun to excite me in ways it shouldn't. My heart raced, my palms sweat, my mouth went dry. Embarrassingly, my voice on occasion would flutter at higher octaves threatening to break over the mere retelling of some mundane detail of my day prompting Mr. Walker to grin, "Frog in your throat?"

Although I struggled with guilt in the beginning, I think I can pinpoint the moment that adoration turned to desire. It was the start of senior year and I had reluctantly agreed to go on a date with a boy from school. He wasn't someone I felt all that interested in, but I was encouraged by friends. Jacob Mitchell never had much to talk about, and might well have been a better match for Charlotte with his shallow obsession into highschool hierarchies. He was obnoxiously good-looking, fresh faced, and athletic.

My Mom was off for a weekend at the coast with her latest male fixation, so there was no one to see me off on my date or welcome me home when it concluded. Foolishly, I mentioned this during some meandering chatter about our day. For the most part, it went well. We saw a movie, commiserated over a slice of pizza, the kind with the pepperoni tucked under the cheese like a soggy salty secret, and then hit up an arcade where he spent $10 over 30 minutes to get me a tiny stuffed Emoji with heart eyes - which I thanked him for, and secretly hated.

He drove me back to my house around midnight. The vacancy of our home was obvious, a sullen shadow shrouded in darkness, illuminated dimly by one sole light from the Walkers' kitchen next door. Above us an inky blue sky twinkled with starlight as we sat in his 2003 Nissan Sentra and prepared to say farewell. I knew there was a question of 'the kiss goodnight' after any date, but nice as he was - I just wasn't feeling it. In an effort to avoid him trying anything, I leaned over for a simple kiss on the cheek. But just as I did, his digits began to creep along the outer edge of my thigh, then started moving between them, his hand obscured by the hem of my sundress. I caught him by the wrist and attempted to stop the steady climb of his fingers, "What are you doing?"

"C'mon, just relax," his voice pitched with agitation as a shadow folded over me, free hand fumbling for the release lever on my seat which would send me careening backwards with a halting thud until I was left with a clear shot through the moonroof. A second later the lonesome sky was silhouetted by his head, one thick leg swinging across my lap, "I like you, Olive," as though he were trying to convince me while he slithered between my legs, a hand then moving north to paw at my breast.

"Stop!" A surge of adrenaline sent me spiraling and for a brief second I felt a rush of unnerving heat flood my limbs and shoot up the back of my neck. My stomach lurched as I beat a fist against his chest. It felt like I was losing control of the situation by the time I heard a loud rip of stitches popping and the cool air of the night enveloping one half of my chest, "Stop it, Jacob!" Already, my eyes were blurring with the threat of tears; large salty soldiers lined the pink rims of my eyes before plunging down my cheeks, one and then another. The broiling hot sting of embarrassment shook them out of me along with a hard sob.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he growled, as the heel of his palm careen with my shoulder slamming me back into the seat. My skull rebounded off the headrest; I could just barely make out that snarling nasty expression that rode his face in the blackness of the car. "Calm the fuck down, Ollie." Muscular legs spread between my own forcing them to part, my dress tugged up to expose white cotton panties. The same kind I'd worn my whole life, they almost seemed to glow in the dark and I'd glance down only to be struck by how juvenile they looked now. His hand wrestled under the elastic; fumbling, awkward digits probing my slit.

"Please, don't...." beneath him I blubbered, my small body convulsing with sobs as the weight of him pinned me down and then, suddenly, he was gone. I barely heard the passenger door being jerked open. The sound that made my eyes flutter wide was a deep and guttural growl emanating from outside the car followed by a yelp and the soft tumbling thuds of 165lbs of boy being hurled across my front yard.

