I was a Slut

It hurts when I pull back the curtains and look out my front window, but I want to see my family and to remind myself of the consequences of bad choices. My ex-husband lives across the street. His house has a pool. I can't refuse our boys to go there and have fun. We have no formal schedule of visits. My ex-husband and I talk frequently about what is on the schedule for the boys each day and decide who takes them where and when as well as who is feeding them and when. That's about all we talk about together.

I see the boys have started inviting girls over. Their testosterone must be peaking. They are showing off with their funny dives and big splashes. It appears to be working. The girls are giggling. Girls? They are only 13 or 14 years-old but their bodies look older. I hope Rob has had 'the talk' with the boys. Someone may need to have the talk with him. That fitness instructor, since she is over 40, she is an old woman to the boys, looks terrific in her bikini, if that's what it is. I am thinking of the old analogy to dental floss being larger than what she has on. Am I exaggerating? Probably. Do I sound jealous? Hell yes, I'm jealous.

Our kids technically live with me since I have primary custody, but I don't have a pool. They usually sleep and eat here. Most of their clothes are here. The boys are used to being at the house across the street. The family that previously lived there were close friends and had two children, a boy and a girl, about the same age as our boys. The kids practically lived at both houses. Misty and Carl James were close to being surrogate parents to our kids. More than one person thought Misty and Carl had four kids. Sound like we had a good life? We did. So, what went wrong?

The answer is: I became a slut. That is definitely not a statement of pride. It's just a simple fact. Now, I wasn't a slut for very long. Just long enough to ruin my life and hurt my family. It's taken many sessions of therapy to come to grasp with what I did and, more importantly, why I did it. Telling you my story is supposed to help me. Maybe it will help someone prevent them from suffering what happened to me and my family.

My name is Susan Lawrence. I was married to Rob Lawrence. We have two boys, David and Eli, now 13 and 14 respectively. I actually made use of my English Literature degree by working for a publisher as an assistant editor. Rob ran his own security business for homes and offices. We were married for almost 20 years although the first four years were spent seeing each other between deployments. He was a MP in the Army.

We had met on a blind date. I was attractive enough to get my own dates, but Amy needed someone for her boyfriend's friend. My girlfriend, Amy, was dating a MP who was trying to convince his buddy Rob to join up. Although Amy and her boyfriend did not wind up getting married, my friendship with Rob blossomed. Knowing he was about to join up, the future of our relationship was put on a fast track. We wanted to make the big decision one way or another before he had to ship out. We got married.

Rob and I agreed on most everything: politics, religion, children and fidelity included. The glow of marriage kept me from being tempted during the time I was waiting by myself even though I had several active suitors. Rob re-upped after his first two year stretch because of the re-enlistment bonus. It made a big difference in our ability to set up our household. It was hard on our relationship, but we made it.

Soon after Rob was discharged, we decided to start having children. I had been working for four years and he had a job with a home security company upon discharge. My firm was willing to let me work out of our home for the last part of my pregnancy and the first few months after. Before long, we had two little toddlers a year apart. Life was good, busy but good.

Once the boys were in school, I worked more at the office. When the security company Rob worked for decided to sell out to one of the bigger national firms, Rob started getting the idea that he could run his own security business. His father fronted him the start-up money. I was scared because of the financial risk, but I believed in my husband. His departure from his job was amicable and a couple of guys told Rob to call them when his business got large enough to need more staff.

We scrimped and sacrificed for about five years before the business really started taking off. Ironically, the impetus for the growth was the increased desire for equipment that allowed people to spy on their supposedly cheating spouses. I continued in my job. I loved it. Although I did not get many promotions at work, I did get nice annual raises. The editing business was strong as it seemed everyone had a book they 'had' to write. I loved to read, and it mattered to have my opinion valued. I made a lot of books better although I rejected a lot more than I made better. Now, I have to come believe that was when I started developing an inflated value of who I was vis-à-vis my husband.

