Snow Drop

Love again. And again, if need be. I could only ever love you but I was broken that way. You have a bigger heart. Let me take up space in a corner of it, but let others rent it out too. Love someone, and show them who you are. Tell them about us, and then Colin, please, make your own memories. I want to hear them someday. This is the first thing I want for you.

He kissed the sheet and put it back in the file. There was no rush to tell Julie what was in his heart. She knew, and he suspected he knew what was in hers. But in order to get himself right, to get himself ready for the long, slow fall into loving her, he needed to do three things.

And that day, just a couple weeks before the Snow Drop, he started in on them.

* * *

Martin and Eva Ebbesen lived in a small house on the ranch where they worked. He called first to make sure they were around. Eva picked up, surprised and pleased to hear from him. He explained he wanted to meet up, and they set up a time when both she and Martin would be home.

It wasn't a long drive, just ten miles beyond the bridge, but it took Colin a half hour, mostly because he stopped at the turnoff for their place and sat in his SUV, his knuckles white around the steering wheel.

He bumped into Silje's parents on occasion. It was a small town and they circled the same businesses. There was no bad blood between them. In one of her clear spells, Silje recorded a video for them to be delivered after she was gone, explaining as calmly as she could manage what was going to happen and why. Colin recorded it together with her. By then, her darker thoughts were taking larger and larger bites of her mind, and she didn't trust herself to talk about her plans for her death without deciding to just do it if she was alone. It broke Colin's heart in so many ways to hear her explain to her parents the way they'd been talking about it for a couple years, but he tried to stay strong for her.

Even if Silje hadn't left her family the video, they probably would have understood. Their daughter's body failed her so suddenly and rapidly, in so many ways, and that wasn't counting Silje's mental afflictions. They understood the reality. Silje suffered too much. She fought as hard as anyone could have in her shoes, with as much dignity as she could manage for so long. That she would only want Colin with her in the end was understandable too. Their daughter loved him with all her heart and she would be most at peace with him.

Now, Eva walked out when she saw his SUV approach. She was already fighting the quiver in her cheeks that meant she was about to cry, something her daughter inherited from her. Martin came out too after a moment. They looked good, fuller, maybe more vibrant than the last time Colin ran into them, or maybe that was him projecting his need for them to be okay.

Eva greeted him with a long hug, one neither of them wanted to break. In their age-old tradition, Colin and Martin shook hands before hugging. They led him inside, and on the kitchen table, still steaming hot, was homemade pizza. Colin laughed, and cried a little too. It was his old favorite of Eva's superb cooking, and he gladly sat for a bite with them.

They asked after each other, Colin making them go first. Ranch life was going well, though they were thinking more and more about retirement, which would probably mean a move into the town.

"We're too old for moving," Martin said.

Colin chuckled. "You've got my help if you want it. I think I could wrangle Mickey Fisher into it too. We're sort of becoming friends."

"We heard about you and Julie Fisher," Eva said quietly. "That's why you're here, isn't it?"

Colin sighed. "Yeah. We just started dating but it's obvious there's a connection there, something I want to explore. And I can't do that without..." He swallowed. "Without telling her what she needs to know about Silje and me."

There was no need to explain. Martin nodded and folded his trembling hands in front of him. "Given the quality of her parents, I think she can handle it."

"You know you have our blessing," Eva said.

"That means the world to me," Colin said. "I don't want you to think I don't love Silje any..." His voice broke, and he couldn't finish the sentence. Eva came to him and hugged him tight. Her presence warmed him, and he slowly composed himself.

Martin said, "We would never assume that. You two... you were something incredibly beautiful together. She would want you to be happy."

"But Colin, promise us one thing," Eva said.

"What's that?"

"I know how painful it must be but we'd love to see you more often. Lunch or something when we're in town. Or come back out any time."

"When you're ready," Martin added.

Colin took Eva's hand. "I think I'm ready now."

* * *

Lester was his next call, and this one was difficult too, though packed with stranger emotions. After the sheriff listened to Colin say he wanted to meet up and talk, he asked one question, "What are you doing Thanksgiving morning?"

"Nothing."

"Supposed to have a break in the weather. I was going to put up my Christmas decorations and I could use some help. Talk then?"

"Sounds good," Colin said.

