Crossing Over Pt. 02

THE RIPPLING WATERS

Still grieving over the death of her sister, Louise has become best friends with her co-worker at the bank, Sigrid Fønsmark. She is well aware of Sigrid's sexual orientation and takes steps to prevent a friendship turning into something else. A late night encounter that nearly tips them over the edge merely strengthens her resolve to maintain the friendship. Sigrid's sisters step in to give their support and slowly Louise begins to cross into another world as she begins to change.

*

Cast a stone into a still pond and the ripples move outwards to the edge of the pond and Sigrid's confession and my 'non gay' kiss had certainly sent out ripples. It had happened on Saturday the 23rd of May, almost four months to the day since Cathy passed away. By that stage many of my friends who'd dropped in for a visit or called me on the phone had stopped, it's a natural part of human society. Once people can see you're not about to fall into a black depression they will tend to pull back, but of course that left a vacuum. Cathy and I had been so close for so many years that when my friends invited me over for dinner or a barbecue it was usually a joint invitation if she was living with me at the time.

Now that she was gone I know many felt difficult having me around because of the elephant in the room, most people don't know how to deal with death in general, let alone the death of someone's sister. But nature abhors a vacuum and where my friends withdrew to their own families and worlds, my circle of friends now included Sigrid and her family. There had been a temporary hitch after our close call in May, but within a week of that happening I found myself drawn further into the Fønsmark world. I was already a familiar face by that stage due to Sigrid's habit of taking me to see one of her sisters for the night, but now they began readjusting their social calendars to include me, not as Sigrid's 'partner' but simply because they liked me.

One of the first to make her move was Caroline, she's three years younger than me and lived a mere five minutes drive away in Ruskin Park Drive, on the outskirts of Kilsyth.

Back in those days, Caroline ran a course in fabric construction on a Tuesday night out at Croydon High, her students were Year Twelve students looking to get into fabric design at TAFE and younger mothers. It was initially just a casual course but in February 1998, the Education department got involved and it became an accredited course, Introduction to Fabric Construction, the credits could be added to any TAFE college. Caroline taught fabric design out at Box Hill TAFE three days a week and made outfits for clients on the other days.

I'd actually professed an interest in fabric design back in March when Sigrid and I were sitting in Caroline's sewing room one night, but hadn't actually made any inquiries about it yet. However, after my 'non gay' kiss, Caroline dropped in on me with her usual, "saw your light on, thought I'd drop in." This was a week after that incident with Sigrid and after chatting about the weather, work and her course at Croydon High she asked if I'd like to come along.

"I mean the course was fully booked but one of the women dropped out because she's just about to drop her second child, so there's a spare slot."

"How much will it cost?"

"Don't worry about the cost," she patted my hand gently, "it's on me."

I opened my mouth to protest and then shut it again. I'd learned enough about the Fønsmarks by then to know they were generous to a fault. I meekly agreed and that next Tuesday, the 2nd of June, she picked me up and took me out to Croydon High for that first lesson.

That first night after the course she just dropped me off and left me to it but the second Tuesday night she came in for a coffee and that became the routine for the next eight weeks. Caroline is a style guru and over cups of coffee I developed a new interest, fashion design. She's an amazingly talented woman. Caroline was initially self taught in fashion design. Her first outfit was a dress, she actually bought the dress from an op-shop for a few dollars and then pulled it apart into its different components and cut her pattern from the panels and made herself a new dress.

"I did it in white satin and that's the original before I took it apart," she turned the page to show a black dress in the same style, "the one I made still fits me too."

Out of that course and those coffee sessions came a desire to clean up my wardrobe and add more outfits to it, one of the first outfits was one I made at the course, a jumpsuit with billowing harem pants and a low cut, button down bodice. It was a garment I'd picked out of her big book, it literally is a big book of designs and as was typical for me, I cut the material to fit someone a size smaller than me, which led to the desire to lose weight. I'd put on a few kilos since Cathy's death and that's where Elke stepped in.

