Struggling to Survive Pt. 04

Author's note:

I apologize for the long wait for chapter three. I had submitted it, but it wasn't posted for some reason. It stayed pending for an entire week. I thought it was going to be rejected for some reason or another. Thank you all for your patience, and thank you for continuing to read.

Preview of previous chapter:

Tom was settling in nicely at his job. His trial period ended with, and he even got a nice bump in pay. Unfortunately, he was growing increasingly frustrated with the decline of his marriage. No matter what he tried, he couldn't figure out what was going on with Kara.

Kara finally made some headway with her mission of revenge against her boss. She and her new partner met up for a celebration that quickly got out of hand. Before he knew it, she had sex in the backseat of her car with him.

Now she is faced with the dilemma of what to do about it.

CHAPTER FOUR

Kara narrating:

"I told you to stay away from him Kara! God!"

Sandra didn't even try to hide the disappointment in her voice. it didn't matter though. Nothing she said could even come close to the beating I'd given myself. Whatever chastisement I received from her, I'd certainly said to myself.

It had been a week since that ill-fated rendezvous in the parking lot. That night, after I realized what I'd done, I violently pushed Richard out of my car. His placating words of comfort fell on deaf ears. I haphazardly put myself together and made a mad dash for home.

"FUCK KARA! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I yelled at myself as I banged on the steering wheel. Tears streamed down my face and made it impossible to see. I had to get home. I had to get home to my husband.

At the next traffic light, I looked in the mirror on my visor. The person that looked back at me was a woman in disarray. Hair was all over the place. Eyes were red and wet with tears.

Even worse was the sexual satisfaction that I felt. Instead of it being an afterglow, it just further drove the nail of betrayal into my husband's wrist and feet. I saw myself, moaning like a banshee as I embraced another man between my legs. He took pleasure from my vagina.

No, that's not right. He didn't take pleasure. I gave it to him.

I looked down at my clothing. My blouse was untucked and wrinkled. My bare legs were visible, which reminded me that I'd allowed Richard to remove my pantyhose. To fuck me. In the backseat of my car. Like a common slut.

That is exactly what I was. A cheater. A slut. An adulterous whore. Whatever you want to call it. That's just semantics. Once they were stripped off, I was a woman who betrayed her husband.

Luckily for me, Tom wasn't there when I got home. I didn't even try to find him. I just made the most of my luck and cleaned myself up to hide my transgression.

"What are you gonna do?" Sandra's question penetrated my thoughts, snapping me back to the present. Her worried expression and look of pity almost made me break down again.

"I don't know San."

"Well, I hope you're not planning on doing something monumentally stupid, like TELLING HIM!"

"I can't keep this a secret San! I can't just lie to him! It's killing me."

She reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but you've already been lying to him."

That broke the dam. Loud sobs came from me as I cried like a prisoner about to be executed. The restaurant seemed to freeze as everyone took notice at our table. This just made me wail even louder.

"Ummm, Miss? Is everything okay?"

The waiter had appeared out of nowhere. No doubt he was sent over to quiet the weeping woman who was ruining the calm ambience for the rest of the lunchtime customers. Nothing dampens the mood of serenity like a crying female.

"Hey...Jack?" Sandra said as she read his name tag. Then she pulled out a $50 bill and stuffed it in his pocket. "Keep everyone away from here and give us some privacy, okay?" He nodded at his new fortune and went away.

"Listen Kara" she said to me once he was out of earshot, "you aren't going to be doing either one of you any favors by telling him. What's done is done. If I were you, I would chalk this up as a lesson learned and move on."

"Why didn't I just listen to you Sandy?" I wailed as I dropped my head into my arms. Sandra rubbed my shoulder softly as I let it out.

This question was the key, wasn't it? Why did I succumb? I knew the risks. I saw where this could be heading. I had been warned. And I did it anyway. Whether I told Tom or not, I was going to have to figure this out.

After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself enough to lift my head up. A few sniffles later, I was calm enough to talk.

"I have to tell him." I said finally. She looked at me and shook her head, but she didn't say anything. There was a degree of finality in my voice, like the decision was made and there was no sense in arguing.

