How to Eat an Elephant Ch. 12

I went to Victoria's for lunch the next day and was pleased to see so many of my old friends. We had all been very close when our boys were younger, but had drifted apart after they went off to college. I met other women who I may have seen before, but who were now clearly friends of the others. There was Vic, Sarah, Bonnie, Lisa, Susan, and Karen. They seemed to have a bond among themselves. You know how you can tell people who are close to each other - they laugh at each other's jokes, they smile a lot, they tease, they finish sentences for each other. These girls had that and I felt like something of an outsider. They welcomed me warmly, though, and made sure to include me in the conversation during lunch.

After we ate, Vic moved us into the den with a few bottles of a good Chablis. Leave it to Victoria to be the ultimate hostess - she had canapés and little desert cakes and cookies. We were having a grand time, made grander by the copious quantities of wine we consumed.

Everyone talked about their sons. That had been the general topic of conversation when the boys were younger, and it remained so now. There was a difference, though. When we were young Mothers, and especially when the boys were in high school, the conversations were always focused on the problems we were having with them. There was always something going on with those boys. They didn't study. They were rude. They were distant and unloving. You know the problems Mothers have with their sons.

At this luncheon, it was the opposite. The conversations sounded like a nominating committee for sainthood. Each Mother bragged about things her son had done for her, places he had taken her, how well he was doing, and how loving he was. I was envious, but my Ryan seemed in the past week to be coming around, so maybe I'd have things to brag about at future luncheons.

Then it hit me. This sounded like a group of high school or college girls, talking about how great their boyfriends were. Each Mother seemed to be trying to outdo whatever the previous talker had said. It was not done in a malicious way, but they seemed genuinely happy with life and their sons. They seemed, frankly, to be a bunch of women in love. I was a little confused by it.

In a pause in the conversation, Susan said, "It was so good to see you yesterday, Anne. I was really happy to see how close you and Ryan were. Girls," she said to the group in general, "they were walking around the mall holding hands." The whole group clapped.

I didn't know what to say. What was she implying? "Uh, well, uh, we were just doing some shopping."

"And you looked like you were having a good time. It's good to see a Mother and Son share a special love. Share a love that so few can understand."

I didn't know where she was going with that, but I was going to nip it in the bud. "You were holding hands with Matt, Susan, so don't be implying something. I don't like it. I don't know what you're talking about."

They all laughed! They laughed at me. I was furious. How dare they?

"What is going on, Susan? You invited me here, and then you all laugh at me? I don't appreciate it. Not a little bit." I was steamed.

Victoria leaned over and put her hand on my arm, calming me. "No, no, Anne. We're not laughing at you. We're laughing with you."

Susan quickly added, "Anne, either you're already there, or you're well on the way. Believe me, everyone here can recognize the signs."

I was still in the dark. "What are you talking about? Already where?"

Susan looked around the group. "Where? Where every one of us has been. We know where you're going, Anne, because we're there already."

"What?"

Susan and I had always been close. So Susan continued. "Anne, did you notice how happy every one of us is with our sons?"

"Sure," I said. "It was a different kind of conversation than we would have had ten years ago. Then, we couldn't complain about them enough."

"There's a commonality to what changed them, you know," Susan answered.

"No, I don't know."

Victoria sighed. "You're not seeing the forest for the trees, Anne. Think about it. Be honest with yourself. What has changed in your relationship with Ryan?

I knew what had changed, but I wasn't going to tell them. "I guess he's just older and wiser now."

"Older and wiser, or a mature man with needs and desires?," replied Susan.

I stammered. "Just more mature. That's all."

I could tell Susan was getting frustrated. She turned to the group. "Should we just tell her?" They all nodded.

"Tell me what?"

"Tell you the truth. I've known you a long time, Anne, and we're friends. What I'm going to tell you carries real danger for us, and I hope we can depend on your friendship and discretion."

"Sure, Susan. You know you can trust me."

"Okay. Here goes. We have all slept with our sons. They've changed because we changed them. Or, they changed for us. Doesn't matter. We're, each of us, euphorically happy with where we are. And, based on what Susan saw in you and Ryan, you're either there or on the way."