We'd started going to the gym twice a week, the gym was in Bayswater North and she would pick me up on Mondays and Wednesdays and after a workout session on the Monday we'd walk across the road to the football ground and do a few laps around the oval. The Wednesdays were out of the question because of football training and what woman wants to run laps while guys whistle at her? On the Wednesdays we would jump in the car and drive to the squash courts in Bayswater and play squash for an hour or so before jumping into the shower. The weight soon dropped off and I was soon able to get back into my favourite jeans!

These two women became firm friends of mine and still are today, even though technically they're my sisters in law. Elke back then reminded me so much of Cathy, she was just as adventurous and outgoing. She loved outdoor activities, she wanted to take me rock climbing, bungee jumping and we even talked about doing a parachute course.

Looking back with the benefits of hindsight I can see that those two women were instrumental in helping me make the crossing. I frequently got changed in front of Caroline on a Tuesday night when discussing fashion and what suited me, I never thought twice about it. I mean she was in a relationship with Mark anyway, but I would have felt funny changing in front of Sigrid because of the obvious implications.

With Elke, we would take a shower twice a week after our workouts, so I saw her naked body many times and she had a hot body back then. She's very athletic and if she hadn't been a cop she could easily have been a model. Elke actually did enter a modelling competition when she was seventeen and had the choice of a modelling career or enrolling in the Police Academy. Back then she was just bisexual but tending to move more towards women. I only found that out after the first month when it just came out in the shower room at the gym.

"I'm still undecided," she dragged the towel over her back, "I mean I like the hardness of a man but I also like the softness of a woman."

She was looking at me in the mirror as she said that and a couple of months ago I might have covered myself up because I was standing there stark naked but I merely shrugged and picked up my panties.

"I'm sure you'll work it out, you're young enough and at least you've got the option and dildos can be pretty hard too.

"I know," she grinned.

But by far the biggest influence on my life about that time was Agnetha. She's a good eight years older than me and became very much the big sister I'd never had. I'd always been the big sister and the only older female member in my family was mum, and she and I were still skirting around each other like gladiators.

Agnetha is a doctor, mother and loving wife to Robbie. To see the way that family operated when I was there was an eye opener. My mother's attempts at affection were very infrequent, clumsy and forced. Agnetha in contrast, lavished praise on her three children and took an active part in their lives and not in the interfering way of my mother, but she opened herself up to their ideas, listened to their music, even when it was plainly not to her taste and in general let it be known that her children were the centre of her life.

By nature, Agnetha is warm, gentle and fiercely loyal. If she calls you her friend, she actually means it. My visits to the Sutherland household were usually limited to Sunday night dinners but occasionally she'd call and ask if I could babysit when her eldest was at his girlfriend's place and I was only too willing to help. Agnetha is also extremely intelligent and very knowledgeable about women's issues and in particular gay issues. That last subject was one she took to heart when Sigrid first came out.

"I wanted to understand it more completely, it was foreign to me but the more I read and the more gay people I talked to, the more I began to understand but at first it was like walking through a minefield. I know I accidentally upset some gay people."

And where was Sigrid for those nine weeks?

We worked together so she was my regular lunch date. Friday nights we went shopping for food and inevitably clothes. Saturday nights were varied, sometimes we'd go to one of her sisters' places for a video and other nights we'd go to her place or mine. Sunday night was reserved for time out, Sigrid was usually catching up on housework or ironing her uniforms for work. She was so well organised she'd have two uniforms ironed and hanging in the wardrobe while the third was in the dryer. I'd be the one having to do it all late Sunday night because that night was when I went to Agnetha's for Sunday night dinner, I was usually there for about two to three hours depending on what was happening in the Sutherland house.

Agnetha would flit from kitchen to living room and I'd be either with her husband or the kids but despite the frenetic activity there was always an atmosphere of calmness at Agnetha and Robbie's house, the infamous Danish hygge. It also taught me a lot about normal relationships where two people work together and share the burden of child rearing and housework. The first time I ever saw a man voluntarily roll up his sleeves and wash the dishes was when Robbie did it.

