I'm Fucking Batman!

Those of you who've read this writer's 'Pirate Sex for Beginners,' 'Ticket to Ride' and 'Home Office Intercourse' will be delighted to find another piece of literature that's designed to develop your role-playing skills. They're being written because I recognise that the diversity of your sex life may be suffering during these Covidinous times. And I'm not having it.

This is a highly stimulating simulation. A role play opportunity that you would be wise to take. But I should warn you that Batman will not be having sex with Robin intercourse of this story. And if you think that's bad, wait until the Eurovision Song Contest pun.

I don't think this should present a particular problem. The lack of sex, not the punnery. After all, Batman doesn't have sex with Robin in nearly every story posted on this forum.

Regular readers understand that it's up to them to put in their own sex part. In this case Batman having sex with Robin. Most of you will have been putting in your own sex part for years anyway. Not necessarily into Robin, but it's an essential part of the plot. The climax of the whole thing in fact. Just do it. It shouldn't be a problem. Remember, it's only acting.

Full marks if you've already have guessed that this role play involves Batman and Robin. And more full marks if you've realised you'll require costumes. Nothing but the full Batman get up will do for the male lead. Batman and his alter ego Bruce Wayne have dozens of potential sexual partners, so buy a costume. You'll get plenty of use from it now and it will go down a storm at post-Covid fancy dress parties. Plus, should you decide on a change of career may I suggest law enforcement?

This one's ideal for the home because it's an interview scenario. You will have already whetted your partner's sexual appetite by presenting him/her with this advert.

Local Superhero requires Sidekick.

No experience necessary.

Full uniform provided.

Must be prepared to work unsocial hours.

Board and lodging included.

(Exempt from the Gotham City Sex Discrimination Act (1962)

Batman will be seated behind the desk and Robin is waiting outside. A knock is heard on the door. Regular readers will not be surprised that I've provided minimal stage direction. I'll admit it, I find direction boring. If you want a director phone Spielberg. I bet he's not busy at the moment.

And here's your script...

Batman: "Let me introduce myself..."

Robin: "There's really no need to, everybody in Gotham City knows who you are. You're Batman."

Batman: "I try to keep a low profile, but a very gracious compliment, nonetheless. So, let me get to the point. I'm looking for someone to help out with the crime fighting in the role of a robin."

Robin: And by an uncanny co-incidence, that happens to be my name, Robin Sarong."

Batman: "No doubt from Gotham's uber wealthy Sarong manufacturers, the Sarongs."

Robin: "Indeed, though I've been working in Europe for several years."

Batman: "Yes, I believe your family have been very successful over there."

Robin: "We've won the Eurovision Sarong Contest on a record five consecutive occasions."

Batman: "A splendid achievement. It's so important to foster close ties with such a large economy."

Robin: "Indeed and if as I predict Great Britain is allowed to join the Common Market, sales can only increase."

Batman: "That's just Britain now Robin, but should they be allowed to join it will have the effect of dragging that sad, grey strike-ridden nation back onto its feet."

Robin: "Golly Batman, you're right again. There was I just thinking about the Sarong market."

Batman: "True, but you're right to defend your interests. For example, if Britain was to be allowed in, they'd certainly never leave. And I like the name. Robin Sarong sounds very like "Robbing's wrong. It would send a very strong message to the criminal fraternity if only you didn't have to maintain a secret identity. How do you feel about that?"

Robin: "I simply love secrets Batman. In the business world it's absolutely imperative to conduct your affairs as clandestinely as possible."

Batman: "As clandestinely as possible within the law."

Robin: "Jeepers Batman, you're right again. So insightful."

Batman: "Speaking of a 'sight full', I can't help but notice you have quite an impressive pair of breasts on you young man. How do you think they'll assist in the crime fighting field?"

Robin: "Golly gee Batman, a devilishly good question. I prefer to refer to them as pecs, but regardless of that, it's very observant of you to notice."

Batman: "Well old chum, in the world of crime fighting it pays to be devilishly observant."

Robin: "Now, if I could ask a question, exactly how much would the pay be? It was rather unclear in your advert in the Globe."

Batman: "At 15 cents a character I wasn't going to fork out on vulgarities. But you haven't answered my question about the top bollocks."

Robin: "Holy Cow! Of course, you're right again Batman. And in answer to your question, I'd say it would be highly appropriate because when we're rushing about dressed as a robin and a bat we're going to look like a right pair of tits."

Batman: "Good answer old pal, I may have to rethink the whole robin bit. But let me add, it's a bat and a robin, always a bat and a robin."

Robin: "Of course batman. But if you're open to suggestion, how about a duck?"

Batman: "An interesting suggestion, they're two a penny on the streets of Gotham since the mayor protected them with his forward thinking 'Duck Bill'. We'd blend right in."

Robin: "And a duck is still a bird, but with enhanced marine capabilities."

Batman: "But if we no longer look like a pair of tits, how would yours fit in?"

Robin: "Jeepers Batman, ducks may not be renowned for their chests like the robin red breast, but the average criminal can't resist gawping at a well upholstered chest. If they don't, they risk losing face within their sexist fraternity. So, while their attention is drawn, it's your chance to kapow them with your duckarang.

Batman: "You mean batarang old bean. But I get your point. In the crime fighting game a moments distraction can sometimes be all you need. Now another aspect of the job I'd like to hear your opinion on is the uniform. When I developed mine, I built it around the posing pouch, and everything developed from there."