I gasped. I was speechless. I was kind of expecting something like that. I thought maybe they were flirting with their boys, as I was with Ryan, but I sure didn't think they were going to admit they were sleeping with them.

"Susan! I can't believe that. It's sick. It's perverted. It doesn't happen. Mothers don't do that, and I'm certainly never going to do it with Ryan."

"Why do you think it never happens? You're looking at every one of us, and we made it happen."

"It's just something you never hear about. It's creepy."

Susan sighed. "Creepy is the last thing it is. Delicious, maybe. Fulfilling, certainly. But not creepy. Look, you think it never happens because you never hear about it. Here we are, and we tell you it happens. None of us are going to give an interview to Rolling Stone magazine about it, though, so as far as anyone else knows, it didn't happen. Believe me, it happens more often than you think. We're not talking about child abuse. Of course that should never, never happen. We're talking about two consenting adults and it's just a fact of life that it does happen."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to admit that Ryan and I were probably closer to it than they suspected. Then I thought, "What the hell? They've been honest with me. I can do the same with them."

"Um, well, Ryan and I have gotten pretty close the last week. I don't know where it will end up, but I know what he wants."

Lisa nodded. "And when it happens, are you going to tell anyone about it?" She laughed. "Other than us, I mean."

"Of course not."

"There you go. We're telling you it happens, and statistically it amounts to a lot of people. Conservatively, the figures are that five to even ten percent of Mothers have some sort of sexual contact with their sons. Do the math. How many people in America? 350 million? Let's lowball it, and say it's only two percent. Two percent of 350 million is seven million. Think about that, Anne. Seven million people in America. How big is New York City?"

"Wow." That's all I could say. "But how is it that it seems everyone in our group is doing it?"

Sarah said, "I guess I started it, then got Victoria involved, and it's kind of spread from there. We call it our 'Mother's Club,' and we look for friends who need some help getting their sons on the straight and narrow. So far, it's worked well. When Susan saw you and Ryan at the mall, she just knew. She could tell, so she invited you to join us. But I think we have something else going on. Anne, if you can tell me, who started it? You, or Ryan?"

"I admit I've flirted with him. I love when he watches me do yoga, and I've dressed to attract him. But Ryan started it."

"I thought so. Tell me," said Susan. "Ryan went to the pub with Matt, didn't he?"

"Yeah, last weekend."

"Who else was there? Did he say?"

"Ryan was there. I think he mentioned Jim, Billy, Chris, and Sammy. I don't know. I didn't pay that much attention. Why?"

They all looked at each other and smiled. Bonnie said, "Sounds like the Mom's Club has a Son's Club auxiliary, doesn't it?"

"Wait. What? Are you telling me the boys talk about this? Are you saying they put Ryan up to it? That little bastard. I'll kill him!"

"Oh, grow up, Anne," said Sarah. "We talk about it. I think we need to talk about it among ourselves. It's cathartic to have someone who shares the experience, and it's just damned hot to hear how others got into it. Of course the boys talk, and I imagine it's more than a little more graphic than how we talk about it. They're men, after all."

"But still," I started to say.

"Wait. Don't judge. We think what has happened with each one of us is the most beautiful thing in the world. We want to help other Moms have the same wonderful experience. Do you not think the guys feel the same way? You're the one woman Ryan has always wanted. I'm sure when they were younger, Matt and Ryan talked about you and me. You remember the time we came out of the bedroom in our swimming suits? Their tongues were practically hanging out. So why is it so bad if Matt wanted to help Ryan get what he's always wanted?"

"I guess it's not so bad, but don't you feel a little dirty to know they talk about us that way?"

Lisa spoke then. "It's like Sarah said. They're guys. That's how guys are, you know that. What is different with them, I think, is that it's all based on love. I've seen Chris grow a lot. I knew he loved me, but in an abstract way. Now I absolutely know he loves me. He tells me he loves me. He shows me he loves me. Frankly, I don't care how it happened. I'm just glad it did."

I thought about it. "Ryan has told me he loves me more in the last few days than he's told me in the last ten years. It is good to hear."

