Is That a Telescope in Your Pants?

You're in isolation with a loved one. Your sex life is getting stale and you're getting on each other's nerves. The solution? Easy peasy! It's adult role play. In this example it's the astronomer and car worker. I'm warning you at the start in case you are an astronomer and car worker so you can skip this and go onto the next one.

What sort of setting do you need? Simple. A hall, a bedroom, a darkroom and stairs. Stairs are a plus but could prove to be distracting. If you don't have one, don't construct a staircase. You may have plenty of time, but that would be better spent learning the script.

It's always good to have a back-up plan and when my career as a masseur failed to get off the ground I was ready to suggest that I would give photography a go. Again, my hopes were dashed when it turned out that you couldn't get a job at Playboy straight from school even if you were willing to provide your own Kodak Instamatic.

Yet that's the only prop you need for a first-class photography role play. And a tripod. And a roll of film. And a chess set.

Archibald Bishop: "Good morning madam. Could I have a few words with the man of the house?"

Tamara Knight: "There is no 'man of the house'. I live alone."

Archibald Bishop: "I'm extremely surprised to hear that."

Tamara Knight: "What can I do for you?"

Archibald Bishop: "It's a bit embarrassing really. I think it will be best if I introduce myself. I'm Archibald Bishop."

Tamara Knight: "But no need to be embarrassed Archibald. You have a fairly comical name, but I've heard worse."

Archibald Bishop: "I'm not embarrassed about my name."

Tamara Knight: "Good for you. I'm Tamara Knight.

Archibald Bishop: "Like the character Lady Tamara Knight in that brilliant story "The Greatest Knight Of Your Life!"

Tamara Knight: "Personally I thought the Hugh Juter character was treated very unsympathetically. In my opinion it was a load of cobblers."

Archibald Bishop: "No, you must be mixing it up with the sequel where Lady Tamara Knight has a chance encounter with a group of shoemakers."

Tamara Knight: "I mean that the writer if you can call him that was oblivious to the plight of a gay knight in Medieval times."

Archibald Bishop: "I have no idea. I couldn't read either of them. I'm not from Latvia so I don't know Latin."

Tamara Knight: "That's very strange. You seem to know a lot about the subject."

Archibald Bishop: "Well you know how it is. I work at the car factory. The lads are always banging on about Latin and Greek literature. I'm looking forward to reading it in English when it comes out in paperback."

Tamara Knight: "I doubt it ever will. Some of the characterisation is weak but it has a very complex plot. Very intricate. Like chess."

Archibald Bishop: Which is a rather strange co-incidence. We both have chess related names."

Tamara Knight: "Yes, you said you were Archibald Prawn!"

Archibald Bishop: "Bishop"

Tamara Knight: "Of course, Bishop. Prawn would be embarrassing."

Archibald Bishop: "True. And let me say, you have a splendid chest."

Tamara Knight: "How dare you! I hardly know you and you start making sexist breast related comments."

Archibald Bishop: "It came out wrong. I was trying to say splendid chess set. The one on your hall table over there."

Tamara Knight: "Of course, now where were we?"

Archibald Bishop: "I was about to say that I'm your neighbour from the house that backs onto yours. I was wondering if you have a telescope."

Tamara Knight: "A bizarre request. Most of the neighbours who come round looking for something ask for a cup of sugar."

Archibald Bishop: "I don't want to borrow your telescope."

Tamara Knight: "I'll fetch the sugar then."

Archibald Bishop: "I don't want to borrow a cup of sugar either."

Tamara Knight: "Well, if you don't want to borrow a telescope or a cup of sugar, what do you want to borrow?"

Archibald Bishop: "I don't want to borrow anything. I believe that someone is spying on me using a telescope."

Tamara Knight: "And why would anybody want to do that?"

Archibald Bishop: "I thought you might be able to give me the answer."

Tamara Knight: "You think it's me who's spying on you?"

Archibald Bishop: "If you're the only one in the house, then yes."

Tamara Knight: "Do I look remotely like Patrick Moore?"

(The late English amateur TV astronomer whose six-inch refractor was used strictly for its original design purpose.)

Archibald Bishop: "England's heroic 1966 World Cup winning captain?"

Tamara Knight: "That's Bobby. Patrick is an amateur astronomer. He hosts The Sky at Night."

Archibald Bishop: "I wouldn't know, I work nights and we're not allowed a TV."

Tamara Knight: "Of course. You need to focus on your work."

Archibald Bishop: "I was going to say that it would keep the men awake."

Tamara Knight: "He would. He's very animated."

Archibald Bishop: "Yes, cartoons are so loud."

Tamara Knight: "But Patrick's a real man."

Archibald Bishop: "I'll take your word on that. Now can I come upstairs and have a root around?"