In the meantime, he and Julie kept up their sweet moment-to-moment relationship. She started staying the night more often, and he in turn started waking up earlier so they could have breakfast together, the one meal of the day they could count on. That touched her. Brendan was forever a late sleeper and she couldn't remember the last time they ate breakfast together.

She had the day off before Thanksgiving, the first really beautiful day in a while. They weren't about to waste it, and swung by the local bakery for breakfast paninis. They ate them in the nearby city park, watching the Chamber of Commerce use a bucket lift to decorate the trees and string up lights along the lamp poles.

"I've missed Christmas here," Julie said. "People still care. It doesn't feel... mm..."

"Obligatory."

"Exactly." Her phone buzzed, and she glanced at it. "Ugh. Brendan."

"Everything okay?"

"Oh yeah. Wants to know if I wound up with the potato masher. The fucking potato masher." She texted him back, reading aloud as she wrote. "Probably. Lucky for you, they are widely available for all of five dollars. Best of luck."

Colin chuckled. She stuffed her phone away and he wrapped an arm around her. She nestled into him with a pleased sigh. One of the lights people nudged another and they blatantly stared.

"What's their problem?" Julie asked.

"Me. Apart from trips to New Bainbridge for groceries and eventually the gym, I didn't come out of my house for a few years. I'm sure you've heard that."

"Something along those lines. Who could blame you?"

"Thanks. But it's a small town. People get ideas in their head. It started as a joke. People would tell the wildest things about me. My mom got a lot of laughs about it. Still does. There were some pretty good ones. That I was a serial killer, that I was keeping someone locked up in my basement, that I thought I was turning into a vampire."

"Okay, that is pretty good," Julie said, grinning against him and kissing his chest.

"Right? But then it started to get meaner and meaner spirited, and people... well, you know people. They believe whatever they want to because it makes their lives more interesting. People started to spread darker, less funny stuff. The one I heard a dozen variations of, I was buying up guns and ammo for a big shooting. Another one, there was a guy down in Bowman, he raped this woman, and because his picture looked vaguely like mine, people assumed it was me. They could have looked up the news articles and read about it, but nope, they were convinced already. Lately, because I picked Cameron's kids up to drive them to the Fall Fest, people have been walking their kids a mile around me."

"Oh God, I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't be. But if you're with me, you'll have to get used to it."

Julie pulled away from him. "Screw that. Here's something straight out of Silje's playbook."

"What?" Colin asked.

She stood up, and cupped her hands to her mouth. "Hey! Assholes! You see something worth staring at?"

The two men at least had the decency to finally look away, but Julie wasn't done. She stomped forward and in a true imitation of Silje, gripped her designer belt and hitched it up the way Colin's wife used to.

"Hey! I'm talking to you! What did you hear about him? Hm? Did you hear he sucks the blood out of chickens? Maybe that he had a dick twice your size? I don't know about the chickens, but the second one's wrong. It's three times as big. So get back to work and mind your business, dickheads!"

"Jesus, Ms. Fisher, we're sorry," one of them said.

"Yeah, well... good. Spread the word. Stop treating Colin Shaw like he's something weird. That's my guy now and this town is going to start treating him like the great person he is. So apologize to him, not me."

"Uh. Sorry, Colin," the other one called.

Colin waved tightly, and Julie returned to him. She climbed onto him on the bench, one knee on either side of his hips, and leaned down to kiss him with plenty of tongue in front of everyone. Then she collapsed sideways and they both broke out into fits.

"How was that?" Julie asked when she finally could speak.

"Silje to a T down to the make-out session."

Colin didn't sleep well that night, even with Julie tucked in beside him. He wasn't worried about the conversation about Silje with Lester, but he did want to ask for the man's blessing in pursuing something with his daughter and that, he wasn't sure if Lester would give him.

But that wasn't quite it, either. Talking to Lester always carried with it haunted dreams and the memories came sharply into focus again. Holding Silje on the mountain, crying over her, whispering to her long after she was gone. Twigs snapping, rocks kicked around behind them. The sheriff's only words at first and for a very long time were, "Ah Jesus. Ah fuck." Then he came to the pair, and knelt. The two men stayed up there like that, Silje between them, the sheriff crying softly, the city and the river sprawled out below, the sight Silje last wanted to see, aside from Colin.

Now.