We ate our lunch in relative silence. I was lost in my misery, and Sandra seemed to sense that. However, she had one question that needed to be answered.

"I've got to know Kara. How was the sex? Was it at least any good?"

The guilty look on my face told her everything that she needed to know. She sighed at me with a rueful smile and shook her head.

"That good, huh? Well, if I were you, I would avoid telling Tom THAT."

*****************************

Tom Narrating:

"Tom, what's been up with you lately? You've been so down in the dumps." My mom said to me as she dropped Sam off.

"It's just Kara, mom. She's been...acting strange. It's really messing with me."

"What do you mean by strange?" my mom said in a lowered voice and sat on the couch. She recognized the fact that there were ears around the house. Kara wasn't home yet because she was working late, but my boys were home.

Just then, as if on cue, Dean walked past us to go to the kitchen. He saw my mother sitting on the couch and politely said, "Hi Granny."

My mother answered him in a tone that is usually reserved for strangers. "Hello Dean."

My son went into the fridge and got whatever snack he came for, and then quietly walked away. Once he was out of earshot, she turned back to me. "Now, what were you saying?"

However, I was no longer in the mood to talk about Kara. I was pissed at HER. There could have possibly been an overlap from my anger at Kara -- in fact, there almost certainly was. When you're mad, EVERYTHING else that happens simply adds to it. But at that moment, it was justly pointed at my mo.

"Why do you treat him like that?" I burst out. My mom looked taken aback.

"What are you talking about Tom?"

I know that we are all supposed to respect our parents. I know this. But a switch had been flipped in me.

"I'm talking about Dean. My son! Why do you treat him like some stranger?"

"Tom, he's not really..."

That's when my anger went full volcanic eruption.

"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU FINISH THAT FUCKING SENTENCE I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF HERE AND TELL YOU TO NEVER COME BACK!"

Her mouth snapped shut as she stared at me in utter shock. I had never cursed at my mother, nor yelled at her. Ever. That's just something that you don't do.

Her eyes started to well up with tears, and the heat went out of my anger. I was still pissed, but I was able to take it down a notch.

"Mom, I love you. I really do. But I'm sick of you showing so much favoritism to Sammy. They are both my sons. I love them both equally. And I'm not gonna let you continue to do this to Dean."

"Tom, you can't expect me to treat Dean the same as Sammy. Like he's family. I know that you love him, but you can't make me treat him like he's my own." Her tears were streaming down her face at this point. It broke my heart. But my next decision shattered it.

"Then you have to leave. Don't pick Sammy up anymore from school. When I want to see you, I will come to you. But you won't treat my son like a second class citizen anymore simply because you have issues with what Dad did. My job is to protect my boys, even if it means I have to protect them from you."

At the mention of my dad, her face morphed. There was a hint of anger that played across it, then it fell to look even sadder than it did before.

"Tom..." she said in a small weak voice. But there was nothing left for us to say. She saw that in my eyes.

"Go mom. Please, just go."

She raised her body from the couch, like the weight of the world was sitting on her shoulders. She turned to walk to the door. Each step that she took got harder and harder. Before she made it, sobs were racking her body.

Fuck mom. Why did you make me do that?

When she made it to the door, she turned to me and looked at me with sad eyes.

"You always have to be the hero Tom. You aren't happy unless you are."

"You think this makes me happy, mom?"

All she could do was shake her head and walk out of my house, closing the door behind her.

Some hero!

***

Things had been cool around the house. Even more cool than they were before. Kara's behavior took yet another turn. It was still odd, but it was 180 degrees from what it had been before.

Instead of the exuberant sex kitten wife that Kara had briefly become, she was a sullen, emotionally fragile shell of a woman. She was so silent that one would have thought that she took a vow of silence. She only answered a question that was asked. Nothing more.

I tried to talk to her. I probed for information about the happenings at work. I asked about her boss' status, and her coworkers. Her monotone replies told me that her boss had taken a leave of absence to deal with personal matters. He reassured everyone that this had nothing to do with the investigation against him and Norman. I took that to mean that he was guilty as fuck and needed time to try to cover up his tracks.

