Finding the Perfect Fit Pt. 17

I woke up early needing to pee, finding and putting on a longer shirt so I wasn't walking around naked. That done, I took care of my business and checked the living room, finding no Donna. Peering out a window, I only saw my car parked out front, keeping the hateful cold company. Rubbing sleep out of my eyes and leaving the dead night behind, I returned to my room where Jamie was still asleep and grabbed my laptop.

Sitting on the couch, I powered my computer up and learned it was five thirty in the morning, a hour I rarely saw. But, like over Thanksgiving weekend, I was ready to write, the eye now open and wanting to transcribe what Jamie and I had done.

The writing went smoothly but by the time I had finished, thirty minutes had passed and I'd run out of steam. Saving the document, I turned the computer off and went back to my room, stripping before climbing back into the warm bed with Jamie. Having gotten the itchy demand for writing out of my system, I drifted off quickly and slept deeply.

When I reawoke, there was meager light coming through the blinds, meaning it could be any time between eight in the morning to five in the afternoon. Jamie was on his side, facing away from me and I scooted closer, molding to his slumbering form. He was wonderfully warm, a space heater of the best sort, murmuring as I brushed the curling mess of hair out of my way. Planting a kiss on his neck, I saw his eyes not yet open but something else was awake.

Running a hand over his hips, worming my body ever closer to that full butt which had bore the brunt of last night's passion, I found the heat standing to full attention. Taking the silky length in my loose grasp, I gave a few tugs and Jamie stirred, a sleepy moan that cracked as it was voiced.

"Good morning my lovely." I whispered in his ear, still giving him long, leisurely pulls like the ones he had done last night.

"Wha...?" To his credit, Jamie didn't freak out but looked over his shoulder, eyes unfocused and bleary. I didn't say anything more, as what was happening spoke for itself. As I kept stroking he might not have woken up much but his body knew what it wanted, his butt pushing into the nothing I had right now as another tired moan came out.

"That's right." I said, kissing the back of his neck. Jamie was making familiar noises now, hips bucking as he got into it. "That's right." Nothing else came to mind but the words didn't matter, only the soft, encouraging tone I used to say them. With a shudder that raced down his spine, Jamie gave a sharp exhale as I felt what was in my hand fire, making a mess sure, but feeling him let loose was fascinating. Now that I had done the male part of sex, I wanted to know more about his climax, how this pulsing prick in my hand behaved.

After a good deal of panting, Jamie rolled over, his tired but flushed face framed by serious bed head.

"Good morning to you too." We shared a kiss and he gave a groan as I retook his dick and gave the now soft thing a few strokes. "Please, no more. Not right now."

"Hmm, Jamie turned down a hand job, interesting." I said in a bad German accent, Jamie squinting as if trying to read fine print.

"Are you studying me? Is that why you wanna get a place together?" I laughed, sitting up and watching Jamie as he did the same, his boobs on full display and yep, he was checking out mine as well.

"Just figurin' out whatcha like." His dick was making a halfhearted attempt to stand and I gave it a tweak on the soft and pliable head, making both it and Jamie jump. "Besides, I'd never had a chance to play around with morning wood before. How was it?"

"Hell of a way to wake up. It's nice but uh, we made a mess." Sighing, I fell over Jamie and reached on the lower shelf of my bedside stand, finding a roll of toilet paper I kept on hand and wiped up what I could, not quite able to get the white stain fully off my red sheets. "Sorry."

"Pfft, oh no, a cum stain. No college student's ever dealt with that before!" Shaking my head, I settled back and found my phone, finding it was almost nine. "Ya work today?"

"Nope, got it off." I stuck my tongue out at him, Jamie smirking at my childish behavior.

"I go in at four so we still got some time." I wanted to say something funny but instead climbed out of bed, my bladder just now waking up. Finding the shirt I'd worn to write earlier, I pulled it on, grabbed the ball of soiled paper and deposited that in the toilet before relieving myself. That done, I passed Jamie in the little stub of a hallway as he took his turn, with me retaking my spot on the bed, waking up for once without the aid of caffeine. It was nice, a typical lazy Sunday where all responsibility was on hold.

Eyeing the stain that was going to take some effort to remove, if I ever got around to it, I wondered if this was the new normal for us: Me strapping on and giving it to him and then giving out hand or blow jobs when time didn't permit us to come here.