Now, Colin woke with Julie, and cooked her breakfast -- scrambled eggs and bagels, with a slice of tomato for her. She sensed his unease but said nothing about it, and when it came time for her to go to work, she kissed him on the cheek.

"See you for dinner tonight at my parents' place?"

"Absolutely," Colin said. Assuming Lester didn't warn him away from his daughter.

But Lester didn't.

The sheriff was pulling out boxes onto the driveway when Colin stopped at his curb. It looked like he was organizing lights, and Colin joined him.

"Every year, I see the damn things go on a discount after Christmas and I think I need more. This year, what I don't use, I'm donating. You need some lights?" the sheriff asked hopefully.

He didn't. Silje loved Christmas and Easter most of all the holidays thanks to the religious aspects. Those days were sacred to her and Colin had boxes of decorations in his attic and garage. "Think I'm pretty well set, but you know, there was that fire out at the Brewster place. That might be a place to start."

"Hey, that's not bad advice."

Lester hooked up an extension cord to an outlet, and they started testing lights. Only half a set was dead, and with a bulb replacement, even that set worked. Lester dug out his ladder, and put it up at a corner of the house.

"So. You and Julie," he said, strapping on a tool belt with an industrial stapler and a big box of extra staples.

"Yeah. I have to tell you, I'm falling pretty hard for her."

"Julie seems fond of you too. My wife thought you two would hit it off when she came back."

Colin smiled. "Karen's a kind woman."

"Best I've ever known, except the one you're dating." Lester reached out for the ladder but didn't start to climb. "You're going to tell her. That's what you're here to let me know, right?"

"Yeah."

Lester nodded and sighed. "Don't know if that's good or bad."

"Me either, but she deserves the truth."

"She does." Lester started climbing.

"I was worried you might think this was a mistake."

"No, son. I think you and Silje were dealt an impossible hand and you played it out as best you could. There were no easy solutions. Still aren't. I think hiding what happened from Julie's probably worse than telling her the truth, but honestly, I don't know that I could, in your shoes. But I don't think you have anything to worry about. Julie's a terrific girl, and I know you're a good man."

"I'd like it to be something more than dating. Eventually."

Lester looked down at him, surprised. "You're talking marriage already?"

"At least what we want from a relationship, yeah."

"Huh. Grab me that strand of colored lights at the corner closest to the front door."

Colin did, and handed it up to the other man. "I'm going to take my time about it. There's no rush. But I wanted to come to you first. Make sure you approved."

Lester chuckled. "Isn't going to make much of a difference if I do or don't. That girl's going to make her own way. But I appreciate it anyways." He looked down at Colin. "You've got it, by the way. If that hasn't been made clear. My blessing."

"Thanks."

"I've been thinking about asking you to apply to the office."

"As a deputy?" Colin asked, surprised.

"Son, they see you hopping out of a marked car, they're going to piss their pants."

Colin laughed at that. "A deputy. Huh."

"Not opposed to the idea?"

"It's an interesting one."

"Well, give it some thought."

* * *

Three days before the Snow Drop, and they ambushed Julie. She came out to the parking lot after her shift, pulling her hood up when she saw them. Six women stood in a crescent at the back of her crossover.

"I've never been mugged by Christmas tin before," Julie said.

Amy giggled. "Some sweets for you, Colin, and your families."

Julie strode forward and gave her a hug. "How are you, Amy?"

"Good. Missing your man. We all are."

Allison chimed in. "Don't worry, though, we're not here to try and win him back or anything. We just wanted to tell you we're glad it's you."

"He's one of the best men we've all known," Maria said. "And when we heard about you yelling at those guys staring at him, we knew we had to come give you our support and our love."

"Well, I wanted to convince you to move so we could horn back in on him," another woman said, and they all chuckled. "Be sweet to him."

"Always," Julie said. They loaded their tins of goodies into her crossover, and one by one gave her a hug. "Thank you. All of you. Without you, I don't know that he would have been brave enough to start this thing with me."

"I think for you, he would have," Amy said, and there was a chorus of agreement.

* * *

Traffic for the Snow Drop overflowed into the residential areas, leaving it impossible to get better parking than their own houses. The pair walked together, and Julie took Colin's gloved hand in hers. He smiled down at her, and she thought there was the faintest hint of something pained to his eyes.

