I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover

I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover

The title of this story is a line from the 1997 song co-written by and performed by Meredith Brooks titled "Bitch (Nothing In between). I have always felt that this song perfectly describes today's modern woman. It can be a real problem if you're married to a 21^st Century woman and you are a mid 20^th Century kind of man.

My name is Sheldon Smithe-James, but everyone calls me "Shell" or "Shelly." I used to have a nickname back in high school. They called me "Seldom" James. Meaning I seldom got laid. The reality was I never got laid in high school because I was so shy and skinny that I practically never dated anyone. The nickname was dropped after I returned from my stint in the US Army and keeping our shores safe from foreign invaders. But if we're splitting hairs, weren't we the invaders? Anyway I came back a couple of inches taller and had added 25 pounds of muscle. I filled out the uniform well and had also gained a few pounds of metals on my chest so I attracted a lot more female attention. As far as I could tell the metals were mostly for not getting myself killed. Which based on where I was stationed really wasn't all that difficult.

Right now I am sitting in one of the many local dive watering holes in our town called the Tiger Bar. You know the type of place I'm talking about. It's dark and dingy with the combined scents of mildew, vomit, alcohol, and sweat permeating the joint. The men's bathroom smells even worse. It has those little target type air fresheners in the bottom of the filthy urinals with a picture of Jane Fonda aka "Hanoi Jane" smiling at you. The walls are covered with everything from photos of people who died well back into the last century, to advertisements for things you never heard of. It looks like it hadn't been updated in 40-50 years.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon and there are three other people in the place besides myself. One is the bartender and the other two are old drunks sound asleep. The place is a shit hole, and it fits my current state of mind perfectly!

I had just come from my attorney's office. He had given me the bad news about what my life would be like if I file for divorce from Meredith, my wife of 15 years. Sometimes I could get away with calling her "Mere" but she much preferred to be called Meredith.

I discovered yesterday that Meredith has been cheating on me. It appears that she has been doing so for awhile. So I essentially have two things to figure out. First, were there warning signs that I missed, that should have clued me in as to what was going on? And secondly, what the hell do I do about it now?

Before I get much further in to this, I should give you a very brief background on Meredith and I. We met about a year after I returned from the sandbox. I was working at an auto repair shop as a "wrench spinner." Meredith Smithe's car had broken down and when she came into the shop and I saw her, I was all in. We were married less than a year later.

I now own the place I used to work in, which I cleverly re-named, "Shelly's Auto Repair." It might not have been much, but I made a pretty decent living. Enough to keep our two kids, James aged 12 and Mary who was 10, fed and clothed. We even had a couple of bucks in the bank and a mortgage we could handle on a small house we owned.

Of course if I was honest, I would say that we couldn't have done this on my income alone. Meredith had a college degree in the Graphic Arts. She worked for an ad agency in town and made almost as much as I did.

All in all I thought we were happy. Frankly until I discovered that she was unfaithful, I thought we were over the moon happy. If good quality sex was any indicator, we were over the planet Mars happy!

Honestly, I don't think our sex life has slowed down one bit over the last 15 years. If anything, it has gotten much better. Sex isn't different from most other endeavors, the more you do it the better you get at it. She wasn't a virgin when we married, but then neither was I. Meredith is willing to do most anything sexually. She always wanted to try new things and frequently asked me if there were any new things I wanted to try, or anything I wanted her to do better.

Meredith likes me to start giving her little butterfly type kisses all over her body to really get her going. On occasion after I start in she will tell me, "No big boy, tonight is all about you." She will push me on my back and at that point I am just a passenger. It is freaking fantastic!

Meredith is a very sensual person. She really has no problem with orgasms. She gets off at least once and usually 2-3 times each session. Under the right circumstances she will orgasm simply from me playing with her nipples. I suppose she could be faking it, but what would be the point. We agreed long ago that faking orgasms wouldn't help anything, but then again, I thought she would never cheat on me either.

As I was sitting in the bar feeling sorry for myself and pondering my next move I became aware of the lyrics of a song playing on the bar's crappy sound system and I listened.

"I'm a bitch I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother. I'm a sinner I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between."

I tuned back out and started thinking about my problems but those words kept creeping back in. I wondered what song that was. I called over to the bartender, I think he was starting to fall asleep too, and asked him what that the name of the song playing was?

He responded, "It is called 'Bitch' and it's by Meredith Brooks."

I gave a sardonic laugh, and thought to myself, "That's appropriate."

I asked him for another scotch and he nodded and went to get it. "What am I doing drinking this shit? What kind of bar doesn't even have Glen Livet or at least Chivas? Jesus what a dump this place is."

When my mind wasn't wandering back to the song lyrics I started thinking more about my problems and what I was going to do. There was zero chance I was wrong about her cheating. I saw it with my own eyes. Well almost my own eyes.

Normally, I personally test drive every customer's car that we work on. Once I'm satisfied with our work we have the customer come pick their car up. Well a couple of days ago we worked on this old lady's Crown Victoria. She looked like Mrs. Doubtfire. I am not sure how she handled that old monstrosity but there was no way I was going to let her drive it off my lot. I was too worried she would destroy half the cars there before she would make it to the street! So I told her when the car was done we would bring it to her house and she could pay us there. She was very grateful.

