Selfish Love

"--doing a damn good job of being a responsible, slightly disrespectable adult, since being respectable is completely overrated," I interrupted, looking pointedly at Em as I attempted to put an arm around Jimmy's shoulder. He was too tall, though, so I settled for resting my hand on him instead. "And Em's doing the 'typical mom' thing with worrying about leaving her baby for an extended period of time, but she's going to remember that it takes a village to raise a child, and me and Jimbo here are part of her village."

"Jimbo?" he repeated, his voice twisted with a strange mix of repulsion, shock, and laughter.

Em snorted back a laugh. "It suits you."

"It does not!"

"Sure it does." She picked up a shirt she'd discarded on the bed and began folding it. "You're part of my village, remember? You can be the village idiot."

"Oh, fuck off," Jimmy groaned as I dissolved into laughter. "If I'm the village idiot, what does that make her?"

"Town bicycle," I said before Em could reply.

Jimmy couldn't stop himself from laughing that time and Em rolled her eyes.

"Leaving my kid with the village idiot and town bicycle seems questionable," she muttered.

"You've left her with us before," he said. "Kelsie and I have this down, Em."

"We make a great team," I added.

He nodded. "You need this vacation. Let Alex spoil you a little and stop worrying."

Em took a long look at her brother, then at me, then sighed.

"Okay," she said. "You're right. Just... you know I'm gonna want to talk to her like, three times a day."

"How?" I asked. "I have a feeling Alex is going to make sure you spend a lot of time with your mouth full."

She tried calling the whole thing off again, but Jimmy and I were laughing too hard to pay any attention to it.

Two

True to her word, Em called an average of three times a day.

True to my word and Jimmy's word, Leia was completely fine.

While Em may not have been away on a tropical vacation before, there were times that Jimmy and I had taken care of the girls before. She was a photographer, which meant she occasionally had photo shoots or events scheduled at weird times. And, like me, she sometimes got sick of being around her kid. It happens.

Either way, it meant that Jimmy and I had a system in place, though it was the first time we were testing it out for such a long stretch.

I was lucky enough to have a job working for an amazing boss who sort of let me make my own schedule. It was the stupidest job: I worked in the warehouse of a specialty candle company, which meant my job was literally packaging up these stupid bougie candles and sending them to stupid bougie stores or stupid bougie customers. Day after day, I put glass-encased pillars of scented wax into cardboard boxes and lovingly tucked bubble wrap and packing peanuts around them so that somewhere, some rich lady who would be aghast at my colourful hair and multitude of piercings could unwrap it and display it in her bougie living room or bougie bedroom or bougie shitter.

At least my boss was nice and super easy going.

"I don't care if you're here at one in the morning or if you want to work split shifts every day," she'd told me. "So long as the orders are processed in forty-eight hours, you do what you need to do."

On top of that, if I needed to make a little extra cash here or there, she was cool with me taking some shifts on the production line so I could get some overtime. It was a great job, stupid bougie products aside.

Normally, I started around seven. I'd package up Baylee's lunch and schoolbag, bring my sleepyheaded daughter across the street to Em's, and she'd take care of morning dropoff. Then when school let out, I'd pick up the girls, since Em's clients usually wanted photos done in the evening. Easy peasy.

With Jimmy, though, that didn't work. He worked at Afterglow Records, Alex's studio, and he generally worked in the evening. So while Em was gone, I took care of the morning drop-off before going to work, and he picked the girls up after school and brought them to the studio to hang out until I picked them up. It worked out in my favour: Alex being gone meant Leia wasn't getting her usually scheduled guitar lessons, and since she had Mike, the crudgey old bastard who co-owned the studio, wrapped around her little finger, she could get some of her musical inclinations out of her system with Jimmy while she was there.

Some. Not all. She and Baylee made sure that there was a brand-new concert for me to begrudgingly listen to each and every day I was watching them.

It was the fourth day of Em and Alex's trip when everything changed.

I'd had to work a bit late, so I had just parked at the studio when Em's second call of the day came through. Rolling my eyes, I answered it as I got out of the car.

"She's fine," I said.

"I know she's fine," Em replied, staticky sounds of relaxed beachgoers in the background.

I used my hip to slam the car door shut. "Then why are you calling instead of sucking Alex's dick?"