Tamara Knight: "I'm not having a strange man rooting in my bedroom."

Archibald Bishop: "Look, I'll only be rooting for a minute. You'll hardly notice I've been in."

Tamara Knight: "I suppose that will be alright then. I've hardly noticed most of the men who've been in in my room."

Archibald Bishop: "Is that because you have a saggy cunt?"

Tamara Knight: "That's so offensive! I certainly do not have "a saggy cunt" as you so crudely put it. That was clearly a typo. My cunt is as tight as a duck's arse!"

Archibald Bishop: "Fuck a duck!"

Tamara Knight: "Precisely. My boyfriend's got a tiny todger, but I can hold it with a vice like grip."

Archibald Bishop: "I find that very hard to believe."

Tamara Knight: "You can't come into my hall and start casting aspersions about my beautiful little cunt!"

Archibald Bishop: "I'm so sorry Tamara. I apologise."

Tamara Knight: "It's too late for that. You'll have to squeeze your hand inside my pants and stick your finger in."

Archibald Bishop: "Why? Is that where you've hidden the telescope?"

Tamara Knight: "Of course not you fool! I want to prove to you that I have a compact cunt."

Archibald Bishop: "Alright, but if I find a telescope I won't be happy."

Tamara Knight: "I've just told you, it's compact. It's one of the last places I'd stick a telescope."

Archibald Bishop: "We'll see."

Tamara Knight: "But I know where I'd like to stick one."

Archibald squeezes his hand inside Tamara's pants and attempts to stick his finger inside her.

Archibald Bishop: "It's no good, I'll have to take your pants down."

He undoes her button and they fall to the floor.

Tamara Knight: "Will it help if I remove my panties too?"

Archibald Bishop: "It can't do any harm."

Tamara slides her panties down.

Tamara Knight: "Is that better?"

Archibald Bishop: "If anything it's made things harder, but I'll do my best."

This time Archibald manages to penetrate Tamara.

Tamara Knight: "You see Archibald, it's not saggy at all!"

Archibald Bishop: "No, even though you're wet. But wait. What's this hard thing?"

Tamara Knight: "That's my clit."

Archibald Bishop: "Oh! For a moment I thought it might be the eyepiece of the telescope!"

Tamara Knight: "No it is not the eyepiece of the fucking telescope! Keep rubbing it you moron!"

Archibald rubs slowly until he brings Tamara to a screaming climax. (Regular readers will know that I don't normally try to give you sex guidance and now you see why!)

Tamara Knight: "Wow Archie, that was fantastic! Now is there anything you'd like me to do for you?"

Archibald Bishop: "You bet there is Tamara!"

Tamara Knight: "I thought so."

Archibald Bishop: "Yes, I'd like you to take me upstairs to your bedroom."

Tamara Knight: "I thought as much."

Archibald Bishop: "Yes, so I can look for the telescope."

Tamara Knight: "You still want to look for the fucking telescope? Alright I'll take you to my bedroom, but you won't find what you're looking for."

The two of them mount the stairs. Although Tamara is naked from the waist down it is essential to the plot that Archibald does not mount her. Are we clear?

Archibald Bishop: "Ha! What's that in the window facing my house?"

Tamara Knight: "That's a 1968 Konica Auto reflex T SLR camera."

Archibald Bishop: "Yes, the first SLR with internal open aperture TTL metering auto exposure, internal CdS centre weighted light meter and reduced shutter button travel. But it lacks half frame capability doesn't it?"

Tamara Knight: "True enough, but the main thing is that it has a first class zoom capability. I'm currently using it to take pictures of the moon."

Archibald Bishop: "And yet you said you weren't an astronomer."

Tamara Knight: "I asked if you thought I looked like Patrick Moore."

Archibald Bishop: "So if you are an astronomer how come your camera is pointed directly at my bedroom window?"

Tamara Knight: "I can only assume that the tripod bracket has become loose."

Archibald Bishop: "The standard Gitzo 0 weekend ¾" tripod does have a notoriously weak bracket."

Tamara Knight: "Yes, and as you can see, it has loosened. Looks like a whole reel of film wasted."

Archibald Bishop: "So you had the camera set up on a timer taking lunar shots all night. That's why my wife phoned me to say somebody was spying on her with a telescope."

Tamara Knight: "An easy mistake to make. I'm just going to develop these now. Hopefully I'll have a few shots of the full moon."

Archibald Bishop: "Could I watch? I have quite an interest in photography."

Tamara Knight: "If you're sure your wife can do without you."

Archibald Bishop: "No problem, she encourages me to stay out of the house as much as possible."

Tamara Knight: "Well as you can see, the first one is the moon, but the bracket must have shifted as soon as I left the room. The second one is a very sharp picture of a large arse. I'm guessing the lens auto adjusted.

