Selfish Love

Oh, God. I pressed my lips together, certain I was about to puke all over the kitchen.

"She said after that she didn't see her dad for a long time, and that she doesn't see him much now," he continued. "Look, she might not have said anything specific about why you split up, but from the sounds of it--"

"It's none of your business," I said.

"It's a bit of my business," he shot back.

"Excuse me? It is not."

"I give a shit about you, Kels," he said. "So, yeah, it's a little bit of my business because I want you to be safe and, like, happy and shit."

I opened my mouth to respond, but I didn't know what to say. Instead, I picked up my water bottle and took another sip.

"I don't mean like you have to tell me whatever happened," he continued. "Just that whatever it was, I'm on your side. And that I understand why him asking for two weeks with her is upsetting."

I tried to smile. "Thanks. I... sorry."

"Don't be. Sorry that you're dealing with it."

"Did... did she say anything that made it sound like he..." I couldn't finish the sentence, but he knew what I was asking.

"She said she usually has fun but sometimes they have to take breaks from the fun stuff since he gets tired because he's old."

My laugh that time was a bit more genuine. "He's not old. I'm old. He's fucking ancient at this point."

He rolled his eyes. "You're not old."

"I'm practically grandmotherly. Which makes Daniel a dinosaur." I smirked and drank more water, shaking my head. "I'm the same age now as he was when we got married."

He frowned. "How old were you?"

"Nineteen. My dad had to sign a waiver so I could have a glass of champagne to toast with."

"Nine--seriously?!"

His expression was hilarious. I mean, yes, the tension had built up so strongly that anything remotely funny would set me off in hysterics, but I couldn't stop laughing at Jimmy's face.

"Seriously," I finally managed to say.

He shook his head again. "How did you even meet?"

"Through the church," I said. "I was a rebellious teen brought to him for counselling after my parents discovered I pierced my belly button."

"At nineteen?"

"Sixteen."

"Six--" He gaped at me. "What?"

"Sixteen," I repeated. "Don't worry, he patiently waited for me to turn eighteen and worked on getting into my head in the meantime. I was a very well-behaved, soft-spoken young lady by the time my parents handed me off to him after I graduated high school."

I didn't quite know what to call the expression on his face. Horrified, maybe. Disgusted. Sympathetic, borderlining on pity. Whatever it was, I didn't like it.

"It's in the past now, Jimbo," I said boldly. "It took some struggling but now I have a wonderful daughter and I get to make my hair whatever colour I want it. And you can damn well bet I put my belly button piercing back in literally the day after I left him."

"Good," he said. "Belly button rings are hot."

"Careful now. You're going to give this old lady a big head."

"You're not old," he said again.

"Older than you."

He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Can I, like, hug you?"

The request surprised me, but in that delighted, exhilarated sort of way. "You know I love hugs, Jimbo."

"Jimbo," he muttered disdainfully, shaking his head as he crossed the kitchen. I didn't have a chance to respond before he tugged me in close, enveloping me as though he was using his arms to tell me that it was all right, that it would all be okay, that I was going to be okay.

And honestly? They were pretty convincing.

Five

"I said yes."

Em wasn't looking at me. I don't think she could bring herself to. And I understood that, obviously. I mean, she knew her decision was going to change my life as much as hers.

She probably thought I was going to be upset about it.

And I was. I told myself not to be; I stared across the cafe, doing everything I could to push down the selfish little monster inside me that wanted to scream and cry and beg Em not to move in with Alex. They'd been back from vacation for a few days and even though she hadn't said anything up until now, I'd known, and I thought that would make it easier to pretend I was happy for her.

But hearing her say it was harder than I'd thought.

I took a shallow breath, summoning up that other monster, the Stepford monster, the one that knew how to put on a fake smile and nod and be agreeable. The one I'd been controlled by for years and that I wasn't quite sure I'd ever be free of, even after all this time away from Daniel.

"I'm so happy for you," the Stepford monster said.

"Liar," Em replied bluntly.

There was a mother with her son on the other side of the cafe. I didn't know what the occasion was, but the little boy had a cupcake and was eating it with such a pure sense of delight that I almost smiled for real. I focused on them for a moment longer; then, when I was certain I could keep my feelings all wrapped up inside where they belonged, I turned to Em.

