It's me, Licia.

(From a small notebook found in a garbage bin on
Boylston Street, Boston, most pages torn out.)

mistress, i just got home
yes, i know it’s so early
it’s 12:30 here nearly
i should just be starting looking for work
looking for cock for my cunt
but mistress, i got tired

i came home
i did get fucked twice only
the fucks were fucks
any cock is good
but i was hungry still and yet not hungry
mistress you know??????????

so i left
i came home
and i....fixed just now
and i am gonna float away
and i love you
and i am sorry for evrythng
eberythong went wrong
i wish it handyt

***

mistress
mistress
mistress
when I’m dead
maybe soon
will it matter to anyone????
to you???
does it matter that i’m alive????
the dividing line is thinner than i thought
you know?????
the dividing line mistress
it hardly matters
when a girl is 47
and has nothing left

the dividing line
does it even matter?????
mistress do you know?????

***

mistress it was all darkness
i went back to jail
for prostitution
then the sentence was added
because i was caught with cocaine and heroin
and i got sick, very sick
for a long time i was in a hospital and it’s a blur
then i remember that one day
i opened my eyes and i thought, the sun is rising
i could see it
i can’t explain it
all these people were always talking at me
finally, they let me go

i was so tired
i came home
yes, my same old ghost house
and i slept and slept
and people came to see me
and i wouldn’t see them
i was so crazy

and i lived off my whore money
and now sometimes i do some graphics
and i take walks
long walks
i don’t understand anything
i just am

***

i am a selfish whore
but i do wish you would talk to me
even only to beat me

because
i am the woman no one wants
and everyone wants
even you with all your professions
you don’t care
i might as well be dead
and i know you wish i were
you know it too
in your heart of hearts
and you may get your wish soon
but maybe not

your cold disapproval makes me want to stop
i don’t need heroin
i don’t need anything
i am alone and always have been
even now
you never were real anyway
archbishop, whoever

***

no right to
none at all
after what I’ve done
leaving you alone and
getting locked up and
fucked up
and crazy
but
anyway
mistress
i still
even so
i still
miss
you

your
slave
licia

***

when you are doing
whatever it is you do
when you are busy being
whoever it is you are
when you are busy busy
when you are successful and moneyed and prosperous
when the wine and the candlelight are glowing
when you open the door
and there is the person from Porlock
when you are alive and the sun is shining and you are free
when you feel as if you've conquered it all
when
you are at your pinnacle
whatever pinnacle that may be
do you ever
do you?
do you ever
do you ever wonder
well where is she now?
is she in the tank again
or is the needle in her arm
or is she wearing the leather skirt on boylston street
or is she sucking a cock just a bit too big for her mouth
or maybe one that fits snugly so she can deepthroat
and he pays happily
or pushing into her cunt with naked indifference to her
which only excites her more
slut that she is
do you ever wonder?
the needles, the cocks, all the invasions
where is she now?
if only she knew

***

mistress one of the cocks
was very big and gorgeous
a spanish man
or whatever puertro rican
or whatever or mexican
anyway
it was wonderful to suck
and then when he pushed it into my cunt
mistress oh wow
anyway
mistress
it’s me
licia
and i am at sea

***

mistress
i hope you...remember me
with many kisses from
your slave
licia

***

ok mistress yes
i'm violating probation again
drinking again
drinking again
and again
ok
yes
ok
anyway
mistress
i wonder about bigger things
why is all this
what is all this for
what am i for??????????????????????
i know i’m a slave
that’s all i know
but a slave for what?????????
anyway

where are you tonight mistress????
what are you doing??????
if i were in your cage with sweet brynn
welllll
that would be that
but mistress
i miss you

***

mistress
in school
you may be surprised
i was a shy girl
i didn’t talk to anyone
then i thought
wait
i know what i can do
and i started sucking their cocks
and i became...popular

see how it all was????
it was so clear to me
i still remember when i realized
i was sitting in a class
seventh grade or maybe sixth
and i thought
oh...that is how it works
i have this that they want
and they will always want it
and i can always give it

maybe every woman realizes that at some point
i dont know
but then i think i came to like it too much myself
first it was to get them
and then it got me
or am i exaggerating???
i dont know

***

i’m talking to a wall
you’re not a wall
you’re just busy with more important matters
everyone always has been
i should be used to it by now
i’m sorry mistress
if you were here you could whip me
for my impertinence
and i know i’d deserve every lash
and gratefully lick your cunt after
but instead
scotch and my rachmaninoff

***

mistress
you’re probably sleeping now
or waking in the dawn
greetings from here
where?
nowhere really
but just
your
licia

mistress
if i could be with you
maybe i could explain
but then again
that was what i could never do
not with my brother or my sister
both of them are gone
and my parents
and my husband
my ex-husband
or anyone
it doesn’t matter i guess
i wonder what does matter
mistress do you ever wonder that?????