Neither Rob nor I expressed any serious complaints about our life. Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube versus the end of the tube was about as serious an argument as we had. Our friendship, our sharing of chores, our finances, our parenthood duties, and our sex life was satisfactory to excellent. Since things were so well, we settled into a routine. I failed to realize how dangerous that could be.

The problem I had with Rob came very gradually. By the time we were taking each other for granted, my attitude had become increasingly negative: How come I am the only one washing the dishes? How come he or the boys get to choose where to eat out at? How come he never says sweet things like he did when he was courting me? How come I only get acknowledged on my birthday, Mother's Day, Valentine's, and Christmas? How come we always have sex the same way? These were some of the many ways I began denigrating my marriage. But I only presented my questions to myself. I never brought the issues up to Rob. In my mind, if he really loved me as much as I loved him, he would see what was wrong. HE would do something about it. Why was it just up to me to fix our problems? My resentment festered. I became depressed, but I kept performing my role in the house. I had a routine that I came to see as a rut I was stuck in. No one seemed to notice a change in me.

I turned more and more to my job for my happiness. When I was happy with my home life, I didn't think much of the personal compliments I got at my office. Now, I sought them out and treasured them. I started to dress more provocatively (I called it more stylish when my husband noticed my wardrobe change). Comments, looks, and flirting at the office increased and I loved it. Someone was paying attention to me, just me.

Then I made the decision that turned my life upside-down. Hal, my boss, and I were working on getting a book ready to publish. The deadline was almost impossible. We realized we would have to work late Thursday night to be able to submit the final manuscript on Friday. This was a legitimate working late scenario. One reason I didn't mind working late was that Hal was one of my strongest admirers and flirting partners. It didn't hurt he was a handsome man even though he was married. But, heck, so was I.

When we finished up, Hal exclaimed, "I'm afraid I have messed up your dinner plans at home."

"Don't worry. On Thursday nights, Rob has food, meaning pizza, delivered. He and the boys watch the college Thursday night football game. They don't even notice if I'm there or gone."

Hal got serious, "If you were my wife, I'd never not notice if you were there or not. Forgive my double negative."

I felt a jolt in my heart. I was flattered. I was turned on. I stumbled in saying, "Thanks. Sometimes I don't feel appreciated by my family." Why did I tell him that?

"Please let me take you to dinner to make up for you missing yours."

I agreed and we went somewhere not far away from the office. It was a seafood place and we went through a bottle and a half of wine before we decided we had to leave. The meal had gone by pleasantly. We told each other about our home lives and laughed about the things that only come up with teen and pre-teen kids. We both expressed some lack of spark with our spouses. I think we both realized the dangerous path we were taking, but we both kept walking down it.

Hal dropped me off at my car. It seemed like a first date, so I kissed him thanks. The kiss lasted well beyond a 'thanks' kiss and too far into a 'bedroom' kiss. When we broke apart, we looked at each other with a 'what did we just do' look. I'm sure we both knew this was not the only time we would kiss.

As I drove home, I could not get Hal, the kiss, and the possibilities of things to come off my mind. The experience was so different from and so much more exciting than what had been going on day after boring day at home. It had been almost 20 years since I had kissed another man. I began to get scared. Will my enjoyment of my time with Hal be detected by Rob? Could I legitimately say that 'nothing had really happened.' It would be true from a physical standpoint as we each had several friends where kisses were given in 'hellos' and 'good-byes.' The something that had happened was, so far, just in my emotional reaction.

I entered the house and I could hear the ballgame going on in the den where the big screen TV was. I yelled, "I'm home." I'm not sure what they yelled back other than asking if I wanted some pizza. "No, thanks I caught a bite at a fast-food place."

Why did I lie about that? At the time, I thought 'Oh well.' In hindsight, I think I was starting to ease into a mentality that would make me more accepting of lying to my husband.

I left the boys (husband included) to their ballgame and went to bed. It was difficult to sleep, but the excitement of the kiss from Hal had died down. I was almost fast asleep when Rob came literally bouncing into bed. "Hey babe, the Wildcats won! What are my chances of scoring with you tonight?"

"Good grief! How old are you? I have to work tomorrow. Now leave me alone."

