Diagnostic Test

"Swear to god, I was tightening some bolts in one of those old G1na bots, you know the ones where the leg joints make those funny creaky sounds when they're getting fucked in doggystyle, and it shot a bunch of coolant or lube or whatever the fuck all over me." The guy sitting at the large metal table leaned back in his chair, taking another inhumanly large bite of his sandwich. Bits of lettuce flew from his mouth when he opened it again. "I tell you, I do not get paid enough for this job." The man sitting next to him cuffed him roughly on his back, causing a chunk of ham to fly from his mouth onto the shiny tabletop

"You shitting me, Warner?" The second guy asked, an incredulous look on his face. Warner blinked at him, perplexed. "People pay a lot of money for that kind of thing!" The group of men burst into loud, raucous laughter. I watched the surface of my microwaved Nutra-soup (All the nutrients of a full dinner in one convenient bowl!) ripple as the vibrations of their boisterous conversation and slamming hands traveled across the table to the furthest spot away from them, where I was sitting. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my temples with a sigh, trying in vain to relieve my pounding headache. The guys I worked with were usually nice enough, but after a long, stressful morning of mechanical maintenance work, I just couldn't deal with them.

I downed the rest of my soup like a shot and slammed the paper bowl back down on my tray with a shudder (all the nutrients, none of the flavor). As I stood up to take my trash to the recycler, a guy from the group got my attention with a wave of his meaty hand.

"Hey, Kel," he called, and a few more guys in the group looked my way. "A few of us are gonna grab a couple of beers at that pub down the street after work, you coming?" After the day I'd been having, I'd rather eat nothing but Nutra-soup for the rest of my life, but I didn't want to tell them that. I had already skipped the last few "excursions" they had invited me on, and I didn't want them to think I was avoiding them on purpose, (which I was). It was already hard enough to gain respect as a female mechanic, so I didn't want to have to deal with my coworkers thinking I was a bitch who didn't like them as well. I blinked at the group a few times, my brain scrambling wildly for a plausible excuse.

"I, uh- well-" Suddenly, I was saved from my pathetic struggle by a figure that had just entered the break room. "Oh! Hi, Lyssa." The group of guys at the table turned around to follow my line of sight, their eyes landing on our severe-looking manager. She was hovering near the door, looking slightly out of place in our little blue-collar microcosm.

"Hello, Kel. Could I have a quick word with you?" I threw my garbage down the chute of the recycler and made my way over to her, thanking the universe for giving me an excuse to not answer the guys. Most of them went back to their lunches, behaving a little more properly now that a manager was in range, but I could tell that a few were eavesdropping.

"What's up?"

"I need you to run a diagnostics test on a bot after your shift today. Eno usually does the tests, but they're on leave right now." I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't used to working with the bots, I mostly worked on the machines that create them and keep them running.

"Oh, uh, well..." I stammered, and I could feel pairs of eyes from the group at the table boring into the back of my skull. "I don't have a lot of experience with the bots themselves, I mainly work with-"

"It's just a routine check, really, you're more than capable," she cut me off. "I can send you the bot's specs and the diagnostic guide once I get back to my office. It's one of those new REN 3.3 models, it's only a few months old." Someone at the table let out a low whistle.

"Man, have you seen those REN 3.3s?" One of them said to another in a low voice, but not low enough that Lyssa and I couldn't hear. "What I wouldn't give for an hour alone with one of those things, I would just-" his words were cut off by the guy next to him smacking him upside the head. He gave an indignant "Ow!" but stopped talking. Lyssa shot a reproachful look at the group, then leaned closer to me.

"Look, there's a reason I'm asking you, ok?" Her voice was low, her eyes still glaring at the men at the table "I know I can trust you with this." After a brief moment of hesitation, I nodded. Satisfied, she leaned back.

"It needs to be done tonight, she's scheduled tomorrow. Are you available after your shift? You'll be getting overtime, of course." I didn't answer immediately. Usually I tried my best to avoid working with the bots as much as possible, but this was a perfect excuse to get out of going out with the guys that was being handed to me on a silver platter. Plus, the extra cash from the overtime definitely wouldn't hurt.

"Ok, I can do that. Where do I need to go once I'm off?"