I had one of my guys Hector follow me in his car and when I got to Mrs. Doubtfire's house I pulled into her driveway on Saranac Dr. and Hector parked on the street. It was one of those cool old pre World War II bungalows with the big front porches. I noticed a Ford Explorer next door the same color as Meredith's. The little old lady was waiting on the porch as I walked up to her. As we were concluding the transaction I looked to the neighbor's porch and about dropped everything in my hands.

Meredith came out the front door with some douche bag and planted a smoking hot toe curling kiss on the guy. Mrs. Doubtfire said, "That's Jack's girlfriend. I have only seen her a few times. Isn't she pretty?"

Through clenched teeth I responded, "Yeah she's gorgeous."

Mrs. Doubtfire was just loaded with information because she added, "When she is here I start to blush because they are very vocal."

I was so disgusted I could barely get the words out, "Oh really?" My voice was filled with sarcasm.

"I know what sex is young man. You young people didn't invent it you know."

I couldn't help myself, I chuckled at that and asked her if we could go inside to finish up the paperwork. I wanted to get inside before Meredith saw me. There was no way I was ready for a confrontation at that point. A couple of minutes later I heard her Explorer start up and pull away.

Hector had his head buried in his iPhone as I opened his car door. I used to think that driverless cars were a bad idea, but with these kids and their electronics, they are probably a necessity.

Hector looked over at me and said, "What's wrong boss, you look pale as a ghost? Did the old lady pay you in rolled coins?" He laughed heartily at his joke. Hector always cracked himself up.

I just told him to get us back to the shop and never said another word all the way back. I finished my afternoon up and headed home. I really needed to think this out before I confronted Meredith, so I tried to act normal when I went into the house.

She heard me come in and before she saw me Meredith sang out,"Hi baby, I really missed you today. Dinner is almost ready." As she turned and saw me shouted, "Oh my god Shell, what's wrong, you look terrible?"

"I ate something bad; I think will skip dinner and go straight to bed." I went up stairs, said a quick goodnight to the kids and went to bed. Pretty smooth on my part don't you think?

I left for work early the next morning before anyone else was up. I found an attorney and made an appointment for after lunch. I wasn't in a very good mood so all the guys left me alone. I told everyone I was taking off after lunch. I didn't get any argument from them because I'm pretty sure they wanted me as far away from them as possible. I would have to apologize later.

I met with the attorney and got the bad news. Since I started my business after being married, Meredith would get half. She would get the house until the kids turned 18 and I would get the mortgage. She would get custody of the kids and I would get to be a part time dad while I got to pay a hefty child support check. See how everything is split 50-50 in a no fault state? Meredith could have been cheating with the entire 4^th Infantry Division and it wouldn't mean squat. There was one bright spot though. Because our incomes were about the same I would probably only have to pay a nominal amount of spousal support.

So that is how I ended up sitting on this barstool in this shit hole of a bar drinking crappy scotch watching the sleeping drunks and listening to that damned song.

I still didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn't face Meredith without losing it. I had to think this through. So I pulled out my phone and I sent two texts. The first was to Julie my Office Manager. Basically I told her that I wouldn't be in until Monday and I couldn't be reached until then. She could run the show until I got back. I had never done that before so it should stir up a beehive of activity! The second text was to Meredith. It simply said, "I am going away for a few days. I need some time to think. Please don't try to reach me. Tell James and Mary that I love them, and I'm sorry," and I immediately shut my phone off.

In the business I am in you always need to have a lot of cash on you. I looked in my wallet and I had over $1,000 in it. I would be set for several days. I needed to find a cheap motel and pick up some toiletries, underwear, and a few other things and I would be set. I had noticed a motel across the parking lot from the Tiger Bar. It didn't look any better than this place but it should do. So I got up off my barstool dropped a couple of twenties on the bar for the drinks nodded my thanks to the bartender and headed out.

I would have liked to stay at a better place but then they would ask for a credit card for "incidentals" which meant someone might locate me. It was probably paranoid of me but I knew that the motel would deal in cash only and not give a crap how many John Smiths were registered.

Meanwhile at about this same time Meredith James checked her messages and was stunned to see the text from Shell. "Oh my god, what has happened?" she said out loud.

She quickly tried calling and Shell's phone went to voice mail immediately. She texted him, "Shell you're scaring me, what is wrong, call me please!"

"Maybe something terrible happened at work?" She thought to call Julie. Julie and Meredith were close friends; maybe she could tell her what happened.

When Julie picked up the office phone, Meredith practically screamed at her, "Julie what is going on with Shell? Did someone get hurt?"

"Meredith I don't know what's going on. I just got a very strange text from Shell about going to be gone until Monday and unavailable. He told me to run things myself. Can you believe that?"

Meredith was beginning to get a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Did anything unusual happen?"