Jamie, in one of his over sized Metallica shirts, returned and I lined up my thoughts before speaking them, needing this to come out right.

"Hey, are ya happy with how things have been going?" Sitting down and wrapping his arms about mostly bare legs, Jamie gave me a blank look and I elaborated. "I wanna make sure that your getting whatcha want from me and I'm not being selfish by fucking ya instead of the other way around."

Taking a drink of water, Jamie attempted to get his out of control hair out of his face and failed, using a hand to keep it back in a tail as he spoke.

"I, I don't know Gen! All this is still so new to me. I'll be having a bad day, usually at work, and remember 'oh yeah, I've been laid!' and things are just a little bit better." With an amused grin, Jamie dropped a wink at me and I giggled, taken in by how sure and honest he was. "I don't regret anything we've done together." Getting up, I grabbed my brush and a few elastic ties and handed them over, still chewing on his statement.

"What, you don't believe me?" He asked, getting to work on the tangles of dark brown hair.

"No, I do!" I withdrew, searching for what I had to say and yanking it from some deep hiding place. "I'm sorta shocked at how easy I've gotten used to this, ya know? Before meeting you, I'd never seriously thought of using a strap on. But I've gotten a taste for it now and it's kinda second nature." Jamie gave his now shimmering hair a toss, capturing my attention for a second.

"Same." A hesitation, Jamie's gaze flickering to the closet. "Since meeting you the things I didn't want to accept, that had been hidden away have all come out." He smiled, eyes going sharp and sexy. "It's like some Lovecraft or King story where instead of madness, I was uncovering what I secretly wanted." He handed the brush over and I got to work on my hair, still listening.

"It was the first time you dry humped me. That... changed things? No, opened a door. Hm." Giving a grunt, Jamie wasn't happy with his phrasing and having been writing, I understood that frustration all too well.

"Ya liked it." He nodded, still mulling over how to phrase it.

"It felt right." Said slowly, repeating himself after we'd done some humping in my backseat. "And the implications of that were terrifying." Jamie saw my expression and shook his head. "Look, I got called 'gay' nearly every day at school and my Dad even asked me to my face if I was a faggot." I recoiled at hearing that, unable to comprehend a parent so bad at their job.

"Jesus. And that's why you went silent?" I asked, getting a snort in return.

"It wasn't quiet up here." Tapping the side of his head, Jamie ran fingers through his hair, holding up a curl before his eyes. "I felt like if I wore a bra, got humped, he'd somehow know and that'd be it." Another shake of the head, sending his hair waving about. It was getting longer and just like with the skirts, I could tell he was enjoying it.

"I wish I could kick the shit out of this guy." I said, Jamie letting out a peal of humorless laughter.

"Get in line. Tom's threatened to tear his head off and shit down his neck." For the second time in my life, I felt something aside from annoyance for Jamie's dormmate. "You, Tom, all the advice I got from Internet friends, all told me to live for myself. So... That's what I've been doing."

"Good! We ain't hurting anyone so what does it matter?" I insisted, Jamie nodding along.

"I..." Once more his gaze wandered, Jamie falling quiet as I waited. "This sounds stupid but just follow me, okay?" Taking one of his hands as he got all his thoughts ordered, I said nothing. "There's this song that..." I brought his hand up to my lips and gave the back of it a gentle kiss as Jamie struggled, now on the verge of tears, to speak.

"It's by Metallica and it's just, dark and fucked. But there's a line near the end that stuck with me and I've tried to live by it but only since meeting you do I feel like I've been able to do that." Wiping away the overflow from his eyes, Jamie looked at the bed, then me, trying so damn hard to be resolute. Turning his head, he gave a quick cough and then, in a light singing voice that quaked, he sang.

"'Renew our faith which way we can, to fall in love with life again...'" Clenching his jaw, Jamie fell quiet and I took him in my arms. His breath hissed and he burrowed his face into the hair I'd just brushed, trembling hands wrapping around me. Together we were like that for some unknown amount of time before he tapped my back and I let go, Jamie falling back on his haunches and wiping red eyes.

"It shouldn't be that big of a deal." He muttered, that confidence having crumbled away.

"So what if it is?" Jamie shook his head but I pressed on. "People cry reading books and watching movies, a song's no different. They can tell stories, set a mood! You just happened to find one that hit close to home." It was a striking line, I can say that much.