He sensed my shock and merely winked.

"Just earning my keep."

I went to pick up a tea towel out of habit but he shook his head.

"Stick the billy on and go back through to the living room, the kids have got to earn their pocket money. You wouldn't want to do some poor kid out of pocket money would you?"

In summary, within those nine weeks I'd changed my outlook and my appearance so much that girlfriends and even Melanie thought I'd found someone.

"What's his name?" Melanie asked.

"Mister Nobody," I shrugged, "I'm just in a new circle of friends."

"Sigrid's family are good value," she merely replied.

I agreed and kept working but she had a crooked smile on her face as she looked over at Sigrid's back at the terminal. She glanced back at me and I merely shrugged and kept counting cash, the bank had just closed and we were doing our reconciliation while we waited for the time lock on the safe to open.

The truth was however I had fallen in love and it wasn't with a man. I had become so closely entwined with Sigrid that extricating myself would be a major rupture and right then I didn't need any more dramas. I was happy right where I was, in spite of the loss of my sister.

Inevitably it was Agnetha who first raised the subject when she was examining my breasts in her office at home. It wasn't a full on breast examination, just one of those, let me check for lumps and I was only too willing to strip down to my waist and lie back on a recliner while she performed her inspection. I'd found a lump the week before but before I submitted my breasts to the clamp I rang and asked her to check for me.

"I've got to go out for a couple of hours, but just come around anyway, if no one's home the key is under the pot plant at the back."

I tried to keep myself busy for the next couple of hours but I still felt a sense of unease. Cathy had died just over six months ago and here was me going to see a doctor about a lump in my breast. I got there earlier than planned and found Robbie just washing down the tray of his ute. He's a builder by trade and has his own business. I got him a beer and sat down under the pergola at the back to await Agnetha and she arrived home shortly afterwards.

Agnetha's hands were smooth and firm as she examined my breast a little while later.

"It feels too soft," she murmured, "if you want I can arrange a mammogram, but I'd rather wait a few weeks and check again. Lumps come and go all the time but this feels normal."

"I might do the mammogram all the same," I sighed, "I felt the lump and thought of Cathy."

"Understandable," she pushed harder, "and I can make the arrangements but it's up to you of course, when did you last have a blood test done?"

"Um, months and months ago. It was when Cathy was still alive and I just got worried because she was so reliant on me."

"That's something we're going to rectify right away," Agnetha released my breast, "I'm going to book you in for a full check-up, heart, lungs, blood and urine. I'll arrange a mammogram at the same time," she nodded at my bra and shirt.

"You can get dressed again."

"I feel stupid about this," I slipped the bra over my shoulders.

"Why stupid?" Cathy pulled it around and fastened it for me.

"I did go to my local clinic just after Cathy died and I was in a terrible state. I wanted a complete check-up. The doctor just shook his head, gave me some excuse about it being a waste of time and then lectured me about worrying myself into an early grave."

"Who was the doctor?"

"Doctor Ewan Johnstone?"

"I know Ewan," she sat down at her desk, "he's a passable doctor but Ewan is just marking time and working on his golf. He's a classic example of one of those doctors who just fell into a rut and stayed there getting in everyone's way. We're trying to find placements for new doctors and people like Ewan just sit there like a buffalo in the middle of the road. We can't get rid of them unless we can prove incompetence, he does just enough to justify his salary."

I pulled the shirt on and started buttoning it as she continued.

"From now on, I'm your doctor. Don't worry about how it looks, I can take the flak and if needs be I'll find one of my colleagues who's up to the task, but Ewan is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike."

Her voice had raised slightly and I blushed as I tucked the shirt into my slacks.

"Look, you're practically family, we all love you, not just Sigrid. Dad and mum have invited you to their anniversary dinner in September, she was going to ring and tell you but I told her you'd be here this afternoon so now it's official."

"Oh," I looked up, "wow."