"The only thing I can think of Meredith is that yesterday Shell had Hector follow him to deliver a customer's car, and when they came back Shelly was a different guy. It was almost like he was in a daze. This morning he was a real bear and he told everyone he was taking off and then he sent the text."

"I don't know Julie, something is really wrong! Did Hector say anything?"

"Well I overheard the guys pestering Hector. They thought he was to blame for Shell's mood. Hector said he didn't do anything. Hector told them they dropped the customer's car at a house over on Saranac Dr. and........

Julie was still talking, but Meredith had fainted dead away. Meredith regained her senses as James and Mary were shaking her. They were hysterical and she went immediately back into mother mode. They needed to finish homework, be fed dinner, and get ready for school tomorrow.

At least it was Friday and she would have time over the weekend to figure out how to mitigate the damage she had done. After the kids were in bed she made arrangements with her folks to keep the kids over the weekend. That was easy to accomplish because James and Mary loved to spend time being spoiled rotten by her folks who loved their grandchildren more than anything else. As she put them to bed, she told them that their dad had to be away for a few days for work. It didn't make sense because Shell was home every night, but they were young enough to buy it and they were really looking forward to their weekend!

Just before going to bed herself, Meredith tried to leave one more voicemail but Shell's voicemail was full. So she sent one more text to him.

It read, "Shell, I know you saw me yesterday. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. If you won't talk to me, please text me to at least let me know you are still alive. You probably don't believe me, but I love you more than life itself."

As I sat on the bed trying to think about what to do next I decided to download "Bitch" so I could listen to the whole song. Of course I had to turn my phone back on and it was filled with texts and phone messages from Meredith. I ignored the voicemails, but did read her latest text. I sent a brief reply simply saying, "I am alive, but I do not want to talk yet. It hurts too much. Tell James and Mary that I love them."

I didn't think I could hurt more until I read Meredith's comment about 'finding out this way.' It made me think that perhaps she was never the woman I thought she was?

"I hate the world today.

You're so good to me I know but I can't change

I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet."

"Jesus Christ, did my wife write this song?"

"I can understand how you'd be confused.

I don't envy you because I am a little bit of everything all rolled into one."

The one smart thing I did was to stop drinking. My being drunk wasn't going to help anything. I did plan to stay away for several days to sort out my feelings, so I planned to go to the house in the morning after everyone was gone to pack some clothes. The kids were in school at 8 AM and Meredith went straight to work from there.

I tried to get some sleep but it didn't come very easily. I thought a lot about when we were first married. I always thought that I would have a marriage like my parents. You know the working man who provides for the family while the mother stays home and raises the kids. But my marriage was never like that.

In fact before we got married Meredith was afraid that she would lose herself. She didn't want to be just a wife or mother. She told me that she wanted to make certain that she maintained her individuality. One of the things we agreed upon was to keep both our last names. Before getting married I felt that couples with hyphenated last names were a little strange. However, it made Meredith happy and in the end it didn't mean anything to me.

As our marriage matured I came to realize that she was much more complicated than me. Aren't all women? With men, we quit evolving when we are about 12 years old. We get fatter and hairier, but at 12 what you see is what you get for the rest of our lives.

She was always curious to do new things and go places she had never been. She is very gregarious and is constantly pushing my comfort envelope. When we were out in social settings Meredith tended to flirt a lot. But I always felt it was harmless. When a guy asked her to dance, she never asked my permission. It was either yes or no. If she wanted to dance she got up and on the dance floor without even looking at me. On the other hand I never once saw her do anything inappropriate. When she returned, she always gave me a quick kiss. I admit it bothered me at first, but after awhile it seemed normal for her. Maybe I should have paid more attention.

Meredith also had male friends. I know I am old fashioned but I feel that married people can't have friends of the opposite sex. Its one thing in a business environment, but Meredith would tell me once a month or so that she was going to lunch with a guy from work on a Saturday. Again it bothered me at first; but she would also go out with one of her girlfriends often. And, she always went to restaurants that we frequented as a family. That's hardly the habit of a cheater?

"So take me as I am. This may mean you have to be a stronger man.

Rest assured when I start to make you nervous and I am going to extreme,

Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing."

Meredith did indeed make me nervous, often. She pushed me to start my own business. In fact it really isn't fair to call it my business. It is as much hers as mine. She actually got us a loan and convinced her parents to lend us some money so we could start it up. She also was the book keeper/office manager until we could afford to hire Julie. Despite being pregnant with James she actually worked in the shop doing oil changes, tire mountings, etc. She was the one that talked me into buying the property next door so we could eventually expand the business. I once told her that I never knew she liked doing auto repairs and she replied, "I don't really, but I love helping you. I would do anything for you."

You must be relived to see the softer side.

I can understand how you'd be so confused.

The song was now consistently intruding into my head. I know everyone gets a song stuck in their mind every now and then, but this was different. It was like the artist was talking directly to me, but what was she trying to tell me?

I still couldn't sleep as I thought more about our sex life. I would have thought that if she was cheating on me that our sex life would have suffered. One of the guys at work who recently got divorced after he found out his wife had a lover told me that he hadn't had sex with his wife for 4 months before he discovered her infidelity.