"I need to talk to you."

The lack of snarky response to my comment paired with the serious tone of her voice gave me pause, and I frowned as I leaned against my car. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's... wrong," she said. "I just... Alex asked me something and--"

My heart jumped into my throat. "That fucker! He proposed?"

"Oh, God no," she said hurriedly. "And I would've said no if he had."

I let out a heavy sigh. "Oh, thank God."

She laughed. "On Alex's behalf, ouch."

"Em. Out with it. Why are you calling?"

Another long moment of silence passed before she cleared her throat.

"He... he wants me and Leia to move in with him."

The parking lot of the studio wasn't an especially loud place, but the world around me went quiet all the same.

"Move?" I repeated. "But you... I mean, he pretty much lives with you already, doesn't he?"

She sighed. "Yeah. But it's... I mean, it might be nice to have the extra space, you know? And like, it would be nice to live in a place a little more updated, you know?"

Updated. As in, not the shitty old houses we lived in.

"With more room for Leia to play in the yard. And a... you know, a safer neighbourhood."

Safer. As in, not the shitty neighbourhood we lived in.

"I mean, Leia wouldn't switch schools, of course. But she'd be able to have a bigger room and Alex said we could convert the basement into a photo studio so I could expand my business."

"Right."

"Kels?" she asked after a moment. "What do you think?"

What did I think?

My heart had dropped out of my throat, leaving a trail of nausea behind as it fell further and further down into my stomach. Here was my best friend, calling me from miles and miles away to ask my opinion on her moving in with her boyfriend. Which, like... fair. It made sense. I mean, we were best friends, and best friends are supposed to give advice in situations like this.

But we were best friends who also relied on each other. Heavily. And Alex had to know that. I mean, he had to know that Em and I had built our lives and schedules around each other because for a long time, it was just the two of us. We didn't have other friends. We didn't have partners. We had each other. He knew damn well what he would be doing to me if Em moved away. And that was probably why he'd decided to ask her while they were on the other side of the continent.

So what did I think?

I thought Alex was a complete shitbag for using me to plot this whole thing knowing damn well he was about to fuck me over.

I wanted to tell all of that to Em. I wanted to tell her I was standing in the parking lot of her boyfriend's studio, covered in dust and sweat with the scent of a thousand essential oil candles permeating my freshly-dyed pink hair, about to pick up her daughter that I was babysitting so she could have a luxury vacation. That I'd made tons of changes to take care of Leia. That I absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent did not want her to move in with Alex because that meant my life was going to get harder.

But I couldn't make it about me.

"I'm so happy for you," I managed to say. "Y-You should do it."

"Wha... seriously?" she said.

"Of course." My throat felt tight. Blinking rapidly, I stared up at the greyish fluff that made up the sky above me. "You love Alex and he loves you. And it makes sense, you know? You're hot enough to be a trophy wife so you might as well get used to the finer things, starting with a nicer house."

"Oh, shut up," she scoffed. "I'm not a trophy wife."

"Not yet." I laughed, but it sounded more like a cough. "But you can start practicing now."

"Okay, no. But seriously." She sighed. "Like, we do everything together. This is gonna affect you just as much as it affects me."

"Not really. I mean, one of us is going to end up sucking a lot more dick and it's probably not going to be me, so--"

"You're awful."

"You love it," I said. "So when do you think you'll move? Like, soon, or...?"

"I'm not sure," she said. "I wanted to talk to you. I haven't decided yet."

"I think you have," I said. "I think you're going to move in with him. Which is great, Em. Like, so great. You'll have to give me a head's up once you decide when so I can take advantage of my across-the-street babysitter and bring home a couple of booty calls before you go."

She laughed. "Oh, sure. Because you bring home so many booty calls."

"You're right. I usually end up at their place. I mean, it's harder for them to sneak out in the morning when they keep stepping on Baylee's Barbie shoes. That shit is worse than Lego."

We talked for another few minutes and I repeated my stance on her moving in with Alex, which was that I thought she should absolutely do it even though I secretly thought she absolutely shouldn't do it.

"Even though it's going to... like, what about school drop off and stuff?"

"I'll make it work," I said. "Girl, I don't want you to stop yourself from moving forward just because of what I need." Even though that was exactly what I wanted. "This is the next logical step for you and Alex. We'll make things work."