Rob did not say anything, but he left the bed and bedroom. I still felt angry with him for a few minutes, then I felt guilty about being too harsh. I couldn't get motivated enough by my guilt to get up and go apologize. I settled into my pillow with hopes of dreaming of Hal. I should have realized that once you start down the cheating trail, you cannot help but change the way you act with the ones who have been trusting you.

When I awoke a little late the next morning, I saw no sign that Rob had slept in our bed. I went into the guestroom and saw evidence he had spent the night in there. Hurrying downstairs to get breakfast for the boys, I saw them at the kitchen table eating breakfast.

"Hi, mom. Dad said to let you sleep. He made us breakfast before he left for work."

I went over to get a cup of coffee. "I needed the extra sleep after having to work late last night." I recognized I was trying to justify the time I was away from home even though no one was questioning me about it. I felt like both a prosecuting attorney and a defense attorney were battling in my mind.

Soon the boys were out the door to wait for the bus. I finished getting ready for work. I deliberately chose one of my older, more conservative outfits. I guess I was trying to make amends for my recent soliciting of extra-marital attention. I felt I needed to hide what I had done. A less sexy dress would help. There was a great deal of anticipation on my part when I arrived at work. I avoided Hal before our 11:00 manuscript meeting with the senior editor.

Hal and I presented the manuscript we had finished last night. The editor had several questions. Our meeting ran over the lunch hour, so it seemed natural for Hal and I to go to lunch together. I think I knew what was going to happen when Hal chose the restaurant at the Golden Tree Hotel although they did have one of the better restaurants in town. We broke a company rule and had wine with our meal. For the first hour, we talked business mostly. When it became time to return to our office, Hal said that we probably should not go back with 'wine breath.' With the manuscript turned in, neither of us had much to do. With my consent, he called the office and told them we would not be back today.

After the call, I asked, "So, what do we do with the rest of the afternoon?" Having a conservative dress on did not prevent the slut inside from coming out. I blamed the wine.

Hal suggested, "Why don't we continue what we started last night in one of the rooms here?"

This was it: the moment of truth. It seemed I was floating outside of my wife and mother body watching the promiscuous woman in my seat say, "Okay." OMG my out-of- body-self realized, I just agreed to commit adultery. And I did. It was exciting primarily because it was a different man. I had a couple of orgasms and he seemed pleased, but I began to feel guiltier as the afternoon went on. He seemed to notice so I lied about how wonderful it was. He asked about us continuing to do this on an ongoing basis. I told him that would be terrific, but I could not take the chance of getting caught. I said we should just leave it as a one-time fantastic time together never to be repeated. He was disappointed but agreed. I'm sure he felt he would be able to change my mind later. He may have been right. I wasn't that sure myself.

When we came out of the elevator, I was sure every eye was on me and everyone knew what we had done. I hurried to his car and was greatly relieved to get to my own car parked at work. That's when the flood came. I cried and cried over my indiscretion. I had betrayed my husband. I had risked my marriage. I had endangered the future of my family. All for some mediocre sex with another man. After my cry, I drove home. I was unsure of what to do.

I arrived home earlier than normal and started doing chores. I needed something, anything to get my mind off what I had done. I had to keep Rob from finding out. I had to save my marriage. I had to pretend nothing had happened. But, I was only fooling myself.

As soon as I saw Rob come in the house, I broke down crying.

"Sus, what's the matter? What happened? Are the boys okay?"

Between sobs I blurted out: "They're okay. It's me that's in trouble."

"In trouble, did you lose your job? Have an accident? Now, now, I'm sure it's something we can figure out together. It can't be that bad."

"Oh yes it can. Rob, I slept with another man." As I reached for Rob to hold me, he backed away.

"You WHAT?"

"I has sex with another man. I don't love him. I only love you. Please forgive me. It will never happen again."

"It was not supposed to happen THE FIRST TIME, or is this not the first time?"

"It was the first, only and last time. I promise. I promise."

