All Comments on 'Jason's Best Canoe Trip'
by JohnBergin
- 106 Comments
Such a disappointment… that this was your only posted story! ;-)
Great job! You set the stage perfectly, gave each character distinctly different and consistent personalities, and told a great story with just the right amount of sex and adventures.
A great first story! Well worth a 5.
It could use a bit of editing. Spelling looked good to me but a bit of awkward grammar now and then. Personally I would have used less backstory in the first pages.
Sex was great. Whole story was fun and funny - but also insightful in examining their different approaches to human sexuality and coming of age,
Big no-no that you will be criticized for is that you don’t know much about canoes - they have their own vocabulary and you got it badly mashed up with row boats,
Very enjoyable.
Holy Toledo. Great stories within the story. Really looking forward to more.
I’ll have to admit, this is the first 11 page story I’ve ever read on Lit. The story line and content were very good. Great Story.
A truly fantastic story, well written, and nicely paced. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story. BTW, Military Police at Ft. McClellan — that is really dating the old age of this story. I was there for training late ‘77. I hope to see more of your writings.
Superb storyline, great character development and rising sexual tension. Bravo!
For a first story , that was excellent, I look forward to reading more of your output, thanks
Really wonderful story...You're going to have an impressive portfolio. I loved how you had mini-stories within the main story. Well worth the long read.
I'd love to see them get together again soon as the characters were on the cusp of realizing they might be soulmates. Nicely done, now hand me a tissue!
Loved the story, I have been on plenty canoe trips in South Missouri and this story brought me back there. The beach parties, the people just as you described them and definitely the rain. The trips where always a blessing or a curse to relationships, driving couples apart or pulling them closer together. Great job!
fun story, I enjoyed it. Mike9947 got to you first about canoes and row boats. Paddles for canoes, oars for boats.
Simply excellent. Well written, good character development and oozing sexuality - just like Emily. I think it’s time the author gives us some more!
Fantastic! The story line, the stage business, the pacing - When I realized at the bottom of the first page I had 10 to go I gave some thought to skipping ahead - glad I read every page
Question - were they so far out in the boondocks that there was no cell phone service? There was none in "Deliverance" but that was in the bottom of a canyon half a century ago
You Sir have a talent. Please come up with another or many. I am sure I will enjoy them all. Even a follow-up to Jason and Emily(a rare, intelligent and worthy female could not be pleased with most "boys" her age and should be entitled to an occasional break from her school routines). Please do not keep that talent locked up.
WOW! Every once in awhile the truly great story in every aspect comes along. Thank you and thanks for giving us so many pages to enjoy!!
Such a well-constructed and entertaining story. It was long but so well-paced that it ended far too quickly. The characters were so well crafted that you felt you knew them, or at least had known them at one time. Great job and best of luck in the contest.
The story was adequately developed and compelling, but what really stands out, John, is the quality of your writing. In other words, the content was good, but the organization, focus, style, and conventions were great. Your sentence structure is superb and your grammar nearly perfect.
Loved this one. Some of my favorite stories involve people who enjoy having “mischievous fun” with one another, and this certainly qualifies. Disappointed to find that it’s your first and there were no others to go read, but that just means there’s a future out there! 5 Stars
Bravo! Fantastic story with great characters. Would absolutely love to see this turn into a series. To think of the possiblies of them crossing paths & seeing where the relationship goes...
i agree with all the comments and your excellent character development of both
Wonderful characterizations. Like Jason, I love a woman who has agency and knows her own desires. The ending made me sad - always a sign of a great love story. I hope to read about their reunion someday!
Brilliant story! I really hope you write more of them in the future! Would love to read about a possible second encounter between Emily and Jason. 5*
A brilliant story, so erotic, so sexy. Your two protagonists are drawn with care and affection, and this is now in my keeper stack of excellent short stories. I admire your fine pacing, evocative scenes, elegant sentences, the invisible writer. This story is huge; thank you for a great gift. My handle is WonderWay, not yet moderated.
This is one of the best stories that I've ever read on here, and I've been here for many years. I look forward to reading more from you. Thanks for such a thoughtful piece of work!
I had to make an account just to let you know that this story is incredible! I read it in 1 sitting, never did that before with such a long story.
What an accomplished story and for your first. 11 pages is long for a competition entry but it certainly flew by and I loved the build up to their sexual encounter. Don't get ne wrong - I prefer longer stories provided they're god and yours did not disappoint. Hope to read more of yours and possibly a continuation of this one???