"I am," I repeated. "I mean, girl, come on. Of course I'm a little bummed that you're moving across town. But it's going to take a lot more than physical distance for you to get rid of me."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not trying to get rid of you."

"Good, because I'm not going anywhere." I grinned and used my toe to gently nudge her shin under the table. "You're moving in with the love of your life. I'm happy for you. You deserve happiness."

My Stepford monster must have been particularly convincing that day. Either that or Em knew I was faking it and chose to believe me anyway. She stopped fidgeting with her napkin and smiled at me, one of those radiant smiles that almost made losing my best friend worth it.

Alex was good for her. I couldn't deny that. I could question it a little, and I had, more than once. I mean, the entire reason we were at that cafe having coffee was because Leia and Baylee were at the studio helping Mike and Alex with some fundraiser thing. Somehow, Em had gone from the kind of person who was hesitant to even let her daughter learn how to play guitar and who was openly resistant to letting her perform to happily agreeing to let Leia plan some charity concert. I mean, Leia had a fucking YouTube channel these days. She was just a kid, and she already had awards and... I had no idea when Em became okay with that kind of shit.

Like, she was a good person. As a kid, she raised her little brother, and as an adult, she took him in. She was blunt and snarky and hilarious, but she was also kind and thoughtful. But I'd never known her to be the kind of person to do charity work. She didn't have the time for that stuff as a single mom, and it wasn't really her thing. There were more ways to be a good person than to do big, showy events or dedicate all her time to raising money.

Somehow, though, Alex had turned her and Leia into the kind of people that like... planned fundraiser concerts for fun. And that was a change, of course, and it was my job as her best friend to question when she changed her life and personality and heart for a man.

But how in the fuck was I supposed to question a change that had her doing charity work?

Even the monsters inside me couldn't justify it. Even if it meant I was starting to feel like I didn't know who she was. Even if it meant I was expected to help out with chauffeuring Leia and Baylee around a little more like I was that day so Em could do some photo sessions that night for some of the promotional stuff.

"You deserve happiness too, you know," Em said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Of course I do," I replied, taking another sip of coffee. "After putting up with Daniel's all those years, I absolutely deserve a penis. A big one, even."

It came out louder than I intended. The mother across the cafe looked up, alarmed, but her son was still chowing down on the cupcake and hadn't heard my hilariously clever play on words.

Em snorted with laughter. "I said 'happiness.'"

"And what is happiness if not a big, throbbing, hard--"

"You're awful."

I grinned. "You love it."

"I do." She sipped her coffee. "And so will the right guy. Once I'm done moving and things settle down a bit, you and I are going to go out on the town and find you a big throbbing hunk of happiness together. Then we can double date and shit."

I lifted my almost-empty mug to her in agreement. "And shit."

My inner monsters managed to maintain the slightly saucy cheerful humour as Em and I finished our coffees. Once she realized that I was at least pretending to be happy for her, she chattered endlessly about the move in a way that made it very clear she'd been planning to say yes to him for a while.

"I want us to be there for Christmas," she said. "After the fundraiser, though. I can't plan a move and deal with that all at the same time. Probably at the beginning of December since it'll be that nice lull between people going 'oh shit, I need to order photos for Christmas cards' and 'oh shit, we didn't take a nice family portrait this year.' But that'll still give us enough time to settle in and for it to, you know, feel like home for Leia. And then Christmas will really make it feel like home, I think."

"Mm-hmm," I said.

"The girls can bunk together in Leia's room, but Alex has a guest room so you can stay over Christmas Eve. Then Jimmy can drive over in the morning since he's closer."

I looked up, surprised. "We're still invited to Christmas?"

Em stared at me, not bothering to hide the disbelief in her dark eyes. "Of course you are. Why, do you not want--"

"I do," I said quickly. "We do, of course we do. The way you said you wanted it to feel like home, I thought maybe it was a family-only thing."

"It is," she said. "And you're part of my family, so you better fucking be there."

The monsters were quiet, leaving me to fight back those weepy emotions all on my own. "I'll be there no matter what."

We'd driven to the cafe separately so Em could go to her photo session while I drove back to the studio to pick up the girls after their planning session with Mike. It was nice, since I had a few minutes to feel cautiously cheerful after my chat with Em. I mean, it all still sucked, but we were going to make it work. We weren't family, but we were family.