"Yeah but saying 'I cried cause of a Metallica song' gets weird looks from people." Still with that childish sulk, as if feeling something was wrong.

"Then say it's from a famous poet or some shit! If it works for ya, then who cares where it's from! Fuckin' better than most the idiot shit I see on Facebook." I had the account mostly out of habit and my feed was endlessly filled with stupidity that lowered my faith in humanity each time I dared browse it.

Jamie lapsed into laughter, falling over as he tried and failed to speak. "Oh my God yes, the celebrated poet James Hetfield! With such classics as Enter Sandman and, and, fuckin' Devil's Dance!" At that bit of wit I didn't understand, Jamie rendered himself unable to speak from laughing so hard. It was better than seeing him dealing with his shithead father's stupidity however, so I waited for him to wind down.

"Oh shit." Laying flat on his back, Jamie lifted an arm and I gave him a high five, knocking it right back down. "Anyway, what I was trying to say before was I came to college to find myself, to be able to fall in love with life again." The mood and his voice was still light but the subject matter had plunged back down into darkness.

"But I was still stressed out, scared anyone would find out 'bout my boobs. Tom was trying to get me to go out, have fun and the one time I go with him..." A few steps on my knees and this time I bent down over him, my hair falling in a curtain about us as I looked at an upside down Jamie.

"'We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground and how we found the same old fears.'" I sang, the sad song being a staple of classic rock stations and Jamie bit back tears once more. "And now you're here." Adding in my own line for the chorus, I kissed the tip of his nose and then positioned myself to peck his lips.

"We found each other." He whispered up at me and now it was my turn to stifle tears. Instead, Jamie lifted and kissed me, upside down to each other and still made it work, kinda like that one scene in Spider-Man. We stayed like that, slowly and sweetly working out how to make this position work until his stomach growled loud enough I heard it.

"Tell me how ya really feel." I rolled off the bed, stretching as Jamie tried and failed to rise.

"Ugh. I didn't realize how hungry I was. Shit." Sitting on the edge of my bed, Jamie rose and started to dress. "Sorry, I gotta eat something."

"How dare you need food!" Flinging a bra at him, Jamie caught it and pulled off his shirt, getting into the bra with a practiced ease. Man, seeing his boobs fitting so well in a bra it's like... I dunno, I just love it. "Where ya wanna eat?"

"Not fast food." Dressed and ready for the day, I got my shoes on as Jamie got the his second layer on, the hoodie that would fit Tom and was still comically over sized on him. "I swear, one day I'm going to get lost in this fucking thing."

"I'll just hafta go lookin' for ya then." Slipping an arm about his waist, Jamie did the same to me and we walked that way until getting to the front door and then we became just another college couple, a guy and girl who had defied Pink Floyd's song. One of them anyway. Pretty sure we're all just bricks in the wall.

We went to IHOP, of course, talked about nothing and ate, got out of there was it was busy as fuck, I dropped Jamie off and got changed for my shift at the gas station. Did that, made it home and been writing this. Pretty good day. Started it by giving a handy to a sleeping person and ended laying by the stain that I hadn't bothered to scrub at. Oh well.

Work and school have tried to kick my ass but no! I refuse! I'm not falling behind this early! There's been no time to write, not when I've been keeping up on homework, reading extra shit for English and picking up a few spare shifts at the gas station. Cause soon Jamie and I are going to be getting a place together and man, I can't fucking wait.

Tonight I came home to another of Donna's parties, rap being played at a deafening volume and drunk basketball players all over the place. And of course, more beer pong trying to be played in our tiny kitchen and all I could do was sigh. Sure, last time I'd met Jamie at one of these but now that we were together, I didn't need this shit.

Ignoring Donna, who was stuck in the kitchen and attempting to wave me over, I walked into my room and found some woman pacing back and forth, talking on the phone and glaring at me as if I had interrupted her.

"Yeah? Whatcha want?" Short and scrawny with giant hoop earrings, the stranger sighed and resumed her conversation. "Look, I saw your Tweet and-"

"This is my room." I opened the door and the haunting sound of brain cells dying, otherwise known as mumble rap, thundered in, threatening to give me a headache as I jerked a thumb over my shoulder. "Out."