Jason had a weekend he will never forget--perhaps Emily too
Loved the entire story from beginning to end. It's easily worth ten stars.
Good luck in the contest.
Outstanding writing! I thoroughly enjoyed every page. I could have read a novel like this story. Hope to see more from you in the future. Thank you.
Thank you, i hope you do well in the competition. For a new writer that's superb, please write more and possibly a further chapter to this story as keen to know what happens next.
This is a first submission to the site? I look forward to reading a great many more!
The only thing that was poor was not cumming insider her the first time so you could taste her. Much better to cum inside her, then taste her after than to act like that's gross -- it's not.
When the story ended, I almost felt like Jason did, I cant believe it is over. It flowed so smoothly. Your win is well justified. I am anxious to see what else you might have in store for us. Bravo
Engaging story, nice dialogue, hot sex. A compelling story well told. Bravo!
We need story 2 with these characters. Maybe a bit of real public nudity on her part...
Nice story!
Looking forward to seeing more from you. P.s. This story was quite long - you could have easily broken it up into two r three parts and released them one at a time perhaps. But I realize you may have done that for the contest.
I’ve been reading erotic fiction on sites like here and other places you can read stories online since the late 90s, and this is for sure one of the best I’ve read.
I got so engrossed in the story, I tended in anticipation when she said let’s have sex.
At the end, I felt like I was saying goodbye to summer camp friends.
I eagerly await your next work!
Honestly I think that this is one of the best erotica stories I've ever read, it was captivating from start to finish, and the character building was out of this world for me. Not to mention the fabulous sex scenes! 10/10. Can't wait for more.
Fantastic story, a well deserved winner. Would love to read more of your stories. Hope you provide that opportunity. - Vriesea
"Any fair evaluation of the situation would have concluded that I was a lucky man for my role in what had already happened. I accepted that reality, settled back in my chair, and reveled in all the pleasant memories."
This hits surprisingly hard.
Unfortunately, I have a hard time repeating the accolades of other commenters. While an enjoyable story, the credibility was stretched just a bit too thin. A cheerleader who was perfectly content to bare it all, but to get upset when the thoughts of a camera, when cameras were assuredly present, didn't ring true. She's got nipple rings, been active in sex at college, but is "almost" a virgin? Doesn't quite ring true. My take was that this was more of a "Ah, wouldn't it have been grand - if only -" fantasy story. 4 stars (Which is quite good, btw, but as a contest winner, I was disappointed.)
Thanks for sharing this fun story. Very well written and just this side of believable. Enjoyed the characters and read it all the way to the end because I cared about how they dealt with the elephant at the end.
I hope to read more from you in the future.
Must say this story is a mixed bag, as I share a few reservations of other commenters. I will start with positives, though.
Transitions are smooth and the reading flow is never interrupted at any point. You picture his doubts appropriately and document his internal struggle correctly to reflect what he really wants. She also doesn't come on strongly and comes off naturally in all her interactions. This is far from the instant gratification of some stories...but when it starts sizzling, it hits full boil. Finally, you resolve it reasonably, which stays true to your premise.
The fact she's so mature and open really seems to contradict her being "conservative," since she's clearly very extroverted and truly exhibitionist to a fault. Can she be a cheerleader, be smoking hot and have a brain? Yes. However, what you suggest is that she remembers him far better than he remembers her--and that suggests a huge crush--but you never explain that in the story. And while it's not uncommon for someone to be "conservative" around parents and be quite "relaxed" around friends one can trust, the problem is sooner or later, that "relaxation" ends in getting caught; it's simply a matter of time; in today's world, she would be outed and shamed from those people that took video of her while on the swing, just as soon as they could get to a good wi-fi connection.
Had you been an established author (more than 1 story), I would have rated this a 4, since some of the aforementioned factors could not have escaped even this fantasy world unscathed. However, since it appears this is your first, I rated it a 5, especially for your patience to slow roll the story and develop something between two unlikely partners that in some universes could have happened. Congrats on your award.
Dr beulahthebrit; Please, please, could someone please explain just why after spending three to four years at college (depending on degree) you would waste years of your life by going into the military. If countries wasted less money supporting the military/industrial complex, the world would be a far better place and the trillions of pounds/dollars/euros could help to support the hundreds of millions of people starving on this planet. Oh, no I didn't bother after the army bit, never do.
