A Blind Date for the Holidays

It struck me that Billie probably expected me to find another way home. It made sense based on what happened, but I found myself unwilling to accept it. Sure, I could probably get a ride from Ken. Either that or I could Uber it, but you didn't leave a person somewhere when you were the one who drove them there. It just wasn't right.

My sudden irritation was a bit overblown and I knew it, but that didn't lesson it in the least. I needed a distraction. I grabbed Ken's hand and led him to the dance floor. He was a surprisingly good dancer and after a few minutes I finally felt myself starting to calm down. That's when I spotted Billie's dark head of hair.

My anger at being abandoned disappeared and was replaced with something else. Billie was dancing with two women. Both of them were blond and attractive in their way. I couldn't take my eyes off of them despite my best effort. Well, Billie anyway.

She moved to the music with a natural ease that was hard to ignore. I wasn't remotely surprised. It was just so Billie. Everything about her was grace and beauty. The idea of her being a bad dancer never entered my mind. I felt a little better when I realized that the blond couple were a little older than Billie and obviously together.

That only lasted until I noticed that Billie wasn't smiling and seemed to be going through the motions despite how well she moved. I felt bad because I knew it was my fault. I should never have let her kiss me. I have no idea what came over me.

It was a mistake in so many ways, but the worst part was that it cost me Billie's friendship. I wish she would just forget the whole thing ever happened. I wish I could. The feel of her lips against mine would haunt me for a very long time.

I was lost in thought as the DJ switched to a new song. I was dancing with Ken, but honestly, I was in my own little world. I'm not sure how long we were there before I noticed a dark-skinned beauty join Billie and her friends.

I might be straight, but I wasn't oblivious to the way the new girl stared at Billie. She wanted her, not that I blamed the woman. What girl wouldn't if they were a lesbian? I wanted to wish her luck. Billie was someone special, but I couldn't do it.

"I'd like another drink." My abrupt request surprised Ken, but he nodded in agreement and led me off the dance floor.

The next hour went by quickly enough, especially when a couple of Ken's friends joined us. They joked and teased each other a lot. It was pretty funny. I liked the fact that they did their best to include me, but mostly I just sat back, drank and watched them go at it.

The more I got to know Ken, the more I liked him. He would fit right in with my family. My brothers would love him. I realized that I was drunk when I caught myself staring at him and wondering what our kids would look like if we ever got married. Considering we'd just met that was silly, but it didn't stop my musings.

We were both blonds so the odds were pretty good our children would be too. That would make my dad happy. He had dark hair and swore that one of the main reasons why he fell for mom was her golden locks.

I could just picture a little boy with Ken's strong chin and my skin coloring, or maybe a little girl with my cheekbones and his eyes. Mom would love that. Ken had the most beautiful blue eyes. He really was a handsome man.

I clearly wasn't the only one who thought so. I'd caught more than one of the women in the place glancing our way. Some of them were giving me jealous looks, but most were simply eyeing Ken hungrily. It got worse as the night passed and they got drunker. Ken seemed used to the attention.

Or maybe he was just too focused on me to notice. I wasn't blind to the fact that he was staring at me with the same intensity that those women were looking at him. Maybe he was really that into me or maybe he just liked the challenge of trying to be with me after catching Billie and me kissing.

I didn't know the reason, but I can't deny that I liked the attention. It's not every day that a gorgeous man looked at me the way he was. The problem was that despite my enjoyment, that's all it was. There was nothing more there, at least not for me.

"Do you want another drink?" I glanced down at Ken's offer and saw that my glass was empty again. It took me a moment, but I realized that the waitress had only brought us a new round a couple of minutes ago. Everyone else's glass was still at least half full. It was time to slow down.

"No thanks. I'm good for now."

He and his friends went back to their conversation and I went back to my daydreaming. My family would welcome someone like Ken with open arms, especially if we ended up having a couple of blond-haired kids. I could just picture Christmas day at my parents' house years from now.

The adults would be sitting around the living room watching the kids opening their presents. Ken would be next to me on the love seat, holding me close. Ours kids would be excitedly talking with their cousins as they tore into the wrapping paper, their chocolate eyes filled with excitement.