Robin: "Interestingly in Australia, they call the pouch 'budgie smugglers."

Batman: "Something that fails to surprise me. The Australian is naturally predisposed to criminality being of convict descent. I have no doubt he will habitually resort to concealing vulnerable wildlife in his undergarments."

Robin: "Quite so Batman. But even when in Oz I'm not a posing pouch kind of guy. And when I say guy, I am most definitely one. I think I should start with the mask and work my way down."

Batman: "Not an option old buddy. The posing pouch is strictly non-negotiable. My air of invincibility would swiftly evaporate if lawbreakers thought that any partner of mine was lacking in the trouser department."

Robin: "I can assure you that if any wrongdoer was to catch a glimpse of my private parts, he'd be rendered defenceless."

Batman: "That's the sort of language I like to hear."

Robin: "Standard English. I speak it like a native."

Batman: "You have Red Indian blood?"

(Adam West, the 1960's TV Batman may have spoken in this politically injudicious manner. Any Batman from Michael Keaton onwards would say 'Native American'.)

Robin: "No, I speak English like a native of England."

Batman: "Of course, the English always sprinkle their sentences with liberal 'jeepering' and 'golly geeing'."

Robin: "And like you, the Great British bobby enters the fray completely unarmed."

Batman: "Except for his mighty truncheon, old crony. A British bobby would never march fearlessly into the fray unless he was proudly wielding his rock-hard weapon."

Robin: "Holy mackerel! You're right again Batman, where would a British bobby be without one?"

Batman: "It would be like me trying to fight evil without a posing pouch. I'd be emasculated. But there might be a way around the problem. What are your legs like?"

Robin: "Rather slender and shapely, since you ask. But how will that benefit me in the relentless pursuit of the criminal fraternity?"

Batman: "It might be just enough to draw attention away from the contents of your pants. So, let's see what you're made of from the waist down."

Robin: "Is that an entirely necessary part of the interview process?"

Batman: "It is when the job in question demands that the successful applicant conducts most of his business in a pair of fifty denier."

Robin: "Holy smoke! You're right again Batman. Consider my coyness a thing of the past. So, do you think the legs are suitable for the job?"

Batman: "They're absolutely perfect pins."

Robin: "Thanks Batman, I wax regularly and spend at least an hour a day tanning them during the warm months."

Batman: "A wise precaution, long periods of unprotected exposure to the sun's healing rays is a vital ingredient in the recipe for human longevity. And assiduous waxing will make it so much easier to slip the tights on and off, as well as enhancing the aesthetics of the ensemble."

(This scene is set in the distant past long before the completion of the hole in the ozone layer put an end to safe sunbathing.)

Robin: "Does that mean I've got the job?"

Batman: "There may be just one tiny problem. And when I say tiny, I really mean non-existent."

Robin: "You noticed that?"

Batman: "I'm Batman."

(And if you thought that took a long time, wait for the Spartacus role play.)

Robin: "I should have realised I shouldn't have tried to pull it off."

Batman: "And yet, you succeeded."

Robin: "You really believe I pulled my willy off?"

Batman: "Well from where I'm stood it sure looks like it."

Robin: "And you're Gotham's answer to Sherlock Holmes? Look, I'm a woman, not a eunuch."

Batman: "But the advert distinctly stated that the job was exempt from the Gotham City Sex Discrimination Act (1962)."

Robin: "Yes, but I was desperate. I wanted to become a sidekick since I was a little boy."

Batman: "Girl."

Robin: "Jeepers Batman, I'm still in character. When I read the classified I realised that as you were getting on a bit you needed someone like me to look after you."

Batman: "Listen young lady, I'm only four...thirty-five and I do Pilates. It's just that lately the solitude of the life of the solo crime fighter has started to get to me."

Robin: "That's exactly what Superman said."

Batman: "You had an interview with him too?"

Robin: "Not really, he twigged that I was a girl straight away."

Batman: "That's because he has x ray eyes. I would have worked it out even quicker if I had x ray eyes. All I had to go on was your long blonde hair, your heavily mascara'd baby blues, and luscious ruby lips."

Robin: "I came straight from a soirée."

Batman: "That explains the gown and stilettos. I was wondering about that as soon as you came in."

Robin: "Which indicates that your powers of deduction are as sharp as ever."

Batman: "You're right, I don't need a sidekick. I've still got it. When I saw your map of Tasmania I was on the verge of a breakthrough."

Robin: "And my deductive powers tell me you're on the verge of breaking through your posing pouch. You've seen mine..."

Batman: "So it's about time..."

Robin: "You showed me yours..."

Batman: "A capital idea. Then we can enjoy a refreshing glass of dandelion and bur..."

Robin: "Fuck like it's the fourth of July."

Batman: "Dammit, that was going to be my next guess.

Wow! That was some role play. Sorry for being immodest but one of you got to say

"I'm Batman."

And let's face it, Robin says

"You're Batman."

Which runs a pretty close second. And if second isn't good enough, what about a spot of role reversal?

The caped crusader mentions Robin's long blonde hair, heavily mascara'd eyes, and luscious ruby lips as well as her gown and stilettos. If you haven't yet worked out that Robin is a woman I suggest that you get into the role by focussing on the development of Batmanesque perceptive abilities.

This will give help you a little in today's social climate, but most of all it will prevent you from making life threatening mistakes once current restrictions are lifted.