Other than that she was very quiet. I took that to mean that she felt she had nothing else she wanted to tell me. I was waiting, Hoping. But there was nothing.

This only threw gasoline on my anger. I KNEW that she had something to tell me, and that it revolved around her job. My attempts at trying to get information to understand her better only succeeded in widening the chasm between us. The more she denied that anything was bothering her, the more pissed I became. The more pissed I became, the more she pulled away.

All men know that the most dangerous word you can hear from a woman is "nothing." What's wrong? Nothing! Nothing means "something big, that I may or may not tell you, when I decide". I got a lot of "nothings" and got more pissed.

I was growing more apprehensive by the day. The frustration of having something looming over our heads was insufferable. This made me grow more irritable. And it was spreading.

That's both the blessing and the curse of emotions. They are fluid. Our brains don't hold our emotions like a pool holds water. It is more like trying to trap water in a room. The more feelings build up, the more they begin to seep under the door and flow into the next room. They soak through the floor and start to affect things downstairs. If left long enough, they can rot the wood. Destroy the foundation. Simply put, it's hard to keep emotions contained in the area where they originated.

When a person is happy and full of life, they tend to spread that to others. This in turn affects how others respond to them. The same is also true for negative emotions. Bitterness, rage, unforgiveness, resentment, all of those spread too. Because people often focus on the bad things, these can spread even faster and further than we intended.

My budding resentment toward Kara didn't just stay with her. It effected how I reacted to my sons. It started to come into play when I was at my job. My mother's favoritism towards Sammy irked me more than it normally did and resulted in me banishing her from my sons' lives. I reacted to everyone and everything with the anger that I felt towards Kara.

I had a sobering flash of insight during an altercation that I had with Dean on trash day. One of Dean's chores is to take the trash out to the curb the night before. Well, as teenagers do, he forgot. He came to me and apologized for being forgetful when he realized his error.

Because of the growing tension and stress that I had been under, my reaction was disproportionate to the offense.

"Dean, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm sick of having the same talk with you over and over again."

"I know pops. I'm sorry. You don't have to jump all over me. Just because you and mom can't seem to communicate anymore doesn't mean that you have to take it out on me!"

To say I was taken aback would be a misuse of words. My next reaction was all out anger.

"Who do you think you're talking to, boy? Watch your mouth when you address me! You hear me? NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!"

Dean's mouth went agape as his eyes widened in fear. Sammy looked up from the game he was playing and his face held the same level of alarm as he stared at Dean and I. Tears dropped down Dean's cheek right before he ran out of the room like it was on fire.

I lay in bed hours later, replaying that horrific scene in my mind. Never before had I cussed at my kids. Never. The look of absolute terror on my boys' faces was enough to haunt me for a lifetime.

What made me angry enough to lash out like that? He had forgotten to take out the trash before. I never reacted that way. I got annoyed. I put him on punishment. I made him do pushups. But I never spoke to him as disrespectfully as I did then. What was wrong with me?

Just because you and mom can't seem to communicate doesn't mean that you have to take it out on me!

There is was. The epicenter of my struggle. So easy even a child can see it. And for his perceptiveness he was attacked. Great dad I was. Some hero.

When Kara finally came up to lay down, I'd finally had enough. No more dancing around it. It was time to deal with this. So I did.

"I saw you." I said simply. She turned over to face me with a questioning look.

"Huh? You saw me? What are you talking about?'

I then looked her straight in the eyes. She began to grow uncomfortable under my intense stare, but I didn't blink.

"I saw you in the parking lot."

"You saw me in the p..." She started to repeat what I said to her in confusion, but the words began to take form. They worked their way into her brain. As they did, her eyes became wide.

She understood. Her voice simply trailed off when she realized what I said to her. By that time, she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.

"Yeah Kara. I saw you in the parking lot." I repeated. Then I punctuated it with, "I saw you fucking."

Silence engulfed the room as our new reality settled on us. Her wide eyes stared at me in horror as they watered up. Her mouth couldn't seem to get anything coherent out. I watched as my wife broke right before my eyes.

