Out Of The Shadows Ch. 05

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5

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Rob

When I first started to work undercover I loved it. I got to be a cop but play the bad boy and it appealed to the side of me that didn't like rules and regulation. Ever since I started training it was what I wanted, and little jobs soon turned into longer periods and harder work. The one thing I had never expected was how the longer it went on the more I lost myself.

I thought I would end up leading two lives, but in fact that was too dangerous, and it became impossible for me to be anything other than whichever dubious character I was at that time. Between assignments I found it hard to remember who I really was. I didn't have friends, and I certainly didn't have lovers. When I was off duty totally I had chances for sex, and I took them, but aside from one brief relationship formed while I was still a cop on the beat I didn't have any experience there either.

No-one could have waited at home for me for weeks or months on end, no contact from me, whether they were a friend or a lot more, and it didn't bother me that much. I was doing something so worthwhile and in many ways the danger made up for the lack of other excitement in my life. It didn't seem like much of a sacrifice, I had outlets when I had the itch, and I got very used to my hand and using porn.

There was one thing that made it even more difficult, knowing that I was gay and needed a male body against mine. It meant I had to be even more cautious about any liaisons because it would be worse if I got caught out by those I was supposed to be investigating. If I'd been shagging every woman I saw it would have been a lot easier, but I couldn't get it up without the sight of a tight male body.

I was involved in the biggest job of my career so far, and the most dangerous. Weeks turned into months and then years, still gathering what information I could while I worked my way up through the ranks of a seriously worrying gang. They were into pretty much every criminal act that could make them money, and thought nothing of permanently silencing anyone who tried to stand up to them. They were also clever enough not to get caught, or at least the ringleaders, three brothers, were that clever. Getting promotion often depended on other gang members getting locked up for a while, and it was easy to get demoted again if and when they returned. Loyalty was key.

I had to earn it, and it was hard, especially when I did have some rules about how far I could go. My cover and faked prison record only got me so far, I had to prove myself useful and reliable to gain trust, and at the same time I had to gather every bit of information I heard or saw, everything I did. I lived, ate and slept the hard guy I was supposed to be, and apart from my rare conversations with the Chief I barely saw anyone decent.

Just once in a while I wanted to remember me; do something that I would be doing if I lived some kind of normal life. My days of clubbing were in my youth, but very rarely I took a moment to see that life again. I was probably a little old for that type of place anyway, but it was the only time I saw men in real life and could just look, even if touching had become a distant memory.

I couldn't recall why I had felt the need to go to that club that night, but I could still feel how I did when I sat in the dark unable to leave or to join in, saddened by the sudden realisation I could choose either the job I loved or a chance at not being alone.

Hot on the heels of that revelation I was dragged out of bed on one of the rare occasions I let my mind run off with the idea of having sex with someone I loved and had my cock in hand at the thought. Early morning wake up call by uniform and hauled down to the station- it was not going to be a good day.

Looking back I'm still not sure it was. I mean, I got to meet Alex, but that moment was just the start of me being more confused than I had ever been in my life. I'd barely thought about sex for months, too involved in work, but after one look at my cute solicitor it was almost all I could think about. So pretty, not too young but slim and boyish frame. I could just imagine the fine muscles that would be under that suit, and how I would like to trail my tongue over them on my way down to suck his cock.

It took a moment for me to remember anything about who I was or what was going on, I was just taken with his nervous smile. Worse still, when I did remember the important information I realised I had to make him pretty sure I thought very little of him, when what I actually wanted to do was take possession of those soft lips and make his dark eyes even darker with passion.

Fuck! He looked kind of scared, so I couldn't have been too obvious checking him out and I told him to sit down and shut up. I was distracted by him and when he sat next to me I almost thought I could hear his heart beat and each slightly panted breath, feel the warmth from his body, smell not only his aftershave but something that was uniquely him and made me yearn to touch and taste.

It was stupid to have him there when I spoke to the Chief, but I needed him to know I was a good guy. It was equally stupid to get him to drive me home and torment me with his closeness when it was something I could never have, especially when I used the opportunity to look him over and cement my obsession. It was downright idiotic and dangerous to go to him after the flat was trashed. I knew it meant I was no longer trusted and I had to get to safety with what I had.

I had no idea, looking back, whether my decision to go to Alex had been driven by even a single moment of rationality, of if it was solely the choice of my heart. My body and mind were telling me I had to go to Alex and needed to see him again as crazy as that was, and I didn't think through the details. The worst moment of my life to date was hearing the beating Alex got. I'd even seen a little bit of it, after they had him on the floor, kicking at the unmoving body.

I'd nearly been sick, tears were falling silently as I stood unable to help a man I knew, somehow, I was already in love with. The urge to protect my mate was so strong I had to picture myself with the gun pointing at my head the moment I came downstairs and how the last thing I would see in this world would be the gun moving to point to Alex. The sound of sirens had never been so welcome.

That was the point I should have left. Or maybe once we got to the hospital and I knew Alex would be safe, or at least before he woke up, but somehow I couldn't leave his side. I lied to the staff and almost as the words 'he's my partner, my boyfriend' left my mouth I physically ached that I couldn't have that be true. I was fighting my feelings so hard I almost managed to convince myself there was some danger that only I could protect him from.