"Just drop by my office, I'll show you everything then. Thanks again, Kel, see you tonight." Without giving me a chance to reply, she turned on her heel and marched purposefully out of the breakroom. I stared at her back in stunned silence, watching her disappear around a corner at the end of the hallway.

"Man, are you lucky, Kel!" a voice blurted from behind me, jolting me from my stupor. I turned around to see the group of guys all staring at me. "I've sure as hell never gotten such a sweet deal from this company! Getting paid to examine an REN 3.3, my god!" The group descended into conversation about the bot model. I knew nothing about the REN 3.3s, as I didn't tend to keep up with advancements in the bot field and new model releases. All I knew was that I didn't wanna hear about it from these guys. I managed a weak smile.

"Well, I guess I can't make it to the pub tonight, then. Sorry guys, maybe next time?" A few of them nodded in acknowledgement, but they were mostly consumed by their conversation now. I slipped out of the room and started making my way back to the warehouse for the rest of my shift, trying to decide if I had just solved the problem of my evening or if I had made it much, much worse.

+++

I was lying on my back underneath the mechanism of a large bot-joint assembler, fiddling with the wires and bolts. The machine had been randomly breaking down recently, and I was checking for any corrosion or loose parts that could be the culprit. Lost in my work, I barely noticed the aches in my arms from holding my heavy tools in such an awkward position or the tangy scent of oil and grease stinging my nose. At least I had finally stopped thinking about the-

"Hey Kel!" A voice sounded from somewhere above me. I jumped in surprise, banging my forehead against the cold metal bottom of the machine.

"Ooh, sorry, that sounded like it hurt." I rolled my creeper out from under the machine and came face to face with Anders, Lyssa's assistant. He was carrying a tablet, which he handed to me as I sat upright, rubbing my forehead.

"Lyssa said this is the guide and the specs you needed." I unlocked the tablet and scrolled through the files, feeling much more at ease looking at the complicated schematics and diagrams. I enlarged the map of the full body mechanics into a hologram, reading some of the annotations as the model slowly rotated.

"Looks weird without a shell on," Anders commented, peering down at the stripped representation of the inner workings of the bot.

"I think I prefer them like this," I muttered, zooming in on an odd tangle of connections under the armpit. I seriously doubted I would have enough time to really get a good grasp of the bot's mechanics before tonight, but I was already feeling a little better after a quick glance. The inner mechanism seemed fairly similar to bots I had worked on before, nothing I couldn't handle.

"You're really not a fan of the bots, are you?" I looked up from the hologram and met his questioning eyes. It's not that I hated the bots, it's just that they made me a little... uncomfortable. Our company specialized in the production of AI-powered sexual-pleasure bots. The work was a tad unsavory, but it was the best-paying mechanic job I'd ever had, and I'd worked my way up to the point where I rarely needed to work directly with the bots anymore.

"They... freak me out a little bit, yeah," I admitted. The hardware and the neural networks were constantly improving, and the bots seemed to be creeping ever-closer to real humans everyday. Anders laughed and patted my shoulder affectionately.

"You should really use one of those free visit coupons the company gives out to us around the holidays. Trust me, they're a lot less freaky when you get freaky with them." He straightened up, staring off into the middle distance with a dreamy expression. "I used mine on a CHAd bot, and he was the most amazing-"

"Ok, thanks Anders!" I cut him off quickly and loudly, wrenching him out of his reverie. "Tell Lyssa I've got what I need and I'll see her after my shift, ok?" With a nod and a smile, he turned around and headed back to the upstairs offices. I stripped off my gloves and rubbed my eyes with a sigh, the holographic model still rotating tauntingly in front of me.

+++

Shit, shit shit shit. It was already twenty minutes past the end of my shift and I still wasn't anywhere near Lyssa's office. I had been looking over the bot schematics when a malfunctioning lubricant-refiller had required my full attention for nearly the rest of my shift, making me late. I made my way up the warehouse stairs towards the floor above us. I wanted to get there as quickly as I could, but my legs refused to go any faster. I was still dreading this whole thing, but I knew I had to just suck it up and get it over with. I hurried down the hallways of the quiet office space, passing rows of and rows of empty cubicles. Most people had already gone home, I guessed. Turning the corner into the hallway that housed Lyssa's office, I almost had to do a double take. A beautiful woman was perched on a chair that sat against the wall, nervously bouncing her leg. She looked up at me as I got closer and hit me with a dazzling smile. I almost stopped in my tracks, but the impending doom of my increasing lateness kept me tethered to reality. I returned a weak smile and a nod, then barreled past her. When I finally reached Lyssa's door, I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. Conscious of the mysterious hallway woman's presence, I knew I didn't have any more time or reasons to stall. With a deep breath, I pulled the door open and stepped inside. Lyssa looked up from the screen she was reading.

