I Wish I Had Never Met Him Pt. 02

At first, Davina was very protective about the diaries, in fact when she found them, she would not even let me look at them at all. I just knew that a pile of notebooks were Carol's Diaries. Davina and I had a major argument about Carol's privacy and keeping my memories. John and Maggie, my other two children thought that it was up to me to do what I wanted.

I had to know, I knew that I might be upset remembering the good times that I was sure Carol would recount but knowing her more clearly would help me come to terms with her lost. Davina, John and Maggie said to remember that Carol loved me and stayed with me for 30 years, she was married to me for 27 years.

As I started through the diaries, the first revelation was that she had actually slept with Ian before going out with me. That hurt, she started our relationship on a lie and continued it all the way through our marriage. I trusted her completely, I told her everything, and yet she was willing to lie at the start of our relationship and continue to stick to that all the way through our marriage.

The next revelation was that she actually just saw me as a boring, safe person to take home to her mum and dad, she didn't actually fancy me to begin with. That didn't do my ego any good. Then I found out that she slept with someone back home, while going out with me but before she slept with me. I was just her safety net.

I tried to put that past me and thing that at the beginning of our relationship, perhaps Carol was testing the waters, we were quite young at 18/9 at the time but still the lies from then rankled with me.

Then when we did sleep together, Carol didn't think that I was actually that great. She even went to talk to Ian about how come he was better in bed than me. He suggested that she found the buzz of being naughty meant that she didn't enjoy the sex as much or that I was just crap in bed. Carol said that I was better than the guy from back home, but that it wasn't exciting. Now I was thinking, did she want to try out some other people to see if they were better? Could I trust her about anything in our lives at that time?

These revelations were still hurting me when the diaries took a turn for the worst. For me, treating people with respect is always important, looking after your family is always important, being honest is always important. Carol's lack of honesty was clawing at my soul.

In our second year at college, we moved in together, and were sharing a house with David and that I thought was a great time. However, once when I was back in Cumbria, Carol met Ian and him and two of his mates fucked her. Carol loved it, she revelled in the secrecy of fucking someone behind my back and lusted after their cocks. One of the guys was on my course and I thought he was an arrogant bastard, on the Monday, he had wasted no time before bragging about the gangbang and I had just ignored him, believing that it was just his normal bragging because he didn't name Carol, he just talked about fucking a slut with a boyfriend. At the time, I didn't think that Carol would do that to me.

Carol seemed to get a buzz out of pushing the limits of our relationship and in her diary, she admitted that Ian encouraged her to do more outrageous things. She thought that Ian was right with his suggestion that she got a buzz from cheating on me and that if she was single, it would not be the same. Carol was then stuck in her own mind of deciding whether to be honest with me, that she didn't fancy me that much or to continue to play around. She ended up having about a dozen one-night stands, either at home or when I was away.

Just after Christmas, this year I had a teaching practice in South Leeds and had a really tough class, which usually didn't happen with sixth form, with one individual, Sean, who was just about to leave school, who wanted to see how far he could push things. On several occasions he came very close to being kicked out for his behaviour. Fortunately the teaching practice ended successfully and I was able to forget about the school and the students. However, just before Easter, Carol and I were in town having a drink and Sean and some of his older friends came in the pub. I just got up to go, because I didn't want a fight, there were no upside of having a confrontation, or so I thought. Carol just went to the toilet before we left, so I waited outside for her, but Carol seemed to take a long time, so I went to look for her.

When I went back in, she was talking to Sean and his friends. I persuaded her to leave, so that I would not have to worry about a fight, however, later that evening we had an argument about standing up to Sean and Carol stormed off without me. Carol arrived home a couple of hours after me and we had great make up sex. Reading her diaries about that night was painful, she was pissed off about the way that I behaved and thought that I should have stood up for myself more. After we argued, she was just going around town still angry and bumped into Ian and he told her she was beautiful and that guys flirt with her because she looked so sexy and Carol could imagine how much she enjoyed flirting with Sean and she loved the buzz from cheating on me, particularly with someone I disliked.