I was sunk the moment he opened his eyes and smiled at the sound of my voice, so gorgeous despite the bruising and swelling. The dream only died on the sight of his face when the nurse mentioned his boyfriend and his reaction to my explanation. No hope he was interested, he wouldn't look like I'd just scared him. And yet, I took him away with me anyway, still not willing to let it all fade, I just needed a little longer with him, and I knew I was kidding myself that it would be enough.

It was torture too, being a friend to him when I felt so guilty about not stopping the beating and what I wanted to do with him even though I'd got him hurt and into danger. He was grateful, which made it worse. Almost the first thing I had to do was help him dress, and my hands on his soft skin caused me a mixture of pleasure and torment. Kneeling before him didn't help either, when I knew there was only a thin hospital gown between his dick and my mouth.

I wondered if I had really done this for his protection, my desire, or just to torment myself with something I couldn't have. Torment seemed to be winning out by the time we got to the hotel on the first night on the run. Once or twice I could have sworn he was reacting to me in the way I would like -- when he saw me with no shirt on, when I leaned across him to put his seatbelt on, when he flashed his naked backside at me, but it was almost certainly only my own desires. It didn't stop me having to beat off in the hotel bathroom before I could sleep though, the idea of him totally naked in the bed right next to mine was too much for me to stop my dick from rising.

The next morning I wanted to do something for him and running a bath to soothe his aching muscles and bruises was the only thing I could. Caring for him was about all I could let myself get into right now, and I didn't want to think beyond his immediate needs, but when he admitted he was hard I had to force myself to turn my back because I would have loved to see it. He terrified me when I couldn't find him after my shower and I hated having to scare him into staying with me but I didn't need to exaggerate how much the gang would love to kill me.

It was amusing in the car when he started to question me, and I wished I could tell him everything but I knew that wasn't wise. I wished I could show him the real me, even as I realised that I wasn't sure what or who that was any more. Then he dropped the bombshell that he'd seen me in the club. I had to check that he'd actually been inside the club, because that meant I had to revise a lot of my assumptions about him. Then he got so excited about having come out to me, the first person he had told, and I just felt awful. He was telling me because he trusted me, and all I wanted was to strip him naked and fuck him with no thought for the consequences.

I knew in that moment that I could never have him, never let him see what I felt. He was so beautiful, so innocent, and all I could give him was a few nights of sex before I had to leave. If I could no longer remember who I used to be, I knew for certain that whoever I was, I wanted him, and I wished I could be normal and offer him everything he deserved and everything I wanted. He might not want it too, but my body was yearning for it, for him.

I needed to pull over and get away from him for a few minutes to collect my thoughts, although I had managed to start talking to him again. My initial shock over him being gay and so happy to tell me and then at my realisation wore off, and I needed some fresh air for just a few moments. It might have worked too, if I hadn't managed to decide to go to the toilets at the same time as some desperate cocksucker.

I was so involved with my thoughts I didn't even notice the guy checking my dick out at the urinals for a moment. I gave him a look that radiated disapproval, but he didn't seem to care and was probably drunk, so he started begging me to let him suck it. For one brief moment I actually considered it on the basis that it might distract me from thoughts of Alex, but realistically right now only him sucking me would do, and I knew that wasn't going to happen.

In the middle of the debate that followed I tried to stay calm as the guy tried everything from charm to desperation, and then Alex walked in. I tensed, scared that he would think I was trying to pick the guy up, and then more worried when he started to talk about Alex as though he was mine. The worse part of that was my possessive and protective instincts were rising up as if he was.

"So that explains it. Guess if I had someone that cute to suck me I wouldn't look twice at an old man. I guarantee I can do it better than your boytoy though."

I hated hearing that word describing Alex, and I knew I made that clear before I replied.

"He is not my boytoy."

The guy started laughing. "Must be love. How about we see if he fancies my offer more than you did?"

I couldn't help myself from getting angry then. There was no way my beautiful and pure Alex was getting sucked off by a man nearly twice his age in a public toilet, and I was mad that he had even suggested it, so I made that perfectly clear.

"Touch him and I will break your arm."

The guy ran, scared as I would hoped he would be. It was only as I looked back at Alex and saw the fear on his face that I realised what I had done. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, trying to smile and reassure him that I was not that guy, the one I had needed to be for so long.

After that moment things became even worse. Alex relaxed immediately, seeing me calm, but I was overcome with lust, especially after my possessive moment earlier. It didn't matter to my libido that it would be a very bad idea to do anything with him. For the first time in years I wondered if I was finding myself again, but I was scared that the person I found would be one who took advantage of someone so sweet, while hoping I was really the guy who would put what Alex needed first and not just use him for a bit of fun.

Having him in my family home, that showed a trust and closeness I wouldn't let myself examine too much. This was my place to escape from the world, and I wanted him there with me. I felt safer as soon as the door was closed, smelling the familiar scent overlaid with a little must. It would air quickly being lived in, but had spent too many months shut up. I idly wondered how long it had been since I had been able to get away and realised it was nearly two years.