"Ah, Kel, there you are! I was getting worried."

"Hi Lyssa. I'm really sorry I was late, I just got completely caught up with work and-" She cut me off with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Don't sweat it, really, I know this was pretty last minute for you. She's in the hallway as you probably saw, so you can start whenever you're ready." I stared blankly at her. There weren't any bots in the hallway, it was just that woman...

Out of the corner of my eye, I peered out the office window at her. Her leg was still bobbing fervently up and down, and her manicured fingers were twisting nervously around a strawberry-blonde curl.

"That's... she's a bot?" I whispered, even though I knew she couldn't hear me. Lyssa drew herself up a little straighter.

"Our REN 3.3s are the most technically advanced and realistic bots on the market right now," she rattled off quickly, like she'd said those exact words over and over again. "Since they're often used in intelligence missions, they need to be able to pass as real humans." Lyssa folded her hands together on the desk, gazing proudly through the window. "It's not your fault you didn't notice, she's designed that way."

I looked back at the bot. Not only was she the most lifelike, she was also the most gorgeous bot I'd ever seen. Curls of glossy hair loosely framed her heart-shaped face, falling just above the neckline of a plain red tank top that perfectly hugged her curves. She was looking down at her shoes, anxiously biting her pink, pillowy lip. She was beautiful, of course, but she was still realistic, unlike most of the bot models I'd seen (our CAndii bots are so comically top-heavy that they have severe balance issues), which just made her better. Suddenly, she looked up, and my eyes met hers, wide and bright hazel green. I quickly looked back at Lyssa and cleared my throat.

"So, I uh, think I've got everything I need to do the test," I stammered, hoping my cheeks weren't as red as they felt. "Should I take her down to the warehouse?"

"No, no, it's so far away, don't bother. There's an empty office at the end of the next hallway, you can take her there. I've laid out some extra tools you'll probably need to administer the test as well." Lyssa gave me an Ok, get out of my office now kind of smile. I desperately grasped around my mind for any other questions I could ask to stall. Coming up empty, I managed a weak smile and headed out of the office. As I closed the door, the bot looked up at me and smiled brightly. My heart did a funny little jitter, which made me even more nervous.

"There's, uh, an office at the end of the next hallway that we're gonna do the test in." She nodded and stood up, her hair bouncing softly as she moved. She started off down the hall and I followed, awkwardly trotting to keep up with her long-legged strides. It took everything I had in me not to stare at her perfect ass as it swung back and forth with each step. I silently thanked the universe that we hadn't needed to walk all the way down to the warehouse.

When we reached the last door, she stepped to the side and I opened it for her. The office was bare save for a few pieces of furniture, and the blinds were all closed. Oddly-shaped tools that I had never seen before were lined one side of a large wooden desk. We stepped into the room and stood there awkwardly for a moment. I realized she was waiting for me to tell her what to do.

"Oh!" I blurted, and she started slightly at my outburst. "Um, sorry, you can sit down if you'd like, and we'll start in a minute." She hopped up onto the desk as I took out the tablet and started flicking through the documents. With a jolt of panic, I realized I hadn't even looked at the actual guide for the test yet, so I had no idea what to do. After a few moments of frantic scrolling, I finally found the actual guide.

RECONNAISSANCE EXTRACTION NETWORK V3.3

DIAGNOSTIC GUIDE

1. Begin by checking for general wear-and-tear, corrosion, manufacturing errors, etc. (see fig. 1-5 under SCHEMATICS)
2. Measure sensitivity levels of erogenous parts: breasts/nipples, clitoris, vagina, G-spot, anus, lips, etc. (see fig. 6 under SCHEMATICS)

I froze. I had expected this, of course, she was a sexual pleasure bot, but my god, did it have to be the second step? I laid the tablet down gingerly on the office chair. I would cross that bridge when I physically couldn't avoid it anymore.