"Don't mention it," she studied me for a moment, "on the whole though you're looking healthier than I've ever known and I haven't known you that long. Your skin tone is healthy, you certainly haven't lost your appetite judging by the way you cleaned your plate last Sunday, and if you can keep up with Elke then you must be fit. Sigrid was just telling me on the phone the other day you're starting to learn Danish as well."

"I am," I glanced at her, "should I tell her about my lump or do you really think I should wait until we know for sure it's benign."

Agnetha smiled crookedly as I sat down opposite her.

"What?"

"How long have you had the hots for my sister?"

"The what?"

"The hots," Agnetha leaned on her desk, "it seems every time you come for dinner the conversation inevitably comes around to Sigrid. Oh, you do mention Elke and Caroline but not nearly as much as Sigrid."

"I guess because I spend so much time with her, she's my best friend, I'm her hygge."

"Do you even know what that means?"

"I do," I flushed, "it means contentment."

"Do you know what it means for Sigrid?"

"The same?"

"Kind of but in a much deeper way. Hygge is what you might feel being here, or out with Caroline or Elke, it's a very fluid term but for Sigrid it has a much deeper meaning. When she calls you her hygge it means a lot more. Before she met you, Sigrid was very sexually active. I used to have her in here once every month for a blood test and swab. She had very little compunction about getting naked with women and while the risks are lower for gay women in general, there are risks if they sleep with infected bisexual women."

She looked past me for a moment.

"But when you came into her life my heart breaking younger sister just stopped going out with women, she stopped talking about her ex girlfriends and she just stopped looking for the next challenge. I've never seen her go this long without a fuck, it's just not in her nature, in that way she's a lot like Elke. The two of them can fuck like rabbits. I don't know if she's into you in that way but I know I've never seen two people more suited to each other than you two."

I sank back into her seat and shook my head as her words sunk in.

"But I'm not gay."

"Who the hell says you have to be gay?" Agnetha grinned, "it's not about am I gay or am I straight? It's about do I love this person enough to want to be with them? You want to be with Sigrid, I can see it in your eyes but you've put this obstacle in the way. Don't read too much into the whole gay debate, there's a lot in it and certainly people have valid issues but most of the time it's about accepting who you are right now, coming to terms with your choice of sexual partner."

She leaned back and propped on her palm.

"What do you look for in a sexual partner?"

When Cathy was alive I would have either answered that with the usual cliché or just sidestepped it but a lot had changed since then. Cathy's body was in the ground, my mother was buried in her bible studies and prayer meetings, the one single girlfriend I had left was now going out with a guy and I was now in a new circle of friends.

I opened up about my sexual history for the first time to one person. It might have sounded odd but at the age of twenty nine I'd had three serious relationships, well four if you count a three week fling in high school. The rest of the time I'd been either studying at a TAFE college, doing night courses or working. I certainly had enough offers but I declined most of them because to be honest, sex scared me. I felt inadequate when I got naked with a man, always worried that I hadn't satisfied him and what the hell was an orgasm supposed to feel like?

Agnetha listened without interruptions and about halfway through when one of her kids knocked on the door to ask for some help with homework, she excused herself and had Robbie deal with it. When she returned she closed the door and locked it.

"Where were we again?"

We went on for a good half an hour or more and by the end I was emotionally drained, I felt as if I'd just exposed myself in a very public way. I was nearly thirty but the way I came across it was as if I was a gawky sixteen year old and I said it like that as well.

"There's no need to feel shame," Agnetha leaned on the desk, "you're not the first woman to feel like that. I get women just about every week, some older than you with the same questions and like you they're stumbling in the dark wondering what the hell it's all about. Is it okay to enjoy sex? What if I don't orgasm? What is an orgasm? The questions go on and on and on. They feel like men have the perfect right to have as much sex as they want but if they have sex with more than one man then they're a slut."

"Well I'm certainly not a slut."

"No, but even if you were having sex five times a week it wouldn't make you a slut either, so here's what I'm proposing," she stared at her diary.