I thought I felt Alex watching me as I moved around the house, putting things away and showing him around but I put that thought to one side. From the sounds of things I might well be the first gay man he'd actually talked to, and I doubted even if he felt any attraction that he'd know what to do about it. I remembered how horrified he looked in the hospital when he heard that I'd declared he was my boyfriend, and decided I didn't need to worry about that anyway. At least that would mean he didn't test my resolve.

* * * * * *

I was wrong. I was sorely tested over the days that followed, seeing him every day, being with him almost every moment apart from when we were in bed. Even then I was acutely aware that he was just across the tiny landing and I wanted to go to him so badly. His presence did things to my body every time and I was permanently horny.

The clothes he wore, his every movement, seemed designed to tempt and tease but I knew that was largely because I wanted him. I got to know him better and it didn't help, beyond make me sure that he needed what I could never offer, a committed relationship. If I led a normal life I would have given him that in a heartbeat. To wake up every day with him in my arms would be a dream come true.

My emotions wavered between lust and guilt. I felt guilty for the way I felt about him and for what I had already done to his life. He'd had it all so simple and straightforward, something I had not known for years, and I had got him hurt and taken him away, and both of those were for my own perverse reasons. I should have left him alone in the first place and none of the bad would ever have happened. I couldn't even give him some good to make up for it.

There were plenty of awkward moments too, when I thought he saw me looking at him when I couldn't help the thoughts running through my head, or our eyes met and I saw something in his gaze that looked like lust, maybe even something more than that. I didn't give in though, I was not going to add taking advantage of him to the list of ways I had ruined his life. I guess it was inevitable that the tension would come to a head, but I didn't think it would be me making that happen. I was sure I had control.

* * * * * *

It was too tense over dinner, he wouldn't look at me and was obviously deep in thought. I wanted to help so much, but I had the horrible feeling I was the cause of it. Perhaps I didn't know exactly why, but he wouldn't tell me so I figured I would leave it for the moment. We were together all the time, he'd have to admit it sometime.

On the other hand, him not smiling at me drove me crazy. I hurt because he was hurting over something and I couldn't put it right, and whatever it was would be down to this situation that I had caused. I only meant to stop him heading upstairs without talking to me, but having my hand on him, a luxury I hadn't allowed myself, caused my feelings for him to erupt and I couldn't seem to let go.

"Please tell me what's wrong Alex. I want to help."

"You can't. I've got to work some stuff out."

It was him pushing me away even if not physically. I knew when I started to stroke his arm, but he was already looking into my eyes by then, and I wanted to kiss him so badly I let it show. He didn't move away, he looked nervous, but not upset by what I was doing and I was sure he wanted this too. With that thought I gave into my desire and placed my lips on his.

When he opened his mouth and I knew he really did want this, I kept it slow, trying to put every ounce of my love for him into an intense but soft kiss while I wrapped my arms around him. It was so good to have him against me, in my embrace, responding to my every touch, and I was hard and needed him so badly I had to tear myself away to stop from taking him to my bed.

He only looked upset at me letting go of him, not at what had happened, but I was horrified at what I had done despite all my good intentions. I could not let myself take advantage of him for a few days of fun, he needed a lover not a quick fuck and as much as it killed me to admit it, I could never be what he wanted. He really didn't look happy when I apologised.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"Why the hell not?"

"I shouldn't be thinking with my dick. You're...You deserve better."

I nearly told him how important and special he was, just to stop that hurt look on his face.

"What's that supposed to mean? It was just a kiss."

"That's why I had to stop, before I couldn't and it became a lot more than a kiss."

"I want more than a kiss, dammit. You don't?"

God yes, I wanted everything, but I was still right about why I shouldn't take it.

"Yes, I do. But I don't want to take advantage of you or this situation."

"Fuck that. If you don't want me then fine, but just tell me. I don't want cryptic comments."

I kind of didn't want to tell him, but it was only fair. He didn't realise what my life was like, only the little bit of it he had seen. I was not his knight in shining armour either, no matter how much he might think that. I had got him hurt and torn his life apart.

"Okay. You're young and inexperienced. Completely inexperienced unless I've misunderstood what you've said. I'm older than you and I can't promise you anything at all because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. We've been shoved together and we're on the run. It's only natural that we'd form some kind of bond, but a sexual one doesn't seem like a good idea. Your first time should be with someone you love who can offer you a future together, not just because we're stressed out and horny."

He went red, and then he started laughing. It was the last reaction I was expecting. He stood and argued with me, and I went through a myriad of emotions as he spoke. Could he really believe what he was saying, that he didn't need a relationship? If he wanted me for sex, that I could do, but I didn't want to have him for just a few days or weeks. I needed more than that, even though it was something I couldn't have.

His accusations cut through me. I had confused him and me when I pretended he was my boyfriend, and he understood that we didn't have much time together, but to use him as just a bit of fun, I knew if I took what I wanted I would never want it to end. One kiss had almost addicted me to his taste, but being able to touch and hold him and our naked bodies writhing together, it would be too much for me to ever let go, even if he was right and we ended up getting beaten or killed.