"Get out of the car, Olive." Stern words from who other than Mr. Walker. Henry, my savior, the coveted Father next door, hero, champion, defender of virginity, conqueror of Jacob Mitchell. At his back a motion sensor light clicked on illuminating him in it's warm golden glow and I felt like I was seeing him again for the first time. Except I wasn't seven years old anymore, I was 18 and a certified adult. Oxytocin flooded my veins as I stepped out of the Nissan with trembling legs. I was stupefied, unable to form words as he hoisted my teenage assailant by the scruff of the neck until they were nose to nose, "You're going to get the fuck out of here," was uttered through gritted teeth as Mr. Walker hurled Jacob against the side of his car. His muscles bulged beneath the tight cuff of his crisp white undershirt, chest heaving with heavy breathes of exertion as he stood poised and protective with curled fists at his side as though daring Jacob to say a single word.

Jacob Mitchell could have been raptured at that moment for all I know. I can only assume he got in his car and drove away, but my gaze never returned to him. I was fixated on Henry. It was a side of him I'd never seen, in fact, I'd never even heard him curse before. He was good natured and humorous so I was shocked to find that beneath this genteel facade was a night time neighborhood warrior. He turned towards me, "Are you alright, Ollie?" A few long strides would eat up the distance between us and I'd notice his gaze lower to my chest. It only occurred to me then that my breast was hanging free of my dress as the pathetic little spaghetti strap which held that aside aloft and been torn.

"Mmhmm," was all I could muster as I sucked the plump rosy swell of my bottom lip between my teeth. I felt frozen, a deer in headlights, I didn't even move to cover myself. He reached forward and collected the broken strap of my dress to tug it upwards, the back of thick knuckles brushed against my stiffening nipple on the way up. Had he meant to do that? My heart raced in quick rabbit-like beats.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," he sighed as he gathered the other string from he back and tied them together over my shoulder leaving my outfit slightly askew, "Your Mom isn't home, is she?" He shook his head and a powerful arm curled around my slender shoulders guiding me back towards my house. All at once, just like that; desire, craving, yearning was birthed in me. I didn't want to be his little girl anymore, to replace Charlotte. I wanted to be his, just his. It hardly mattered what. Lover, maybe? Anything that would have him take possession of me, claim me, call me his own. "Let's get you inside..."

At the kitchen counter he poured me a glass of milk and slid it across the counter, "It'll help you sleep," an encouraging smile touched his lips, but vanished as quickly as it came. "Guys like that," he paused to lean against the counter, "They aren't worth your time, Ollie. Don't let anyone convince you that you aren't worth waiting for."

It was an awkward subject matter to broach with any adult, but Mr. Walker wasn't like most adults. Still, the fact that he was considering my sex life made me blush, "I guess," I paused, uncertain on how to proceed, " I just want my first time to be with someone that actually cares about me; not someone that sees me as a conquest or achievement, you know?" I sighed, pulling the glass towards me, sliding my finger in a circle around the rim. "I'm not sure that will ever happen. I feel like a jerk magnet." I was still shaken, but felt secure back in my own home with Mr. Walker.

"You're a good girl, Olive. You're smart, beautiful, kind, and funny. Men notice things like that. Good men do. Sometimes, not so good too. You'll have to learn to spot the difference." He reached up and rubbed a hand against the back of his head, "There's no rush to the finish line. You have the rest of your life ahead of you."

There in the still quiet of the kitchen the hands on the clock approached 1am and I was already lamenting the moment when Mr. Walker would leave me. I didn't actually like milk, but I brought the glass to my lips for a single sip, happy to do anything he requested of me. Drink milk? Climb Mt. Everest? Just say the word, Henry. Anything. From all of what he conveyed one thing shone through, though I was endeared by the fact that he would spend any time imparting his fatherly wisdom to me, "You've always been good to me, Mr. Walker. Do you really think I'm beautiful?" my voice was timid.

Mr. Walker chuckled and came around to the other side of the counter, "Sure, even with the mustache," and his thumb would lift to brush milk from my upper lip. Who can say what drove me to do what I did next; madness, maybe? My small pink tongue unfurled to lap at his thumb and drew it into my mouth. I closed my eyes to gently suck, noting all the little ridges on the pad of his digit which I could now feel with the excellent tactile sensitivity of that strong slick muscle.