"First time?" A smooth, clear voice said from behind me. I whipped around to see the bot grinning at me, her head cocked to one side and her long legs swinging back and forth, bumping gently against the back of the desk. I coughed.

"Um, yeah, actually. I don't usually work with bots, I'm mostly on the warehouse floor." She nodded thoughtfully, and I couldn't help but follow her rose-golden curls as they bounced gently against her skin. Had it suddenly gotten hot in this office? I stripped off my thick work jacket and threw it over the back of the office chair. Her eyes traveled slowly across my bare arms and the front of my tank-top, and I could feel my cheeks starting to burn.

Just get this over with, you're the one dragging it out. Clearing my throat and steeling my nerves, I stepped up to her and held out a hand.

"I'm Kel. I'll be performing your diagnostic test today." She already knows that, genius. "It's nice to meet you." She stared apprehensively at my outstretched hand, not moving. Was there some kind of bot custom about shaking hands that I wasn't aware of? Actually, she was a fairly new model, had she even learned what a handshake was yet? Just as I was debating whether it would be more awkward to take my hand away or leave it, she reached out and gently shook my hand.

"Pleasure to meet you, Kel," she said softly. "Sorry, I don't think anyone's ever shaken my hand before a diagnostic test before." Great, I was already making a fool of myself and I hadn't even started the test yet. I fiddled around with some of the tools on the desk, avoiding her gaze.

"Have you had a lot of diagnostic tests?" I asked, partly to change the subject and partly because I was curious. Bots usually only underwent these kinds of checks when they were malfunctioning and we weren't sure why. She snorted, and I looked up to see her playing with her hair again, eyes lost in thought.

"Only after every damn mission I've been on recently," she muttered, more to herself than to me. Her eyes flicked over to meet mine, and suddenly she was back to how she had been a minute ago, cool and collected and smiling that dazzling smile.

"Could we start the test now?" she asked sweetly, batting her long eyelashes. I wanted to know more, but I decided not to push it. I picked up a few tools that I knew I would need to examine her hardware and stood in front of her.

"Ok..." I realized I didn't know what to call her. It seemed impolite to refer to her as "bot," or even REN v3.3.

"Um, do you have a name? Or something you'd prefer me to call you?" She blinked at me. Surely that wasn't rude to ask, right?

"Renee," she said, her smile returning, a little less dazzling and a little more genuine. "I like to go by Renee." I smiled back at her and stepped a little closer so I could reach her easier.

"Ok, Renee, I'm just gonna look over your hardware first, make sure it's all working correctly." She nodded and faced forward, going completely still. It was a little unnerving, but it did make it easier to work on her. Checking her shell for any flaws, I marveled at the realistic texture of her soft skin as I ran my hands gently over it. Her frozen face showed no recognition of anything I was doing, even as I peered into her wide, staring green eyes. I could see a sliver of faint blue light that was pulsing around the very edges of her pupils, the only clue I could find that told me she wasn't human.

I popped open the panel at her neck, finding the expertly hidden seam only because I knew where to look. Every wire, connection, and chip was pristine and neatly tucked into place. I leaned in closer, admiring the flawless design and execution of the machinery. A soft, humming giggle distracted me from my work, and I suddenly realized how very close my face was to Renee's neck, my chin inches above her cleavage. One hand was resting on her shoulder, and I was pressed up against the desk between her legs. I looked up and saw that her big green eyes were gazing down at me, a small smile playing across her pink lips. I hastily jumped back, but her eyes stayed trained on me.

"Sorry to distract you," she said in a low voice, "but your hair was tickling my chest." I quickly brushed the long, dark braid that had escaped its bun back over my shoulder and cleared my throat.

"Oh! Um, sorry about that," I muttered, wishing my heart would slow down to a normal pace. Careful to keep a respectable distance between our bodies, I reached out and gently closed the open panel. "Everything looks good up here. I've actually never seen such perfect hardware." Her smile seemed to tighten slightly.

"I'm the best of the best, after all." There was a hint of bitterness behind her tone. I only half-processed it, though, because I was psyching myself up for where I knew the next panel I had to examine was gonna be.