"I've had this nagging feeling that you were hiding something from me. Your behavior lately has been erratic. You avoid my questions about your job and act like there is nothing big going on there. You were coming home later than normal, but didn't have a reasonable explanation as to where you were. Then there was the night you practically jump my bones out of nowhere. I couldn't figure out what was going on with you. So I started watching you more closely. Trying to find some answers. I figured that there was something going on at your job. I decided that that next time you were late coming home, I would try to find you."

"Tom, please let me..."

"I didn't actually think that you were cheating on me. I knew something was going on with you, and I knew that it was in the realm of possibility, but I actually believed that there was another logical reason." I cut her off and continued my story. I didn't want to hear shit from her at this point. This was meant to be a monologue. Right now, SHE was going to listen to ME. Dialogue would come later.

"I mean, I figured there could be a guy that had your attention. But I thought that if that were the case, then maybe there was some flirting, or inappropriate touching. I never thought, in a million years..."

My voice cracked at the end. I couldn't even get it out. My mouth couldn't form the words. It was like the words "you were having an affair" were so foreign that it was like I was speaking another language. Like the words didn't have an English translation.

I felt an onrush of those bottled up feelings as they began to pour out. Ever since I found out, I had tried to compartmentalize. Sometimes, when I don't know what to do, I just do nothing. It's a flaw. When confronted with a situation that I am unable to handle, I have a habit of overthinking or avoiding entirely. My mind runs through the different scenarios in vicious loop. Nothing productive happens during this time.

So I sat on my discovery. And I waited for her to say something. And I brooded. And I waited. And I became a total asshole. But now, all of that anger and hurt was suddenly rushing to the surface, like a shaken can of soda.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME KARA? HOW COULD YOU GO OUT AND FUCK ANOTHER MAN!"

The words exploded out of me with force. The tears flowed down my face and sobs overtook me. Kara got out of the bed and made her way over to me, as if to comfort me. This pissed me off even more.

"DON'T YOU DARE COME ANY CLOSER. YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" I took a step back and thrust a finger in front of me, pointing at her as I yelled this out. She stopped in her tracks.

"Please Tom. Please." She said, begging me to allow her to touch me. To hold me. To love me.

Did she ever love me?

"I waited, you know, for you to tell me something. That you're leaving. That your were sorry. To work harder at us. To show me something. And, and ..." I couldn't continue. The emotions were too much.

I realized that I couldn't stay there any longer. I had to leave. That was the only rational thought going through my head at that moment.

So I went over to my dresser and ripped clothes out of the drawers. I wasn't looking for clothes that matched, or even went together. I was looking for a shirt, some pants, and my shoes.

"Tom, where are you going?"

I turned my back to her and ignored her as I haphazardly dressed. Answering her would open the gates for more conversation, and I didn't want that. I wasn't ready for it. The only thing I was concerned with was getting some distance.

But she wouldn't let up. I felt her hand on my shoulder as she attempted to turn me around to face her.

"Tom, we need to talk."

My reaction was so sudden, even I was surprised. I spun around and violently slapped her hand away. "DON'T TOUCH ME JAZMIN! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WHORE!"

She recoiled and grabbed her wrist in pain. I sat thee breathing heavily as she looked at me in fear. Then the fear gave way to hurt. Finally, she conceded to my wishes and left the room.

When I was finally dressed and ready to leave, I found her in the living room. She was sitting on the couch sobbing and holding her wrist. Our eyes met for a brief second. It was like I was looking at a complete stranger. The funny thing is, she looked at me the same way.

"I'm going to be staying at my folk's house. I'll leave my cellphone on in case you need me. Please, don't call me unless there is an emergency. I need room to think."

I half expected her to object. Isn't that what the women in these stories do? The man says he needs space, and they try every trick in their arsenal to get him stay. But she didn't do that. She didn't object. She just looked at me while holding her wrist.

"Okay."

That was all she said. No begging me to stay. No pleading for me to simply listen to reason. She didn't tell me that she would wait for me forever. She simply said, "Okay".