He lingered all of thirty seconds and I'd feel his fingers fan out against my cheek, cupping it, holding me there. When I opened my eyes again he was withdrawing, his damp thumb gliding south over my bottom lip which was teased down with the weight of that appendage before springing back into place. The calloused pad slid over my chin as his hand descended, along with his gaze towards my collarbone. Fingers curled around the delicate stem of my neck. I felt like at that moment he was no longer seeing me as his daughter's playmate; pigtails and overalls with a splash of freckles cast across the bridge of my nose - that image was retreating. I'd filled out. My breasts had developed, I had a curve at my hip, my limbs were no longer stocky and thick with baby fat but rather long and willowy. "Henry," I whispered, a gentle nudge that would snap him back to reality.

His hand withdrew as though he'd touched something hot, "I should go," he turned away from me as my fingers chased after the soft cotton fabric of his shirt just barely grazing the hem, "Early day tomorrow. Get some sleep, Ollie." And I wonder if he didn't sound a touch angry or disturbed; he left so fast I couldn't manage a word. Had I misinterpreted everything? Did he not want me even a little?

I walked to the window and watched as he, this solitary figure, walked across the lawn before vanishing into his house, only for all the lights to go dark a few seconds later. I felt like crying. Had I just destroyed a relationship of eleven years? Suddenly, I was flooded with memories; Mr. Walker picking us up early from school to take us to the movies, bandaging my skinned knee, making ice cream sundays, tossing Charlotte and I into the pool while Mrs. Walker shrieked at him to be careful. I collapsed into the sofa sobbing for the father I'd never really have and the lover I'd never know.

The next day I didn't leave the house. When Monday rolled around, I called Charlotte to tell her I was sick. I was afraid she would know what transpired a few nights before and hate me for it, but when she answered, she seemed unaware. "Sure, get well soon or whatever," a few cavalier words tossed my way as I heard a wad of double bubble gum pop against the receiver before the line went dead. How had I been friends with her so long? I could only assume it was due to her parents who had lovingly welcomed me into their home when mine was crumbling around me like ancient ruins decimated by carelessness and selfish desire.

The next time I saw Mr. Walker was the following Thursday. I'd managed to regroup and find some little sliver of strength that would send me to lay a few timid knocks at his front door. It opened with a creak of complaint, oil hungry hinges announcing my presence. "Ollie," he looked surprised to see me, "Are you looking for Charlotte?" At no other time in the past would he have had to ask this question, his brow lofted as he set his cool blue eyes on me and I mustered an answer.

"Yes, well, no, but yes," I stumbled over my words and felt myself curling inward as slender shoulders rolled forward, "I just wanted to apologize..." if I could have collapsed in on myself at that moment like a dying star, fizzled out to become one with the universe I would have done just that.

Mercifully, he stopped me before I got any further, "It's fine, Ollie. No need to talk about it," and he stepped aside gesturing towards the stairs, "Charlotte is in her room." His demeanor seemed cooler than usual; there was no warm smile for me today just a look of casual indifference that I couldn't tell if he truly felt, or if it was for my personal benefit. Maybe an attempt to offer me clemency for the foolish impetuous actions of a young girl which had filled me with enough shame to hold me at bay this last week.

Except I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to tell him I didn't regret it and that I couldn't stop thinking about him even if I was sorry. That he had consumed my thoughts every waking moment. I wanted to explain that he'd lit a fire in me that wasn't easily extinguished. I wanted to say that I was his even if he didn't know it, even if he didn't want me - his and all he had to do was say the word or even just my name. How much did I love the way my name rolled off his tongue in that deep rumbling voice of his, my full name even, Olive. Say my name, I willed him, say it and I'm yours; except he wouldn't and didn't so I moved past him with a somber nod and padded up the stairs.