There was a long pause, then she sighed. "All right. You promise you're okay with this?"

"Yep," I lied.

"Okay. Do me a favour and don't tell Jimmy yet, please?"

Once we hung up, I took a deep breath and let it out, then wiped my hands beneath my eyes. When I was certain I could hide my heartbreak, I walked through the still too-quiet parking lot to the studio and pulled the door open.

Noise poured out the moment I opened the door. The bustling sounds of chattering and singing and laughter burst forward and tugged me in, as welcoming as they were alienating. I paused just inside the door, glancing around the lobby. Normally, Jimmy was waiting up front with the girls, but I was now later than I'd even anticipated and he'd obviously taken them elsewhere to wait. Across the lobby, the office manager--a churchy woman named Lini who was surprisingly cool with the rock n' roll types that frequented the studio--poked her head out.

"Hi, Ms. Bauer," she called. "Here for the girls?"

"You can call me Kelsie, Lini," I said for the thousandth time, though I forced my tone to be bright and cheery. "And yep, it's my turn to be on Baylee and Leia duty."

She smiled and motioned for me to follow her. "I've been informed I'm not supposed to tell you that they're working on a little surprise for you."

Oh, good. Just what I needed. More surprises.

I kept my smile on and followed Lini towards the office area, where I could hear the muffled sound of music and the shrill laughter of my girl giggling with her best friend.

"So how was your day, Kelsie?" Lini enunciated loudly, and the music and giggling was swapped for the obvious rustle of two girls hushing each other.

"Oh, not so bad," I replied just as loudly. "How about yours?"

She pressed her lips together, though I wasn't sure if she was holding in a laugh or resigning herself to her next line. "Well, it happened to be one of those days where things were a little difficult. But you know, sometimes that happens, and--" She stopped and placed her hand on the knob of a closed office door, tilting her head to indicate I should stand in front of it. "--you need to, um, shake it off."

And with that, she pushed the door open, I had a half-second glimpse of Mike sitting awkwardly behind his desk, and then two bursting balls of energy jumped into my line of sight.

"Hit it, Uncle Jimmy!" shouted Leia.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Jimmy sigh as he pressed a button, causing the dulcet tones of one Miss Taylor Swift to start playing as Baylee and Leia broke out into a shakily rehearsed dance routine.

My fake smile broke just slightly; a real one crept out, something that was partly touched at the joyous way my daughter was jumping around the room and partly giddy for the day she realized what a cringey kid she was.

I leaned against the doorframe as I watched, Baylee's blonde hair bouncing as she belted out lyrics, round cheeks flushed pink as she did her best to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off. There was a harrowing moment where she bumped into Mike's desk and the hula girl that sat there teetered precariously, but Jimmy lurched forward before the look of grumpy indignation even crossed Mike's grumpy face.

"Wow," I said as they finished and struck a pose, little lungs gasping for breath after they danced their hearts out. "Great job, ladies. That must have taken a long time to put together. I didn't think I was that late picking you up!"

"You were late?" Leia said.

"They've been working on that all afternoon for you," Jimmy said.

Their sweetness made my heart swell for all of a second before I caught the pleading look on Baylee's face.

"Aw, out of the goodness of your hearts? That's so considerate and thoughtful!" I said.

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought Mike had chuckled, but he was a grumpy old fuck so I figured I must have been hallucinating.

"Um, well, sort of," Leia said. "But also, we wanted to tell you that--"

"Mom, Ms. Lini told us that Taylor Swift is gonna do a concert here and Mr. Mike said that he thought he might be able to get tickets for us!" Baylee shrieked.

There it was.

"Oh, wow," I said, cringing internally at the fake brightness of my tone. "Well, that's pretty exciting!"

"I said maybe," Mike grumped grumpily in a grumpy growl. "I need to make some calls. Swift tickets ain't the easiest to come by."

"You don't say," I said flatly.

Mike raised an eyebrow at me, but I didn't say anything else. I mean, sure, it's not like he knew that I already knew about the Taylor Swift concert and had tried to get tickets for Baylee's Christmas present, only to realize I could barely afford the seats up in the nosebleeds even if they hadn't already been sold out when I tried to get them. And it wasn't Lini's fault she didn't know that Em and I had agreed to hide the knowledge of the concert from our girls so we wouldn't have to go to the concert, though Em's reasoning was more that she didn't like Taylor Swift. I mean, she was fucking Alex, so it wasn't like she couldn't afford the tickets.