Our daughter's face would light up as she lifted the dress my mother bought her to her torso and pushed her long, dark brown hair out of the way to see how it looked. She was all smiles as she noticed how well the color went with her deeper skin tone.

Wait, chocolate eyes, dark brown hair and deeper skin tone? That wasn't right. Everything about Ken was light. Why would we have children with that coloring? I started to shift the vision of our kids to something more likely, but before they could fully form my daydream wandered off in a different direction.

Ken and I were still on the loveseat, but he was holding me now, and it was amazing. I'd never felt safer or more loved. Being in her arms...I mean his arms... My alcohol befuddled mind had me spinning in confusion.

The daydream seemed to take on a life of its own. Ken kissed the top of my head, mostly because that was the only place he could reach. I decided to fix that by lifting my chin so that I could give offer my lips to him for a heartfelt kiss. Only, as I looked at him the vision blurred as if it were trying to shift, but I refused to allow that.

I focused until I could see Ken's strong, handsome face clearly and feel his large muscular body against my own. He was smiling down at me as I leaned into him. Ken hugged me tight and brought my mouth to his own. Our lips touched, but instead of the love and passion I expected, I felt nothing, nothing at all.

That would have been bad enough, but in my drunken state the shock of the moment caused me to lose my focus, and suddenly my daydream shifted despite my best efforts. The arms around me shrunk considerably. So did the body I was leaning against, but both felt just as good in their own way. No, if I were being honest with myself, they were somehow better. I still felt safe and loved, but I also felt...well, like I truly belonged.

The lips kissing me softened considerable, but not in a bad way. They fit mine perfectly. More telling, the fire that had been missing from Ken's kiss struck full force and I gasped. I'm only felt this way once before. I opened my eyes in my daydream and there she was, Billie. This was wrong even when I was just imagining it, but for just a moment I let myself enjoy the feelings that I'd been fighting all night.

That's when the vision took a darker turn. My family noticed that Ken had changed into Billie. My father's expression turned into one of thundering anger while my mother burst into tears. My oldest brother Mike look horrified and Paul expression was filled with sad disappointment.

The worst was my youngest brother Sean. He looked betrayed, which was odd because he was the rebel in our family and most likely to accept something like this, but in my daydream even he couldn't handle it.

All of that was hard enough to envision, but then the kids I so desperately wanted slowly began fading away. I snapped out of the daydream forcibly. I must have had an interesting expression on my face because Ken, who was sitting next to me, was frowning in concern.

I tried to smile up at him, but it wouldn't come. So instead, I shifted closer, took his glass and downed the remains of his drink before leaning forward and kissed him without warning. I'm sure his friends were surprised, but Ken seemed to take it in stride.

Not only was the man handsome, but he was one hell of a kisser. It was nothing like in the daydream. I definitely felt something and it was good. That should have made me feel better, but it didn't because as good as his kiss was, it didn't compare to the one I'd shared with Billie.

"I've got to go." Okay, so maybe it was a little abrupt considering I'd just kissed Ken, but my sudden need to run was damn near overwhelming.

Ken stared at me in silence for a few moments before nodding in acceptance. I was confused and embarrassed so I didn't bother saying goodbye. He had an odd expression, but didn't say anything as I stood and left.

I was standing outside before I was able to actually put a coherent thought together. The cool night air helped clear my head from its alcohol induced haze. I groaned and shook my head. Ken was the perfect man and I'd walked out on him. Hell, I'd run. What did that say about me? What did it say about my future?

"You bitch!"

It took me a moment to realize that the outburst was directed at me. I turned and saw one of the blondes that had been dancing with Billie staring at me angrily. The fresh air was sobering, but I was still in no shape for this.

"Pardon me?" It was the best I could offer. I noticed that the woman was a little younger than I organically thought, but still older than Billie and me. I guessed maybe her late twenties or early thirties.

"I don't know what you did or said to Belinda because she won't talk about it, but whatever it is was must have been bad. I've never seen her like that." The anger of the woman's words flashed in her eyes. She looked more than willing to continue laying into me. I was so stunned that it actually took me a second to realize she was talking about Billie.

