- BDSM
- 78 Minutes
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Click hereThis is a story for the 750 Word project.
Please vote so I know how I'm doing. I welcome all comments both positive and negative. They only help me to write better.
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Jessie couldn't believe her eyes. The man all the Subs were raving about and trying to get with, the one who overshadowed all other Doms, was her Ex. When she'd heard about this new Dom, she had to see for herself. When her best friend pointed him out at the club, she was floored.
She remembered an introvert she dated several years ago, not this powerful Dom that exuded confidence. She'd tried to get him into the scene, but he learned too slowly, so she dropped him.
Now she watched as he worked with willing Subs. Watched him give them continuous orgasms, instinctively knowing their desires, weaknesses and buttons to push. Watched as other Doms learned from him, taking notes. Jessie wanted it, she needed it. No Dom has been able to satisfy her but now, maybe her Ex could be the one.
Afterwards, Jessie followed him home and watched. It was the same house she knew from before, but she hesitated. How would she approach him? How would she apologize for dumping him? How would she get him to make her submit?
At her knock he opened the door, surprised at seeing her there. Upon entering his home, she saw the changes. No more bachelor pad, now a clean and bright house beautifully decorated. BDSM equipment everywhere, shiny, exciting, tempting. Eyes wide, Jessie saw a beautiful girl in the corner kneeling in perfect submission, naked, knees apart, back straight, gorgeous.
"Why are you here?"
"I saw you in the club and had to come. I wanted to apologize."
"You mean you saw me with the others and you want me to do the same to you."
"Yes."
"I don't think you could handle me now Jessie, unless you've learned to trust that is."
That angered me, my eyes flashing in challenge. "Maybe you can't handle me! You couldn't, before could you?
"Times have changed. I've learned a lot about the world you opened my eyes to."
"You think that little cunt in the corner is better than me?" I retorted, "I can last longer than her any day." I saw the sub's eyes flash in anger. He just laughed.
"My pet once stayed in that position for 78 hours, never moving, never complaining. You wouldn't last 78 minutes."
"Challenge ACCEPTED!" I yelled.
Nodding at his sub, she got a clock, looked at me with a smile, then started the timer.
In no time I was strapped to a bench, immobile, exposed, vulnerable. My ass burned gloriously from the strap. Skin full of goose bumps from the caresses. My nipples ached wondrously from the clamps. My pussy afire with desire that he denied. Teased, abused, brought to the edge over and over, begging for release. Leaning in he whispered,
"I'm gonna fuck you now. Cum in your cunt. Breed your pussy."
"NO!!!. Cum in my ass or mouth." I begged, pleaded. He knew my fear of pregnancy. Knew I didn't want kids. Hated them. My childhood was so fucked I wasn't ever having little brats.
WHACK!!! The kiss of the strap was swift and painful.
"Sluts don't decide, only the MASTER decides. Your pussy is MINE!!! Mine to fuck. Mine to abuse. Mine to BREED!!!"
I felt the tip of his cock pausing at my entrance and I trembled, my desire battling with my fear. His thick manhood pushed inside, and I screamed,
"RED! RED! RED!" My safe word.
Instantly he pulled out. Freed my bonds, tended my wounds, cleaned and dressed me. Eyes downcast, fingers pull my face up as he looked me in the eyes, then at his sub. Her eyes were bright as she held up the timer. It read '77 minutes.'
I was ashamed. He knew my buttons, my weakness. On the edge the whole time but denied release, he waited till the last to break me. Somehow, he KNEW I'd crumble, KNEW I couldn't, wouldn't, fully trust him.
At the door his Sub spoke for the first time. "You should have trusted Master."
"I can't, won't, risk having kids." I whispered.
"Master has had a vasectomy." She replied. "You were never at risk of getting pregnant."
Eyes wide in shock I sobbed "I didn't know!!!"
"Like I said, you should have trusted Master. Goodbye." Then the door closed.
I'd lost my chance for happiness, for submissive bliss. He would have taken me to heights I could only imagine, if I could only have learned to trust. I sobbed and fell to my knees in misery.
The End
- COMMENTS
I think you wrote a good story that drives home a point, I enjoyed the story but I was disappointed that the Dom was interested in breaking her and not giving her a real chance. He knew her fears and used them so she could not succeed in submitting to him. A good story for sure and I look forward to more from you. It does seem vindictive. He would have been better to not test her as he would not come off the way he did. Not too good a Dom that uses what he knows so she will fail.
You changed perspective halfway through. In the begining "SHE remembered" and "JESSIE followed him home". That's third person perspective. Then all of the sudden "that angered ME" and "I yelled". That's first person perspective.
You shouldn't change in the middle like that without a good reason. It's distracting and disorienting for the reader. Of course there are sometimes reasons to break those rules to achieve some kind of effect. But I didn't see that here - here it just looks sloppy.
Which is a real shame, because I think you've got a great little story here. Your dialouge was strong, your main character was surprisingly well developed, and your pacing was brisk, the way I like a story. The 750 word limit probably played a part in that. I enjoyed it, but I would have enjoyed it more if I didn't have to stop to figure out the perspective change.
He isn't a Dom. He's still a mad Ex. He knows her and uses that knowledge to make her fail. I don't think that's the goal of a Dom. He turned out to be a manipulative prick. What's fun about that?
1 star
I never thought of it that way but I can see your point. I was thinking more of him testing her rather than trying to break her but, after reading your comments I can see where I didn’t express that clearly.
Thanks for the input.
This is solid, especially for a new writer. You present the story in a crisp and clean manner, yet manage to give a great deal of detail. You've done this by weaving the details into the story. We know their basic background. We know who they each are now. We see why they don't work. Your dialogue is simple and direct, which fits the story.
You evoke emotion, but probably different ones depending on how the reader interprets the story and scene. You frame it as the subs' trust issue, and that is an issue. However, my emotions are flaming at the Dom for setting her up for failure. I really hate that, thus I'm pissed at him. Respect is freely given until there is reason not to respect. Trust is earned. He knows her fears. He spoke specifically to hit that fear and then acted in support of that. To me that's a violation of her submission. And he did it to make her fail. So. He's not a super-duper Dom. He's a vindictive ex.
Now, none of that is a criticism of your writing. It is one reader's interpretation and response based on personal preference and history. Readers won't always see what you see in your story,and that's okay. Take people's comments with a grain of salt. Learn from them, good or bad.