***

one drug addicted whore doesn’t matter
but what does?????
does anything????????
i know religion is bunk
i’m not going back to any priest
but what can i go back to?????
what was i put on the earth for????
so lots of cocks could come in my cunt
and mouth????
apparently that’s the answer
is it?????

***

mistress
everything is so dark

***

mistress
i know
i have no right
none
nothing
nada
zip
no right
none
none
zero
i’m on the floor
naked
oiled
head down
ass up
knowing i have no right
knowing i’ve been presumptuous
knowing i’m a slave
and that slaves have no right to think
and i’ve been thinking too much
have to stop
have to stop
have to stop
thinking
and be
your
licia
whether you care
to pay me any notice
or not

***

mistress
have you considered the penis????
such an invention
i have this hole
and it fills it perfectly
and in my mouth also
it thrills me as i thrill it
pulsing with the excitement
i give it with my tongue
wellll

anyway mistress
cocks
men have cocks
i’ve had so many cocks
as a whore mistress i really have
and have come so many times
from those cocks in my cunt
and what good has it been????
mistress what has it gotten me???????
mistress am i asking the wrong questions????
then what are the right ones?????????????????????????

***

yes mistress
you probably already know but anyway
yes
i’ve had a couple of drinks tonight
and mistress tonight i’m wondering about
god
and why
why he
filled the earth full of predators
and why he made slaves with no masters
and masters with no slaves
and why he made a world full of misery
yes, they used to say "redemptive suffering"
i never understood that
in arabic or english
i never understood it
here let me torture you so that you’ll be better
why would anyone ever get that idea???????

***

mistress
you have every reason not to care for me
i know mistress
while i was in lockup licking charlottes cunt
she was a guard
she protected me
and when i was in halfway
in heroin withdrawal nightmares
did i ever tell you mistress?
when i was so little i would have nightmares
and cry and my sister, she has passed away said
"girl, what’s the matter???"
and i would say "night mayor...
the night mayor visited me again"
the night mayor...
i used to picture him...
with a top hat and tuxedo and sash...
sinister...
the night mayor...
anyway

you were all this time thinking i was dead
and i guess i was in most ways
but just still inconveniently breathing
and i wasn’t with you
so why after all that should you care
if i am here and tugging
at your sleeve now?

***

i am no one
i am no one or ‘t is like odysseus said
i got a bottle of scotch today
yes, i did
i know i know
i violated probation
i’m drinking it now
it is very good
and i am no one

mistress
i am just
your
licia
also
working again
just a bit
just four cocks
in the last few days

***

i should have
maybe
written a book
like the brontes
like jane austen
i should have written
poems
like emily
(dickenson...
do you know english literature?????)
maybe i should have
done something
something
something, mistress
with my life

i dedicated it to
making cocks hard
and then making them soft
i love cocks, mistress
making them erect - an erect cock shows i’m desired
its irrefutable proof
and then a cock softening in my mouth
or hand
shows i’ve done well
i’m worthwhile as a woman
but penis
is that all it’s about?
we are enshrouded with a fog of darkness
if there is god he is silent
and leaves us to our own misery
so
why not just get fucked????????????????????????

***

my mother

she was right
she used to say
your problem
your problem is
you think too much
but mostly now
so many years later
i have learned
not to

***

yes, ok i am drinking again
but i do wonder
what will become of me
and what the world needs
with another useless cunt

***

i don’t know what to say

what is there to say, really
in the face of the howling absurdity of all things
and the invincible existential longing
that no one answers or will answer
and the injustice and cruelty
that cries for redress
and will have none
the weak trampled by the strong
the powerless used by the powerful
the pain inflicted
the lives wasted
and no one is listening
and no one is calling
the loneliness
the loneliness
of
every
thing