Dining at the Furry Snack Bar

A female friend of mine named Jade was complaining recently; "Why don't men understand how to fucking go down on a woman?"

"Huh? Wait, what? I think that we understand pretty fucking well about going down on you," I replied.

"Then why don't you guys do it RIGHT?" she begged.

I offered up a strong argument on behalf of myself and my gender, going so far as to offer to "show" her my handy work, but she continued to protest the fact that we don't know what the hell we're doing "down there". Unfortunately, she declined my offer and that was too bad for many reasons not the least of which because I am certain that I can make her howl at the moon but truth be told I've also been dying to get into her undies for a very long time. That is, as they say, another story.

So, for the better part of two weeks her argument that we don't know what we're doing when we're "down there" rattled around in my brain. In fact, I was preoccupied by it and so I started to do some research-if you can call watching porn research that is-and the next time Jade and I met up for lunch I told her about my fledgling obsession with her assertion that we are less than competent in the act of eating pussy. She laughed because she had already moved on-as women often do-but she wanted to know what I had learned.

I shared my observations, both from my personal experience and from the porn I had watched, and she told me that I was making good progress but that I was overthinking it and needed to become more intuitive in my approach. "OK," I said as I raised my hands over my head. "If you don't believe that we are doing it right, tell me how to do it right and I'll post your instructions on the web where a large number of men will have access to it."

"Cool!" she said as an ear to ear smile spread across her astonishingly beautiful face. So, what follows is the result of multiple conversations I had with my friend Jade where she proceeded to tell me how to give earth-shattering head to your female partner.

First off and most importantly take your time. Ever heard the cliché "speed kills" well in this case it's true cause it's a buzz-kill. When you decide to take the drive down south, go slow. Stop at various overlooks and tourist attractions and take in the sights as you make the trip. A nibble here and a kiss there before you reach the holy land will help to heighten her arousal level and the anticipation of what's to come will kick in, in ways that are hard to appreciate as a guy. According to Jade, you know that you're going at the right pace when she starts pushing and pulling you in the direction of her magic playground. If/when that happens by the way you should still take your time because for her, frustration, is a "force multiplier" and ultimately will make her orgasm that much more intense.

Second and very close in importance to the speed with which you dole out your oral attention, is pressure. By pressure I mean how much pressure you apply with your teeth, lips, tongue, nose, chin and in a supporting role fingers. According to Jade most of us think that firmer pressure means more intensity and more pleasure as a result, which makes sense given that a good hand job or blow job for that matter is all about friction, the more the better. In her case, however it's important to vary your pressure from light as a feather to firm like pressing an elevator button depending on where you are and when you are.

So, the question you should have right now is "WTF, how will I know what and where?" and the answer according to Jade is simple. Start light and soft at each new location and get firmer over time. For example, the first time you get to her little pleasure button your touch should be light and delicate but after 10 minutes of licking and sucking on her slippery slit your pressure on her clit can be firm and deliberate. I say "can" because Jade made the comment that we should always vary our pressure from time to time and not get stuck in just one gear.

To recap at this point #1 Speed - the tortoise wins this race and #2 Pressure - light to firm and back again, and again. Next on Jade's agenda was for us to understand the importance of the different parts of her sexual anatomy. Now I won't insult you by introducing the parts she was talking about. I am positive that everyone reading this knows the difference between her vagina-or as I like to call it her musky cave of love-and her clitoris. And yes, I do have a pet name for it too but I'm not telling.

One thing to keep in mind regarding anatomy is that her erogenous zone(s) extend far out beyond just the fertile valley between her legs and a truly awesome session should include side trips down her inner thighs where light biting is strongly encouraged and perhaps if she's into it a trip all the way to her uber-sensitive feet is in order. That having been said however most of your attention will be lavished on the juicy bits like her labia (both inner and outer) her vagina, her clit (of course) and if you're feeling bold her anus. As you are undoubtedly aware the little pleasure button reigns supreme when it comes to driving her wild but don't make the mistake of focusing solely on it because you run the risk of over stimulating it and ruining it for her. The takeaway here is sometimes less is more especially when it comes to her clit.

Next on the hit list is what you do to those juicy little morsels and by that, I mean kissing, licking, sucking, nibbling, biting, rubbing, penetrating, stretching, and yes even slapping and pinching (note proceed with caution with those last two, they are for advanced practitioners only!). For example, her clit should be subjected to just about, if not all, of those actions at various points in time. In other words, don't just latch on to her clit and suck it like a baby's pacifier for 10 min straight. Suck it, sure, then flick it with the tip of your tongue in rapid succession, then kiss it, then suck it some more then lick it like a cat cleaning itself, then...(I think you get the picture).

The same goes for how you go after the other juicy bits. Change it up and vary that technique, hell, use that nose to rub her stiff little clitty while you probe the slippery slopes of her "grand" canyon with your tongue or fingers or better yet both. The more you move and change up and (remember point 1 here we're going at a measured pace too) vary your pressure, speed and technique the better...to a point.

And that point is when she's on the verge of coating your face with her 10w40 girly oil (i.e. she's about to cum you numbskull). According to Jade as she tenses up and nears the "little death" as the French call it (la petite mort) she prefers that the stimulation be focused solely on her stiff little princess by sucking on it almost like you were nursing on your mama's breast. For her it gets so intense that she'll try to push you off her little mound of joy but she said, and she was adamant about this, don't let her get away.

Specifically, she said that as the intensity rises, she can't help but push you away but by doing so she's actually denying herself the full onslaught of the orgasm, so her instructions are to grab hold, clamp on and be a man! Don't let some chick push you around, what are you some kind of pussy? Hang in there and keep that slow motion direct pressure thang going until...

Until when? Well until she really can't take it anymore of course (i.e. overload). Isn't that just like a woman? "Fuck me like an animal! What an asshole you are. You always treat me like I'm some kind of an animal!" Can't win for loosing I tell ya. Well I pushed back on this one for us all and got her to clarify it somewhat for me.

So as she tenses up and goes into orgasm her senses are over loading and she tries to stop us, but she's not really all the way gone yet so we have to suck it up (literally) and hang in there but once the wave crashes over her and for some brief period after she climaxes her nervous system is going haywire and continuing to lavish her tender parts (in particular her little speed bump) will only hasten her departure from the "crazy zone" so you have to back off and let her ride the crest.

How do you know when enough is enough? Well she offered this "If I'm pressing my thumbs into your eye sockets and threatening to rip your eyes out that's a pretty good indicator that I'm over the top." So, barring that rather gruesome predicament be aware of hostile intentions I guess, to determine when it's time to relax your grip on the now thoroughly ravaged young lady you are dining on.

Ok, to recap...

1. Take your time. Remember that fucking tortoise dude.

2. Vary the pressure of your contact. Light to firm and back again.

3. Pay attention to all her naughty bits and spend time teasing them all into a heightened state of arousal.

4. Take advantage of all your physical assets (lips, tongue, teeth etc...) using various techniques to bring her to a stunning climax

5. Be aware of her state and hold on for a good ride as she takes a ride to crazy land but know when to relax and let her enjoy the ride too.