Carol went back to the pub, Sean was still there but had his eyes on another girl, so Carol put a lot of effort into flirting with Sean and he played her brilliantly and he ended up just fucking her in the street just around the corner from the pub. When we fucked when she got home, I hadn't realised that she had already fucked someone that night. I wasn't looking for it. Carol was quite pitiful about my efforts in bed and planned to fuck Sean again. Once Carol described fucking Sean in our bed and he was slagging me off for being useless in bed and Carol said that it was the best orgasm that she had ever had. In fact, after they fucked one time and Sean was getting set to leave, Asad, one of the people we shared a house with arrived home and Sean still flirted with Carol and she flirted back. Carol knew that Asad wasn't going to say a thing and loved being so slutty. In her diaries, all I could see was Carol talking about how much she enjoyed fucking people that I dislike.

I really despise her now, to be such a slut and to treat me with that much contempt. I had to read more and see if she had changed what she thought of me. Carol in one passage said that she didn't understand why she stayed with me and treated me so badly but when she calmed down after fucking someone, she thought that I was a safety net who wouldn't do anything dangerous and she loved the risk and the danger. Carol had a split personality and loved the safety of life with me, but loved the excitement of fucking around. So Carol continued to fuck around while at college, and right under my own eyes but I was too blind to see. Carol only came when fucking people that would upset me if I found out because the other guy was a rival in some way or I disliked, if she fucked someone that had no connection with me, then it was not the same.

In our final year at college, according to her diaries, Carol decided that she wanted to settle down and realising that I was going to qualify and become a teacher the following year and so would be on the good career path. I had often declared my love for Carol, but when she broached marriage, I said that we were too young. So Carol decided to that if she was pregnant that I would automatically propose, so she came off the pill. She still fucked around, but I didn't know but a month later, Carol told me that she was pregnant and what should we do about it? Carol knew that I was only ever going to say one thing and she quickly accepted. We then had a summer wedding, just after we graduated, but before Carol was fully showing.

At the wedding Carol seemed to have a really great time. Reading her diaries told me a different story. Carol wanted to be naughty but knew that she couldn't without risking too much, so, after being put up to it by Ian, set up my elder brother's partner with Jordan. I remember the next morning that my brother was still hungover and didn't remember much from the night before, his partner seemed as fragile. Now I know why. After the wedding, his partner visited us a couple of times to see how Carol was I thought, but now I realise that Carol set her up to fuck Jordan regularly. My brother and his partner broke up within 6 months of the wedding, they had been together for 10 years and lived together, they even talked about getting married in the run up to my wedding.

Carol seemed to settle into the life of being a loving wife and mother brilliantly, but from her diaries, told a different tale. We still lived in the student area, where we had lived for the past couple of years. Some of the neighbours were jocks and a pain in the neck, trying to work full time and with a young child meant that I had several arguments with the neighbours about partying in the middle of the week. Once I took John to Cumbria for a weekend to give Carol a break and she went out with some friends around where we lived. Carol bumped into Ian and was chatting away with him, when a couple of the neighbours came over and complained about my attitude. Carol went on to full flirt mode and Ian encouraged her to carry on. Carol bragged in her diaries that she would do anything to cut down on the parties and when one of the jocks suggested that she fucked them, Carol took them back to our home and fucked them over the rest of the weekend, and for the next three months, when we moved elsewhere Carol gleefully opened her legs to these jocks. Once when I had an argument with one of the jocks, they bragged about fucking Carol, but I thought that it was just an attempt to get me to lose my temper. How trusting I was.

The last two times that Carol was a slut, Ian was around again. Once after Jordan's funeral, we met up at the wake. Jordan's half-brother Adrian was there, he had just been released from prison and seemed the opposite from Jordan in that he played up the Scouse gangster persona perfectly. I thought that his attitude, since it was the opposite of Jordan's, was awful and after a few drinks, I made a few stupid remarks about Adrian. Next thing Carol was storming off because I was being a dickhead and I was being put in a taxi by David and Ian, with David taking me home before more harm was done. Carol stayed and then went back to Adrian's hotel and he fucked her for the rest of the day. When Carol got home the next day, I was already at work and the kids at school, so she didn't talk about the day before and where she had been. I didn't bring it up because I was feeling guilty about my behaviour and I assumed that she stayed at friends or a hotel. A couple of days later Adrian was at our home and I thought that Carol had got in touch with him so that I could apologizes. This I did and thought that that was the last I would see of Adrian, and it was the last I saw of him. He continued to fuck Carol for the next six months, the longest that she carried on with a grudge fuck. Carol enjoyed describing each of the times that she fucked him and a couple of times he organised a gangbang for her. Adrian called her a tramp and told her to get a tramp stamp and she did, a smiley face on her lower back.