"Ugh! Give me a minute, I'm gonna tell Donna to kick this bitch out." The stranger gave me the evil eye as I laughed, dropping my coat to the floor and looking down at her.

"Go ahead, try it and see what happens." My smile must not have been to her liking as she got the fuck out, with me slamming the door behind her.

That done, I changed and ate a sandwich I'd bought from work, firing up my computer and putting in earbuds to drown out the affront to music being blasted in the next room over. Jamie finally got back to me, having spent most of his night cleaning at Dairy Queen. He confirmed he has tomorrow night off and thankfully, so did I. After a week of giving it my all, I needed some time with my boyfriend. I have a morning shift, he has an afternoon one and the rest of the day is ours!

I got up and got to work, seriously dragging but buying caffeine to get me started. Putting on some music, I began stocking milk while going over the past week. It'd flown by but been productive, with shit getting done on a constant basis, aside from typing in this journal. English had switched over to poetry and I wasn't thrilled with the change. Robert Frost was good but the rest didn't impress. I thought most poems were about women, how hot they were and how much the poet loved them but I've yet to read any of that! I can't wait to get back to the stories, learning of the hows and whys they worked.

My phone vibrated, a winter weather advisory letting me know shit was about to go down outside. Firing off a quick text to Jamie asking if he had a ride, I got back to work, my thoughts turning to him. The last time we'd hung out and talked, he'd mentioned some Metallica song but not the name of it. At least, I don't remember it. Well, I needed something to keep me going and Metallica might do the trick.

Finishing off stocking the milk, I took a drink of Dew and retreated away from the well lit doors that occasionally opened. Opening Google and punching in the lyric he'd recited, at least getting close enough, I found the song was called Fixxxer and got it playing while starting in on the big names of soda pop. But I was going slower than usual, paying close attention to the song and it's lyrics. I caught 'voodoo' and nearly dropped a tray of Dr. Pepper trying to yank my phone free, not believing I was hearing this correctly.

Kicking the song back ten seconds, I watched as the lyrics showed up on screen and yes, I'd been right as the familiar voice sang:

'But tell me can you heal what Father's done?

Or fix this hole in a Mother's son?

Can you heal the broken worlds within?

Can you strip away so we may start again?

Tell me can you heal what Father's done?

Or cut this rope and let us run?

Just when it all seems fine and I'm pain free

Jab another pin, jab another pin in me.'

I listened to the song in not horror but a darkening of my already dim mood, wanting to stop this poison from seeping into what was supposed to be a good day. But this is what Jamie heard at some point in the past, alone, with a shithead Father that hadn't cared enough to teach him the world wasn't fair and to be ready for it. Yet Jamie had played out the shitty hand he had been dealt and this song factored into that so I was going to listen, to understand a little bit more about him via this fucked up method.

The second chorus came around and I wanted to ask how was it so close to what Jamie had felt, how specific it was to him. But this was a Metallica song, they had been the biggest band in the 90's, did other people react like Jamie did to this? How many broken worlds had this touched? Thankfully, the singing stopped and guitar and drums kicked up, with me checking to make sure I was still alone and unobserved in my hidey hole in the cooler.

As the downbeat solo, I think that's what it was, ended, distorted vocals kicked in and after a few lines, there it was. The snippet that had driven Jamie to tears and I understood now. The singer's voice cleared up as he repeated it, to fall in love with life again and the chorus came back asking, pleading, to heal what Father had done. And then outright begging at the end for no more pins, to be spared.

Wiping my eyes, I hadn't cried but still felt drained, tapping on Nothing Else Matters, hoping that would help clear my head. With another nip of caffeine, I got to work, taking grim joy in knowing what needed to be done and racing the clock to ensure I plugged the holes.

As I worked, my mind chewed relentlessly on what I heard and how disquieting it was to see the parallels of the song and Jamie. Sure, his shithead Dad probably didn't know or practice voodoo but the rest of it was so close. But even then, a different line had jumped out at me, like a striking bit from a story: 'Can you strip away so we may start again?'

And the answer is yes. A hundred, thousand, million times yes. After hearing that fucked up song, I had the potential to understand Jamie better. I'd lucked out, having two functioning parents who gave a shit and trying connect with someone who didn't have that was difficult and might not even be possible for me. But I understand loneliness, especially after Cass.