Lisa nodded. "And it's even better to know he means it. It's even better to know how much he wants you. The love we share, Chris and I, is a natural progression of the love we always shared as Mother and Son. Society tells us it's wrong. Okay, I understand that. But in our case, it doesn't feel wrong. It feels very right."

"They have learned a lot, that's for sure," Sarah said. "They know that what they want is to, well, if I can say it, fuck us. They have learned that what we want is for them to love us. They can't get what they want if they don't give us what we want. I think that's a pretty good life lesson for relationships in general. You can't, or you shouldn't, fake love and I think my boys understand that. But when you love sincerely, you can get what you want. It's a win-win thing, I think."

I looked at her. "Wait. Are you saying all three of your boys?"

It was Sarah's turn to blush. "Yep. All three." She held her head up proudly. "I have a love with each of my sons that is beyond understanding, except to you girls." She looked around. Everyone was smiling at her. I was impressed by the sense of Sisterhood that existed between them. Each one of them had taken a huge, dangerous step, and each one had support of the others for it.

Susan jumped in. "How far along are you, Anne?"

I blushed. I didn't want to tell them, but I had already admitted a lot. "Um, we've been kissing. I let him have my breasts."

"And when he put his mouth on your breasts, it was the most beautiful feeling you've had in decades, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yeah. I wanted him to do it. When he finally did, it was like I couldn't get enough of it."

"I think every one of us would describe it the same way," said Sarah. "For me, it seemed like the most natural thing. I gave him my breasts when he was a baby, and that was for nourishment. Now I give my breasts for sex, and it feels even better, in a different sort of way."

I nodded. It did.

Susan touched my arm. "So what now?"

I snickered. "I don't know if we'll end up there or not, but I'm going to make him pay for trying to trick me like this."

Everyone laughed, and then Karen spoke up. "As much fun as that would be, I would recommend against it. Maybe he was encouraged by the boys, but he didn't do anything he hasn't wanted to do since he grew hair down there. You're in the middle of a beautiful process. Don't mess it up by trying to one-up him. Just let it be. Now that you understand what's going on, I think you should enjoy it."

I thought about it. What Karen said made sense. I was hurt, at first, by knowing that Ryan had coaching on how to seduce me, but the more I considered it, the more I understood.

"What about their fathers? Do any of your husbands suspect? Think how dangerous that is," I asked.

They looked around at each other, and someone laughed out loud. Victoria said, "Mine is absolutely clueless, I think. Bill and I are very careful, of course, but let's be honest. If you're going to have an affair, who better than your own son? Who would suspect that? It's like the purloined letter, hiding in plain sight. Besides," and she laughed, "I think my husband would be the last to be able to accuse me of something. I've always thought he wanted his Mother."

Vic laughed, too. "Mine can hardly keep his hands off his Mom's butt. He thinks I don't notice, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's not something going on there, now that I know what signs to look for. And you know what? I don't care. How could I criticize someone for finding the same love I've found?"

Sarah, who seemed to be kind of the godmother of the group, said, "We've joked about it, but how delicious would it be to help your mother-in-law bed her son?"

That broke the group up. Everyone was laughing and agreeing. After the laughter died down, Susan turned to me. "But Anne, what are you going to do? You said you've already engaged in sexual activities with Ryan. Are you going to give him what he wants?"

"Yeah. I guess I am. God help me, but I guess I am. What should I expect him to do next?"

Sarah said, "That depends on you. If you've noticed, he probably has been careful to let you make the decision every time. That's a good thing. When he has tried something, I'll bet he backed off if you objected to it. If you've let him at your breasts, I assume you've been kissing him, right?"

"Yeah. The first kiss with him was delicious. Probably the best kiss I've ever had."

A chorus of agreement sounded. "That's what I thought, too," said Karen. "The best kiss I've ever had."

Sarah continued. "He'll try to keep pushing it. I will give you some advice. Things are going to get pretty hot, so you have to be careful not to take risks at home. If you can get him away from the house to a more private place, you can let things take their own course. The last thing you want to do is let your emotions take charge, let things get out of hand, and have an irate husband walk in and catch you. Maybe you should consider having a talk with him, get things out in the open, and set up some rules. You're still his Mom, remember, so you're in charge."