Archibald Bishop: "Yes, I haven't got my specs, but that's my wife mooning alright.

Tamara Knight: "And in this one she's wearing some elegant lingerie."

Archibald Bishop: "Yes if you consider leather to be elegant. More like elephant if you ask me."

Tamara Knight: "And what about the very dangerous looking whip? You're not one of those blokes who likes to be beaten are you?"

Archibald Bishop: "Of course not, we got it from a ranch in the U.S when we were on honeymoon."

Tamara Knight: "You'll like the next one. You look good in a mask."

Archibald Bishop: "That's not me. I was on the night shift."

Tamara Knight: "So the other chap in the next shot isn't you either? He appears to be doing something to her that only a husband should be legally allowed to do."

Archibald Bishop: "No, that's my foreman. He went out for a pack of fags. I'll kill him if he's nicked mine."

Tamara Knight: "In that case I've got bad news for you. He's smoking in this one while the man in the mask has swapped positions with him."

Archibald Bishop: "That's typical. He starts something he can't finish, passes the job onto someone else and then takes all the credit when it's done."

Tamara Knight: "Well he's got going again in the next one. Does this surprise you?"

Archibald Bishop: "Not really, she's recently given up the fags herself, so I suppose after sex she still can't resist the urge to put something in her mouth."

Tamara Knight: "Mind you is it actually after sex when you're still doing it doggy style with a man in a mask?"

Archibald Bishop: Possibly not, but give her credit, giving up appears to have dramatically increased her stamina. She's been too tired to do it with me for years and yet here she is getting shagged time and again without breaking a sweat."

Tamara Knight: "Apparently studies show that it's beneficial if you start a new pastime when giving up smoking."

Archibald Bishop: "Her smoking always caused trouble in our relationship. I think it's unbecoming in a woman. But taking everything into account I'm going to come right out and say it was preferable to this."

Tamara Knight: "Oh my God!"

Archibald Bishop: "Surely that's not too surprising. Who wants to see his wife having it off with his boss and a masked man of mystery?"

Tamara Knight: "I said 'Oh my God!' because in the next one the masked man of mystery has taken off the head gear. And it's my bloody boyfriend."

Archibald Bishop: "That's amazing!"

Tamara Knight: "I know, what an incredible co-incidence."

Archibald Bishop: "Not the co-incidence part, his little part. I can't believe my wife could get any satisfaction from it. She has a really saggy cunt."

Tamara Knight: "Maybe she likes his personality."

Archibald Bishop: "Perhaps. Has he got a good one?"

Tamara Knight: "No, he's a complete twat."

Archibald Bishop: "And he's an ugly looking bastard. No wonder she made him wear the mask."

Tamara Knight: "She's no oil painting either. I bet you left your specs off when she wanted a shag."

Archibald Bishop: "Unless it was dark."

Tamara Knight: "Me and Elroy only ever did it under cover of darkness. It's good that he's finally found somebody who'll have sex with him when the lights on."

Archibald Bishop: "And that she's found not one, but two ugly bastards."

Tamara Knight: "It's ironic that those uggo's are cheating on us. You're actually pretty gorgeous."

Archibald Bishop: "And even spec' less, I can see you're pretty and you have a great bottom too. Not like my wife's dark side of the moon."

Tamara Knight: "Spec' less and sexless. What a shame. Would you like me to do something about that?"

Archibald Bishop: "Not if you're planning to lend me a pair of glasses."

Tamara Knight: "So just the sex then."

Archibald Bishop: "Great! We'll show those bastards a thing or two."

Archibald strips down to his undergarments.

Tamara Knight: "My God! What's that in your pants?"

Archibald Bishop: "It's what I like to call my Bishop prick."

Tamara Knight: "Thank God! For a moment I thought it was that fucking telescope!"

Now is the time for Archibald Bishop to get cracking on Tamara Knight's little crack. Aren't the pair of you glad that you waited to consummate your relationship? If you'd done it on the stairs you'd never have read the punchline.

Just to ruin it by rambling on about costume. Archibald has been working the night shift during the 1960's. Today one might deduce that he would be sporting a pair of grubby work stained overalls. But during the swinging decade the shift worker was not governed by the Draconian anti-labour legislation which has cruelly lashed the yoke to the common man's back.

If he couldn't find someone to do it for him Bishop may well have turned up to clock in wearing his overalls. Even back then there was a dress code. But underneath he would be sporting his pyjamas. The working man was not expected to stay awake all night and most of them would be able to make themselves comfortable for the duration in a sleeping bag inside a crate. Of course, this didn't apply to everyone. Somebody had to act as look out.

So, if you want to be truly authentic Archibald will whip off his overalls and display the silhouette of his throbbing member through his pyjama bottoms. Tamara will need a pair of pants and panties that can be whipped off in a hurry in your hall.