The last time Carol was a slut, was the year before Ian's death. About 15 years ago, my brother John, after who we named our eldest son, and I had a major argument over the family farm. I wanted my father to keep farming it, while John thought that he should sell the farm and retire and give us some of the profit from selling it. He was looking at using the money to buy a bigger house for his family. My father didn't sell and John was really pissed off that he could not buy a bigger house. I didn't think about the argument again and we drifted apart as brothers as we got on with life, but I would do nothing to upset John and assumed that he would be the same. Moving on until 4 years ago, Carol was at a three day teacher's conference in London, where John now lives, and she was in a bar with other staff at the conference, when Ian walked in. Ian saw her and went across to join her. He was his usual charming self, but was provocative suggesting that she looked for someone who would piss off me to fuck.

Carol remembered all the previous fucks and the buzz that she got from that and tried to think who she could fuck. Ian then asked about John, because he remembered about the falling out, it had come up at Jordan's funeral and Ian was wondering if it had been mended. Carol loved that idea and set up a meeting with John for the following day, she was on a cloud in anticipation because she had not cheated for a while and it seemed that I didn't have enemies to fuck anymore, but here was John and she was so looking forward to it. John was actually not that interested in fucking Carol, not until she lied and suggested that I set up his previous girlfriend with Jordan. This really upset him that I could do that to him, so he thought that fucking Carol would be one way of getting back, he also told her that he wanted to film her sucking his cock and fucking him. Carol loved this idea because it took her sluttishness to a new level. After fucking him for the first time, Carol continued to fuck John for the next month, when he made regular trips to Leeds, without ever seeing me. John then broke it off and this disappointed Carol who was loving her grudge fucks.

I thought about my friends, had none of them seen anything? Why had they not told me? So I called David, he had known us the longest and he surprised me with his answer. Yes he knew that Carol had cheated on me, but he thought that I knew and just didn't want to talk about it. He reminded me that on my stag do, Asad had suggested that Carol was cheating and I refused to believe him and I sent him away with a flea in his ear and told him he was not welcome at the wedding if he believed that Carol was like that. David thought that Carol was so obviously cheating that I had to know and it was part of our relationship, but we just wouldn't admit it to others. He thought that it was wrong and that is why his wife had nothing to do with Carol. I demanded to know, what about Ian and again he thought that I knew what Ian was like, even at Jordan's funeral, I was happy to leave Carol with Ian. My actions seemed to tell David that I went along with Carol's cheating. I then realised that there had been signs all the way along, but I had not noticed them, either because I was not looking or, more honestly, I refused to look. Was I in denial, was I too trusting or did I just not have the mindset to behave live Carol and therefore I could see the evidence right in front of me?

I talked to my children, and they are all my children, Carol tested John about 10 years ago and Carol showed no signs of having affairs, in her diaries, around the time Davina and Maggie were born. Davina told me that Carol loved doing dangerous things if she thought that she had a safety net because then they were not that dangerous but she needed that safety net. Carol once confessed to her that she had never lust after me, but was comfortable with me. She actually thought that if I found out that she having an affair, I would forgive her, I love her so much. We discussed burning the diaries but now my children wanted to read them.

Reading the diaries made me see how fucked up Carol was, this was not the loving person that I had known for the past 30 years. She had been a slut and a horrible person to me and I felt sullied. But one thing that nagged at me, all the way through, when Carol started to behave like a slut, Ian was around telling her to do it; whenever she pushed the boundaries, Ian was around telling her to do it; whenever she craved this buzz, Ian was around telling her to do it. He was the agent provocateur and I could not understand why he did it. I fucking hate that bastard, he manipulated her just for his own enjoyment. If I had never met Ian, perhaps our lives would have been different, Carol and I might have met and just decided not to have a relationship.

But am I being too harsh on Ian to take some of the guilt away from Carol? I still wish I had never met the bastard.