"All I did was let her kiss me," I said defensively, causing the blond to stop mid rant, but only for a moment.

"And that put her in such a miserable mood?" The disbelief damn near dripped from the woman's words. I didn't blame her. It didn't make sense. I could have left it at that, but for some reason I felt like I needed to explain.

"I shouldn't have. I'm not a lesbian," I said with a shrug. "She knew that, but insisted that we try it." I paused, trying desperately to forget how Billie's kiss made me feel. I could still taste her lips on my own despite everything that happened since. "I had to tell her three times when we were done before she accepted the truth."

"Whose truth?" The blond was staring at me intently, obviously reading something from my expression. It made me uncomfortable as hell.

"The only one that matters," I answered with more conviction than I felt, but then I ruined it by adding with less confidence, "I can't be a lesbian. It would ruin everything." The blond took another long look at me and then shook her head.

"Ah, one of those." She still looked annoyed, but there was something else there as well. "My wife was like you."

"Wife?" The question was silly. I knew lesbians could get married, but it surprised me just the same. I guess it was because the blond was the first married lesbian I'd ever met in person, at least that I knew of anyway.

"Arlene," the blonde replied. "She's getting the car. We need to get home. Our babysitter has a curfew."

"Babysitter?"

"Yes," the woman said in an odd mix of forced patience and thankfully, sudden humor. "Lesbians can have kids. It's actually easier for us than for homosexual men. We just need a sperm donor. Of course, some do adopt. God knows there are plenty of kids out there who need a good home." I was stunned. It made sense, but it was all so foreign to me.

"For those who want biological children, it's just a matter of deciding who has them. I even know some couples where both have had kids." The blond was fighting a smile as she explained. I guess my expression was comical to her. I'm glad I couldn't see it. The conversation was embarrassing enough.

"My wife Arlene had both of ours. Frankly, as much as I love them, I had no desire to go through child birth."

"And it doesn't bother you that they're not yours?" Her smiled disappeared and her eyes flashed angrily again. I quickly replayed what I said and realized my mistake. "I mean biologically." The blond frowned at me as if judging my words, mostly because I'm sure she was. I met her gaze, trying to let her see that my mistake was naivete and poor wording, not any desire to offend or judge her.

"I'm more of a nurture type of girl rather than nature," she answered somewhat flippantly.

"I didn't mean to offend..." I began, deciding a full apology was necessary, but the blond shushed me with a hand gesture.

"I know, it's just that you hit a sensitive subject. I had to adopt both my kids before I had any legal rights in regards to them. I get it, but it pissed me off just the same. Not only was it expensive, but we had to put up with a home study. Can you say intrusive?"

I suddenly realized just how little I knew about what it meant to be a lesbian outside of the obvious. I knew deep down that I wanted kids more than anything else despite my denial of the fact when I spoke to my parents. I'd just never thought about having the ability to have them without being married to a man. It was just too far from the way I was brought up.

"Of course, in the long run none of what I went through to adopt them matters." The blond was obviously thinking about her family. The tension was gone and she was smiling once more. "Only that it happened."

I felt myself calm down a little. I still didn't like all of the ramifications of what I was learning, but it was impossible not to feel the love and pride that this woman had for her children in her voice.

"My kids and Arlene are my life." She stared at me as if daring me to argue. I remained silent and continued to watch her. "Unconditional love doesn't need a blood bond." I didn't know why the blond was sharing all of this with me, but I drank in each word. She gave me an odd grin before adding, "So, you see, if you were a lesbian, you wouldn't have to give up on having a family."

"I'm not a lesbian." The words were sounding more and more hollow, despite them apparently being my mantra tonight.

"I'm not saying you are," the blond replied easily. "But let me offer you a bit of advice. It took my wife a long time to learn this and she swears she kicks herself every day for it." She paused, waiting to see if I was willing to listen. I hesitated, but then nodded.

"If you were by chance, a lesbian, then denying it isn't going to help. It's not something you can wish away. Sure, you can marry a guy, have kids and live the American dream, but there's always going to be something missing."