It left me feeling pretty good, to be honest. But that all changed when I walked into the studio.

Here's the thing about Leia.

She was a great kid. A really great kid. People loved her. Adults loved her, kids loved her, even the grumpiest grumpy fuck in the world--a.k.a. Mike--loved her. She might not have a father, but she had an abundance of male role models in her life. Alex was one, of course. He had been her guitar teacher, but he was also very much her father figure, even in the short amount of time since he and Em had gotten together. I guess that role becomes less complex when there's no one in it to oust in the first place, but he'd slipped into it so easily and smoothly that his role in Leia's life was unquestionable.

Then there was Jimmy, the fun uncle, the man who got to spoil her rotten and treat her like a princess and set the standard of what she should expect to be treated like by a man when she was older. He was a teacher too, in a way: he was there to show her how to make mistakes and how to fix them. How to have fun and go on adventures and live life in a way that meant something.

Lastly, at least for the men in the room at that moment, was Mike. The grandpa figure. The curmudgeon who had a soft spot for Leia's particular brand of zest and excitement and doted on her relentlessly. Which was great for Leia, I'm sure, since Mike was a good person to have on your side, what with all the connections and apparent badassery.

But it sucked for Baylee.

Granted, it wasn't solely Mike's fault that I walked in to see the three men showering attention on Leia while my daughter sat in an office chair. All of them were at fault for not seeing her expression as she sat there. Baylee wasn't the type of child to hide her feelings; she didn't seem to have an inside voice, and neither did her face.

She watched longingly as Alex laughed, showing Leia how to do something or the other on a small guitar. Mike sat nearby looking pleased as punch, a stack of posters abandoned on a nearby desk as he leaned forward to scold Alex jokingly. Jokingly. The old bastard was laughing about something. Jimmy was grinning, too, watching as Leia giddily strummed, then squealed.

On top of that longing was jealousy, though I recognized the way she was trying to cover that up. There was sadness, and loneliness, and a sense of exhaustion, the kind that someone gets after they've tried and tried and finally given up. And beneath it all, confusion, and not the kind I could explain away.

My little girl sat there, hurt and dejected, wondering why she was the sidekick in her own life, wondering what her best friend had that set her apart and made her more remarkable, more lovable, more worthy of attention than she was.

And that pissed me off.

"Hi, sweetie," I said loudly, interrupting whatever it was they were doing.

Baylee perked up, relief washing across her face. "Mom!"

"Kelsie!" Leia said happily. "Look what Mr. Mike got me! He got it special made!"

A new fucking guitar made just for her.

"Hey, Kelsie," Alex said. "We'll be done in a few minutes."

"I don't have a few minutes," I said.

I thought I said it politely, but my face didn't seem to have an inside voice, either. Jimmy glanced from me to Baylee with a look of concern. Alex looked stunned, and Mike's brow furrowed as his face sagged back into its usual irritable state.

"Baylee, Leia, let's go," I said.

"I'll, uh, go get the case." Alex gently took the guitar Leia was clutching. "Back in a sec, honey."

"My backpack's in Mr. Mike's office," Baylee said quietly.

"I'll go with you to get it," Leia volunteered, sliding off the stool she'd been sitting on.

"Just as well," Mike said as the girls left. "Had to talk to you anyway. Called in a few favours and managed to track down some Taylor Swift tickets. They're pretty decent seats."

"Wonderful," I said stiffly. "How much do I owe you?"

"Don't worry about--"

"I'd prefer to pay. How much are they?"

I wish I could have blamed that stupid, stupid statement on one of my inner monsters, but it wasn't them. I was the proud one, the one who was angry and frustrated with the man sitting in front of me, the one who had it in her head that she didn't want to be indebted to the grouchy old fuck. Selfishly, I wanted to take credit for the gift. I had it in my head that I was proving a point, though I had no idea who I was proving it to. Myself, maybe. Daniel. Mike.

It didn't matter. Mike hesitated, then shrugged, and told me a number that nearly made me sick.

"Sounds great," I said instead of vomiting all over him. "Is it okay if I pay that a bit closer to Christmas?"