"I don't know how I could do that. Ryan leaves this weekend. It may not happen before he leaves. I don't see how it can, really. I don't want it to be rushed. I want to be able to take a long time, without pressure or fear of getting caught"

Sarah nodded, and smiled. "You've already been thinking about this, haven't you?"

I had been thinking about it. I had come to the same conclusion that Sarah had - the last thing I wanted was to get caught up in the heat of the moment and get caught. I returned home that afternoon, and Ryan wasn't there. I was disappointed. He had said he was going to get together with Matt and some of the guys. "God," I wondered. "Wouldn't I love to be a fly on that wall?"

Ryan got home within a few minutes and came bounding into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom. You hens get a lot of grain to eat?"

That was funny and I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, we had corn and millet. It was pretty good."

"What do you girls talk about when you're together like that?"

"Probably about the same things you talk about."

Ryan blushed. He had no idea that we had been talking about exactly the same thing he and his buds had been discussing.

"What do you guys talk about? Girls? School? Work? Politics?"

"Yeah, mostly," he said. He walked over to me and took me in his arms, bending down to kiss me on the lips.

I made no effort to resist him, but gave myself fully to his kiss. It had started with him holding my face, and he slowly slid his hands down my back to rest on my butt. He pulled me against him, and I thrilled at the feel of his erection against my stomach. I always knew he liked my butt and could only imagine what a thrill is was for him to be able to hold me like that.

He slid his right around around to my front and cupped my pussy, rubbing it gently through my pants. He moaned in my mouth. I now knew what Sarah had been talking about. This was going pretty fast and if I didn't get control of it, we'd be in bed when his father got home.

I pushed him away. "That's why I think we need to have a talk, Ryan."

"Talk?," he stammered. Ever the clever one, my son. Had a response for everything.

"Yes, a talk. Let's go in the den and sit down."

He followed me in and we sat together on the couch. I took his hand and rested it on my thigh. "I think I know what you want, Ryan. Believe it or not, I think I want the same thing. But it's wrong. You have to understand that. What you want is something that just doesn't happen."

"What I want is to love you, Mom, totally and completely. I wanted you when I was a boy. I'm a man now, and I want you even more. I can't help it. I just do." My son had grown up a lot.

"Honey, I know. I've always known. But what would people think if we got caught? Can you imagine? I'd end up divorced, and probably couldn't find a hole deep enough to hide in."

"That's it, isn't it? We can't be caught. No one can ever know. What goes on between us will be our secret."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. Yeah, our secret, shared with his friends and mine. At least with them we could expect our secret to remain sacred. I hoped, anyway. I had always been honest with Ryan and had taught him to always be honest with me, so I let it out. "Our secret? Or our secret, shared with your friends?"

He looked like he was going to cry, and hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. "No, no, Honey. It's okay. I was hurt at first that you had been talking about me with them, but now I understand. What do you think I just spent two hours talking about with their Mothers?"

The relief on his face was visible. "You mean, you know?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I know."

"Mom, I never will hurt you. I didn't bring it up. Matt was telling me how close he was with Susan now, and before I knew it everyone was admitting the same thing. They're all sleeping with their Moms. I thought they were spoofing me at first, but I think it's true."

"Oh, it's true. I can tell you from the other side, it's true. The Moms seem to be pretty happy with it. They have their sons' complete love."

"That's what I want with you, Mom. I've always loved you, but when I started to understand sex and all that, it seemed like how I loved you hit a wall. Now I want to get through that wall and love you completely."

I kissed him. "I feel the same way. You were always glued to me and then you entered a period when you pulled away. I miss how we used to be. You were always me best buddy."

"So are you saying we can?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm not saying, one way or another. I don't know. I want it, maybe not as much as you think you do, but you might be surprised. But as I said, look at the risk. That will be a big step. We'll never be the same again. We'll always have a shared secret. I've watched you with girls, Ryan. After you get what you want, you start looking for an exit plan. I couldn't stand it if you did that to me. I just couldn't stand it." I didn't want to, but I started crying.