She paused again, giving me a long, hard look. "You might grow to love the guy, but you'll never be in love with him. You can't, by definition."

"I know," I whispered hoarsely, thinking about how perfect Ken was and how he did almost nothing for me. Worse, no man I'd ever kissed made me feel the way Billie had when her lips touched mine. The blond was still looking at me intently, but I couldn't meet her gaze. She eventually sighed and looked away.

"For what it's worth," she added. "The American Dream is a lot more flexible than most people give it credit for."

"Maybe," I admitted slowly. "But my parents aren't."

"Yeah, I hear you." The blond snorted and shook her head. "Arlene's parents dealt with our marriage okay. Well, once we gave them grandchildren anyway. My parents, not so much."

"Do they talk to you?" This time I met the blondes' gaze. I had to know. It was one of my biggest fears and I wasn't sure I could deal with it if my parents abandoned me.

"I'm working on them," she shrugged sadly. "I think dad is starting to accept it, but mom is still having issues. Recently, I've taken to sending them pictures of the whole family once every month or so." She sighed to herself before adding, "I don't think my mother would throw them out, but whatever." Her expression was something I could empathize with easily.

"I love my mom, but the problem is that she still trying to see me as the daughter she wanted, not the one she got. It hurts because it means she doesn't love the real me, but I'm hopeful that one day that will change and we'll reconcile."

Those words hit me hard. Would my parents be able to accept me if I were a lesbian? Would their love for me get them past their prejudice or would they disown me? I really didn't know the answer to that question and it scared me on a level I couldn't put into words.

"But if they don't then so be it." The sad resolve in the blonde's voice made me want to cry. "I can't imagine my life without Arlene and the kids. If my parents can't accept that then I'll just have to learn to live with it." She was clearly a woman who'd come to terms with her reality. "Better that then I lie to myself and spend the rest of my life trying to be someone I'm not, alone and miserable."

"I really don't think I'm a lesbian." The denial fell from my lips easily, but by this point I knew I was saying it more for me than anyone else.

"Stop worrying so much about labels," the blond said knowingly. "Lesbian, straight. Girl, boy. None of that matters. What does is how you feel about the special person in your life. I don't know if you and Belinda are meant to be, but she's definitely...oh fuck!"

Her unexpected outburst as she broke off the conversation shook me from my thoughts and I looked up, following her gaze. The dark-haired beaty who had danced with her, Billie and Arlene earlier was coming toward us. The blond did not look thrilled to see her. Actually, that was an understatement.

"I get what you're going through and I feel for you. Most of us have been there to one degree or another, but I may never forgive you if what I think is about to happen does," the blond grumbled angrily, just loud enough for me to hear. "Jenna has been trying to get Belinda into bed for months. She's a real piece of work." The loathing was thick enough to taste. "To hell with forgiving you! If Belinda goes home with Jenna because you screwed with her head, intentional or not, I may have to kill you."

I was stunned into silence as a flood of emotions overwhelmed me, none of them related to the blonde's threats. We'd only been talking for a few minutes, but she'd shared a lot in that time and I knew she was just concerned for her friend. That didn't help me cope with my own feelings.

First and foremost, I sure as hell didn't want Billie going home with a woman like this Jenna based on the blonde's reaction, but it was more than that. I didn't want Billie going home with any woman, or man for that matter. It wasn't just my jealousy that made me momentarily speechless. It was a possessiveness toward her that I'd never felt for another person in my entire life, man or woman.

"Hey Sam!" This Jenna woman's triumphant smile as she joined us irritated me in ways I can't explain. At least I now knew the blonde's name. "Billie agreed to give me a ride home." I hated her voice. I swore I heard an underlying meanness in it. "Isn't that nice?" I hated the fact that she seemed so smug. Who was I kidding? I hated her, plain and simple, and it had little to do with her or her words. "Here she comes now!"

Billie drove up on her motorcycle. She'd already taken out her jacket and was holding it up to Jenna. It made sense. The woman was wearing even less than me and it was a cold night. Despite her action, I noticed that Billie's eyes were on me and not the dark beauty stepping toward her.