He was distracted ever since Thanksgiving. Julie chalked it up to memories of the holidays, which she totally understood. With Brendan, it wasn't the bad holidays that rang in her mind, but the good ones. Waking up early one Christmas morning with Brendan and running to grab one of her presents to them both, luxuriously warm fleece bottoms. They spent the morning cuddled up in bed, drinking hot cocoa and eating cheap Christmas chocolates her parents sent. There was a Thanksgiving too, one of the best of her life, when they took a week-long vacation to visit his family. That had been Brendan at his most lovable. No tension, no arguments, just a week of good food, good people, and good fun. His family stood with him in solidarity during the divorce proceedings, and that broke Julie's heart. She genuinely missed her in-laws and begrudged them nothing.

In any case, the holidays were a mixed bag for her too, but Julie let herself hope maybe with Colin she could form more good memories.

Cameron drove by on a four-wheeler, a Santa beard and a red stocking cap on. He stopped to give them candy canes from a pouch and a cheerful "ho ho ho" before moving on to do the same with a group of teenagers down the street.

"Was it you our senior year who played Santa in the school play with the elementary kids?" Julie asked Colin.

He brightened. "Yes! I forgot about that. The boots were too small so I wore black shoes and they had the Family and Consumer Sciences kids sew me some really basic big black socks that I wore over the bottom of the pants. Then the shoulders were so tight on the suit I tore it halfway through. I actually bought a Santa suit when I was... ohhh, maybe twenty? Still have it somewhere. Anyways, I played it up for my family and Silje's. It was fun."

"I bet you made a great Santa."

"I hope so. I should have dug that out for today."

"Ooh, what would you say to playing Santa for the patients at the hospital?"

"Hey, yeah! You could be my Mrs. Claus." Colin winced. "Or, you know, an elf or... ah, the Grinch."

"The Grinch, huh?" Julie elbowed him. "I'd love to be your Mrs. Claus."

They looked at each other, the deeper meaning clear, and Colin broke first. "Julie, I..."

Ringing bells behind them. They turned, and there were the "reindeer," a team of horses decked out with red saddle blankets pulling along a sleigh. Another Santa, this one a local rancher, waved and slowed. His back seat was open, and he bellowed, "Ho ho ho! Come ride with Santa!"

Julie turned to Colin, her eyebrow raised. They hurried to the sleigh. Colin held out a hand for Julie to take as she climbed in, and she blushed prettily at the gesture. He followed her in, and clapped Santa's shoulder. "Thanks very much."

"Had to try to convince you two to get off the naaaaauuuughty list," Santa said, and Julie laughed so hard she nearly started crying.

They picked up another couple and Santa took them to the edge of the city park where much of the festival would take place. It extended all the way to Main Street, where more businesses were open later hours. Their first stop was for a bag of free popcorn from the librarian and her assistant in the outermost booth, and they walked arm in arm again as they snacked, Colin looking far more at ease. Like Julie, Colin liked to stop everywhere and sample little things or browse, and she felt infinitely more comfortable.

Word seemed to have gotten out, and Colin didn't get quite the stares he would have just weeks ago. That wasn't to say people didn't whisper, but Julie was free with her glares and in general they were pretty decent to the gentle giant.

Somewhere deep in the pack of vendors, live music started up, a rocking Christmas classic, and Julie bobbed to it, mumbling lyrics around a soft, delightfully chewy sugar cookie. Colin watched her and grinned, and she grinned back. "I missed this so much," she said.

"Me too."

"Have you ever thought about selling her books here?"

The idea made him blink. "You know, I haven't. But that would be a hell of an idea."

"I'm sure everyone would love to know there's something of her out there."

"I think her parents would like that too," Colin said, musing it over. "Next year, I'm going to have to look into it."

"Do up a booth, wear your suit..."

"You could be my sexy pitchwoman if you have the time off."

"And if I didn't, you know my mom would sell with you in a heartbeat."

They spent the better part of two hours browsing and stuffing themselves on free cookies and snacks. Coin bought Julie a painting of a snowman, and she in turn bought him a lovely set of stoneware mugs to replace his old mismatched ones. Mickey and Shannon caught up to them halfway through, and their boys looked up at Colin with some trepidation until Cameron's kids saw him and ran to him to show off their new musical stuffed reindeer. They danced as the toys did, and Colin, without a moment of hesitation, danced with them. That simple moment endeared him to Mickey and Shannon, and soon their kids too.