So it might not have been malicious on anyone's part, but that didn't mean I was particularly pleased about it.

"Not sure how many tickets I'll be able to find even if I do," Mike said carefully, and I heard the words he actually meant: Leia was the priority.

"You can find four though, right?" Leia said, looking up at Mike with her big, hypno-entrancing gaze. "For me and Baylee and Mom and Kelsie?"

"I, uh, well--" Mike stuttered, then sighed. "Yeah, kid, of course. I can find four." He looked at me grouchily. "Might not be floor seats or anything, but I can probably swing something near the stage or maybe a box. You got a price point you don't want to go past?"

Fuck.

The answer to that was yes, I didn't want to go past the price of the cheapest available seats because even those had been almost out of reach for me. I didn't want to even consider seats that were near the stage or in a fucking box or something. I could pick up a couple of extra shifts to cover the cost of the cheaper tickets, but box seats? That would require calling Daniel.

And was it worth calling Daniel for something like this? He'd pay without question, I knew that, but he wouldn't pay without demand.

Baylee looked up at me, her eyes wide. I met my daughter's gaze, familiar eyes that were so innocent and hopeful and excited. She'd be disappointed, but she'd survive; she'd understand, one day. I swallowed hard, decided on the cost I was willing to pay, then turned to Mike. One bushy eyebrow flicked up as he sat behind his desk with a judgmental grimace on his grouchy old face.

"Nope," I said. "Just let me know how much."

Baylee and Leia both squealed, throwing their arms around each other before they bounded behind the desk. Mike looked distinctly uncomfortable as both girls hugged him.

The price of that look of discomfort wasn't worth it, not when I had blurted something out of pride that would likely cost not only a call to the person I hated more than anyone else in the world, but also whatever that person deemed reasonable to ask for in return. But it did help me feel a little better.

"Well, girls," I said before they could break into another Taylor Swift song. "We should head home for dinner so Jimmy can get back to work. Where are your backpacks?"

They said goodbye to Mike and Lini, then raced out of the room to grab their things from the breakroom. I nodded politely at Mike.

"Thanks," I said.

"Don't mention it," he grumbled.

I bit back a snarky response and went after the girls.

"Kels," Jimmy said, following me out of the office.

"Hmm?" I asked, not looking at him.

"You okay?"

"Yep."

The feel of a hand closing on my arm surprised me and I turned, almost shocked to see the concern on Jimmy's face.

"You're not," he said.

"Everything's fine."

"You look like you've been crying. Your eyes are all red."

A sharp laugh escaped my lips. "Yeesh. Someone needs to give you some lessons on talking to women, Jimbo. Does this uniform make my ass look fat, too?"

His mouth twitched, though I wasn't sure if it was with laughter or annoyance. "That uniform makes your fat ass look fantastic, but even though women with fat asses are hot as fuck, that's not important right now. What's going on?"

My mouth dropped open. The dark, pouty look on Jimmy's face faltered, the skin on his cheeks turning a muted shade of red as he tried to gauge my reaction to his... I didn't even know what to call that. Compliment? Backhanded compliment? Pickup line? Admission that he liked fat asses?

Potential admission that he liked my fat ass?

Whatever it was, I froze, and he let go of my arm.

"Kels, I'm sor--"

"Everything's fine," I interrupted. "I'm fine. I just need to... I... work was hard today. I was thinking I... I might have to do some extra shifts, but you know what, that all works out because I have a little extra for Christmas." I laughed, hating the sound. "Thank you for asking. And for keeping the girls a bit later than you thought. I appreciate it."

"No problem," he said. "When, uh... when do you have to do the extra shifts? 'Cause if you want me to watch the girls, I just need to know--"

"I'm not sure," I said. "I... I guess I can wait until Em's back."

"I can watch them this weekend if you need me to," he said. "I'm not working Saturday. I could even come watch them at your place. Maybe take Pepper out for a walk or something."

I tried to smile. "I work in the mornings, Jimbo. Pretty sure you don't want to be at my place at like, eight a.m."