I really enjoyed this story. I thought the writing was descriptive and engaging. The fantasy of the story itself was fun and diverting. Thanks for a great read!
This is a wonderful story - lovely, slow build, sensuous. My unrealistic regret is that they didn't continue the relationship. Please continue writing stories!
Add another star for six! Pace, balance, tone are all excellent. Not many stories here merit 11 pages. This one just reads without conscious turn of the pages. It ends with that same sense of disappointing inevitability so that reader shares the emotion of the main character and his viewpoint. WOW! Keep writing, please.
Best story I’ve read on here. Read it a few times. Please continue their story the people need more!
Absolutely fantastic story!! Well written and just the right tone, hot without coming off as inappropriate in any way. I am pretty sure that I couldn't have managed even the token resistance the character presented. Certainly a bucket-lister for him!! I will look forward to seeing more of the same from you, hopefully in the near future, Nicely done, Bravo!! Write on!!
With out a doubt one of the best stories ever, so much reality it was hard to believe it was fiction, or was it? I will certainly be looking for future stories with you as author. Excellent work not enough superlatives to do the work justice.
Without a doubt, the best story I've ever read, thrilling, exciting. I'm closely resembling this guy and wish something like this could happen for me making my life exciting again like it used to be. sad to think this was the end for this couple knowing how well they got along together. so much more to say it was just fantastic.
What did I think of this story? I think it needs a sequel maybe she visits him or he visits her! but something please write more about this couple!
Perfect prose and balanced tension suspending disbelief. So enjoyable.
Fun, fun story! Normally I don't finish stories this long, but this one kept my interest and hit just the right tone of being tons of fun without being totally unbelievable.
This was such a fantastic read!!! I enjoyed every minute of it and couldn’t wait to finish it. I really felt like I had lived the sexy experience. Well done, you hooked me!
Great story. I’m 20 years older than my wife so not unbelievable. Sex scenes were tender and passionate. We need a sequel.
This was an amazing read! Looking forward to more stories (and perhaps even a sequel?)
You, sir have a talent. Utterly believable, completely enjoyable. More, please.
I’m lost for words. Never commented on an author or single story but you forced it out of me. This story is worth a read for any literotica reader! The characters were perfectly pictured at least for me, and not too much backstory to lose interest. Excellent build up and character development! I truly hope you continue writing. I’d absolutely love to read more, even if it’s a continuation of Emily or another story altogether.
Keep up the solid solid work!
Whilst I appreciate reading your stories for free on Literotica, you have the talent to be a more-widely read, dare I say, mainstream author. If you have not done so already, get published! Please.
I couldn't put it down. Fine writing, wonderful characters, hot little fantasy, I love it all. Well done. If you haven't tried getting published, you should.
Well done! This needs to be part of a series with several similar events over a period of time. Either planned or unplanned they meet again at a facility to do a canoe trip or maybe even some wilderness camping.
fun story, thank you. You didn't say which part of government he investigated for. Would it be background security checks? Might they meet again a couple years later, after she graduates and applies for a sensitive government job?
The best story and best written story here. Thank you. You have a talent. I didn't want it to end.
Great story. I've read hundreds but this is the first to draw a written response. I spent many days on the current river in youth. Thanks for the memories and the story.
I loved this story. I could believe everything that happened. It was well written, exciting, and satisfying. I hope to read a sequel one day.
Wow! Second reading and it was even better this time.. Well written, a beautiful story. I liked Emily, very much actually. She was honest, open, beautiful, a great/mature outlook on life. He was also well grounded and his treatment/actions toward Emily was outstanding/perfect. I would love to see more of these two. While the age difference is a problem, there are many examples of that not hindering a successful relationship.
Thank you!
What a superb read. I felt that I lived the journey and the adventure within it with you.
Thank you for taking me on your trip! The canoeing made me think of the Current River in my younger days. The rest of the story was out of my experience until sharing through your storytelling. How awesome!
This story was way too long...It took 8 pages just to get to any action.... I thought it would be good but not.... lost this guy....only three stars
Bummed there’s no sequel to this story. Feels like there’s more to these twos story that’s yet to be written. Maybe as a former cop he does security for an event her college is hosting and they spend another weekend together? Or maybe a couple months later they go on another water adventure?