"Yep," Mike said gruffly. "Whenever's convenient for ya. I'll give Em the actual tickets so you can wrap 'em up for the kid or whatever."

At least I had that much. It gave me some wiggle room, some time to... well. Daniel wasn't an option, so that meant taking extra shifts at work. I started doing the math in my head. I was sure Em would babysit and I could tell her that I needed to help out at work a bit more since we were ramping up for the holidays. And then there were the Saturdays that Baylee would be with Daniel. Working six days a week for a while wasn't that bad. I might be able to swing it. I mean, just barely, but it was theoretically doable. And that meant I didn't have to admit my failings to Daniel or Mike.

The only thing was that Em would probably wonder why I was working more, which meant the selfish, proud little monster inside of me would be forced to admit it was too expensive. And Em would be understanding, but that meant she might tell Alex, who might tell Mike, who... well. I just couldn't tell Em. I would tell her that we were short staffed. That I was doing my boss a favour.

I hated to lie to her, but I would think of something.

Lini poked her head in the room a moment later to tell Mike about a problem in one of the studios. Sighing, he stood and grumped his way out of the room, leaving Jimmy standing there staring at me.

"Don't," I asked as he opened his mouth.

"Don't what?"

"Don't ask me what's wrong." I folded my arms. "I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Me?" He looked surprised. "What did I do?"

I shook my head silently. Jimmy waited, then folded his arms in return.

"Seriously? You're gonna act all pissed about something and not even tell me what I did?"

"Yep."

A hint of anger escaped in the form of a dry laugh. "Didn't think you were the type to pull that shit."

"Didn't think you were the type to make my daughter feel like shit, but here we are."

"What?"

The stunned look on his face was so disgustingly ignorant that despite saying I didn't want to talk to him, I couldn't stop myself.

"A new guitar," I snapped.

"Uh... yeah," he said. "Mike got it custom made by--"

"He got her a new fucking guitar and gave it to her in front of my kid. Leia got a new guitar and Baylee got ignored."

"That's not--"

"That's exactly what happened." I glared at him, my heart hammering in my chest. "The three of you didn't even notice her sitting there, did you? Baylee never shuts up. You know that. Other than me and Em, you're the adult who's probably spent the most time with her. She talks constantly. She smiles constantly. She--"

My voice caught and I swallowed, tearing my eyes away from him before I started crying.

"I walk in here to see three grown-ass men doting on Leia while my daughter sat quietly to the side, so fucking upset that she was completely silent. You know how often that happens? And not one of you thought to check on her? Not one of you thought 'Hey, maybe spoiling one little girl in front of the other little girl is unfair'?"

I'd never seen Jimmy look quite so stricken or quite so ashamed. "I'm sorry. I didn't think--"

"I don't want to hear it." I tried to swallow back the words, but now that I was talking, everything seemed to pour out at once, and I was stuck desperately trying to assign my anger to something. Apparently, that something was Mike. "Every time I bring her here, Mike acts like it's some goddamn miserable obligation to even treat her like she's human. She's just a kid. She's not Leia, but she's a kid. I don't know why you all act like he's King Shit of Turd Island, but I've never once seen anything from him that makes me think he's deserving of that kind of idolization."

"He might seem kinda... you know. But he does a lot of, like, charity work and shit. He's a good guy," Jimmy said.

"Oh, sure." I rolled my eyes. "He's such a good guy. He makes up for the way he treats my kid by, what, making everyone else around him plan this stupid fucking concert? Pretending like he's so good because of all these charities he supports?"

"Kels, come on. Don't be like this."

"I'm the one who has to go home now and try to make my daughter understand that she's just as special and just as talented and just as good as Leia because the three of you spent the afternoon tearing that away from her without even thinking about it." A tear spilled down my cheek. "Like I get it, she's your niece and Mike's stand-in granddaughter, and she and Em are moving in with Alex so he's basically her fucking dad now, but that doesn't mean Baylee deserves to be treated as 'less than.' Is being considerate of her feelings too much to ask?"

He frowned. "Wait, Em's moving in with Alex?"

I didn't know that Jimmy still didn't know. Even still, I hadn't meant to let that slip. But before I could respond, Alex chose that moment to return. Jimmy looked at him, then back at me.