"I believe I remember you promised that at our wedding. Sorry, your promises don't mean much anymore." His neck got red with hives which only occurred at times of great stress. "I need to get out of here for a while. Don't call me."

"Please don't leave me. I'll just die."

"If I stay, you might die." Rob began walking out the door.

His words sent a chill down my spine. I knew about Rob's time as a MP and his knowledge of restraints. Those restraints could also be used to kill. Physically, it would be easy for him.

I fed the boys and gave them permission to go across the street and swim with their friends. I didn't even bother to call Carl and Misty. Our kids had a standing invitation at both houses. I used the time to figure out what I could do to convince Rob not to divorce me.

When the boys returned home and Rob was still not back, I told the boys he was called out on a security job out of town and might not be back tonight. They accepted what I said and went to bed. They stayed up playing video games since there was no school tomorrow. I stayed up playing games in my head like "What do I do if I become a single mom?" and "Will Rob want to get even or revenge?" and "Will he try to do something to Hal?" Oh shit, I didn't think about Hal's wife and kids. Well, neither did he. Surely Rob will not get himself in trouble and risk losing time with his kids.

I had a harder time explaining why Rob had not come home all weekend. Luckily, the boys played with the other kids almost all the time. Evidently Rob used the time to figure out that Hal was probably my one-time lover since we had worked late together Thursday night. According to Hal, Rob showed up Monday at our office and asked to see him. I didn't go to work Monday, because of my continued distress.

Hal told me later that Rob seemed calm. Rob said he wanted to apologize for his wife having seduced him and hoped that it wouldn't cause problems that might prevent my future employment. Hal let down his guard and assured Rob it would not. That's all Rob needed to confirm his theory. He arose and held out his hand to Hal. When Hal reciprocated, Rob grabbed his hand and pulled Hal closer. A quick chop to his windpipe incapacitated Hal. While Hal was choking, Rob came around the desk and kicked Hal in the balls which further made it hard for Hal to breathe. Several more blows were landed before Rob stopped. He told Hal that he didn't care if Hal called the cops or not. He was telling Hal's wife about the affair and letting her hear the conversation he had just taped. Rob commented that after Hal's wife divorced him and Rob divorced me, Hal and I could fuck all we wanted.

Hal said he felt he might as well call the police since Rob was going to tell his wife. Rob was at Hal's house when Hal called from the hospital. He was hoping to brief his wife first, but Rob had already done so. She told him not to bother coming home. The police picked Rob up at Hal's house and he offered no resistance. He went to jail on aggravated assault charges.

I visited Rob in jail and offered to pay his bail. He refused saying it was a start on each of us learning how to take care of ourselves. I asked him, "What about the boys?"

He replied, "You should have thought of that before you decided to become a slut. I had to live with it growing up. It will be tough on them, but I made it. Don't worry, they've got the balls to do it." That was part of Rob's home life I had no previous knowledge of.

Rob pled guilty. He tried to stop his public defender lawyer from using my and Hal's adultery as a mitigating factor. He didn't mind jail. He got 18 months, but only had to serve six.

It was a hard six months for me and the boys. I almost never saw them because they knew I had cheated on their dad. And they always had a home across the street. I did not file for divorce because I didn't want to be divorced. When Rob returned from prison, we didn't talk about my cheating or the reasons why or whether or not I loved Hal more than him. Instead we talked about what was best for the boys. I was pleasantly surprised he agreed to stay in the house for the sake of the boys. He would stay in his den, sleep on the sofa bed and use the downstairs bathroom. I didn't even dare question if we might have a sex life again. I knew the answer.

What actually brought about our formal divorce was that Carl got transferred to another state. Their house went up for sale and our kids were devastated. It seemed to stress the boys more than the problems Rob and I were having. I did not know at first that the move triggered an idea in Rob's mind.

My first indication of what he had planned was when he had me served at my office. Hal had no sympathy as he was already far into the divorce process with his wife. I had not received any warning from Rob. The petition mentioned adultery although that issue was only pertinent in a divorce to settle custody issues. He just wanted to get the dig in. I wasn't that upset. My adultery was true.