I hope that the next chapter is prompt I hate having to catch up after a week or weeks. This is a good story but there is a lot of tedious and superfluous detail.
This is the first time I have made a Second comment. I was one of a smaller group that appreciates the potential of this tale, but I dislike it greatly when a story that promises the next segment in two days fails to do so. I only hope it doesn't mean you are changing something to accommodate the naysayers or didn't actually have the entirety ready for submission as you stated.
First the story live was above average but a bit boring. I feel the writer could have done a better job of making g “ not so rote”. Next the guy is a motion. His wife loved him and she is very hot. Also, he was the one who pussied out when he met the hot redhead. Finally thewife, even though she was disrespected, should have told him no you fucking dope. All in all very average wothhimnotdeserving her at all.
somewhere around the middle of the 2nd page, I got lost trying to count all the changes from married, not married, divorced, not divorced, maybe married, maybe not... confusing as all hell.. and not even the husband and wife seem to actually know, in words and action, if they're still married or not. REALLY confusing.
wow and i thought America's "justice" system was bad lol. what was the time for the 2 goon was it 18 months i think. for attempted murder even if it was just assault with bodily harm would have been at least 4 to 8 years
For me, the story was toast when I managed to get about three hundred words into it. The totally crushed husk of a man description was so over-the-top and over-written as to suggest satire. First, the ALL-CAPS menu of malaise and mayhem was something I've seen in adolescent/teen writing projects. Ennui and angst are poor substitutes for realistic portrayals of emotion. This example evoked nothing, set up MC as a whiny, fragile man, and cast the rest of the narrative in a light that suggested overly dramatic, cliched extremes. The shat/pissed/snotty/tear-stained allusion further cemented that impression. His total dissolution is more in keeping with a person who is mentally unstable or mentally disturbed. There's almost a competition amongst some writers to see who can write the whiniest, saddest, most crushed male character. As a famous writer once told an audience of aspiring writers, "Stay out of the extremes, which is where the easy writing is. Work in the hard-working middle where character, story, and plot abide." In this case, I can't find anything admirable about MC. I feel only pity and revulsion one does when I see a person wallowing. The rest of the story wasn't bad, but the first thousand words of a story either hold the reader off or move on. I finished more out of curiosity. This whole tome is terribly over-written, because like all of us, you need an editor. Badly. Three stars because there is a story in here, but it's trapped under the ice.
Overall, a fairly well written story. Just a few mistakes. Such as changing Tom into Tim and back again. But, as usual, alcohol is used extensively. Drugs play a main role and going to church? Why? It's a complete waste of time and just filler for the story. But, worst of all...He joins the Fox Network?! What, is he a stupid Trump supporter?
was a bit jarring in places, as you jumped, quickly, unexpected between locations, scenes, and characters, and you can only figure it out by backup up a bit, and figuring out what happened.. a few extra line breaks, maybe a simple '* * *' between scenes, would make this a lot easier to read straight through, without losing immersion in the story.
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Looking forward to further chapters.
I hope that the next chapter is prompt I hate having to catch up after a week or weeks. This is a good story but there is a lot of tedious and superfluous detail.
Excellent story. I didn't understand the the firsts but didn't really give it much thought. Still 5stars
This is the first time I have made a Second comment. I was one of a smaller group that appreciates the potential of this tale, but I dislike it greatly when a story that promises the next segment in two days fails to do so. I only hope it doesn't mean you are changing something to accommodate the naysayers or didn't actually have the entirety ready for submission as you stated.
The better woman won, and the cheating bitch lost.
First the story live was above average but a bit boring. I feel the writer could have done a better job of making g “ not so rote”. Next the guy is a motion. His wife loved him and she is very hot. Also, he was the one who pussied out when he met the hot redhead. Finally thewife, even though she was disrespected, should have told him no you fucking dope. All in all very average wothhimnotdeserving her at all.
Pretty much every author on this site has no idea that there is a difference between discrete and discreet.
rehab with her - no way
somewhere around the middle of the 2nd page, I got lost trying to count all the changes from married, not married, divorced, not divorced, maybe married, maybe not... confusing as all hell.. and not even the husband and wife seem to actually know, in words and action, if they're still married or not. REALLY confusing.
wow and i thought America's "justice" system was bad lol. what was the time for the 2 goon was it 18 months i think. for attempted murder even if it was just assault with bodily harm would have been at least 4 to 8 years
where do we find part 6? By the way, good writing.
For me, the story was toast when I managed to get about three hundred words into it. The totally crushed husk of a man description was so over-the-top and over-written as to suggest satire. First, the ALL-CAPS menu of malaise and mayhem was something I've seen in adolescent/teen writing projects. Ennui and angst are poor substitutes for realistic portrayals of emotion. This example evoked nothing, set up MC as a whiny, fragile man, and cast the rest of the narrative in a light that suggested overly dramatic, cliched extremes. The shat/pissed/snotty/tear-stained allusion further cemented that impression. His total dissolution is more in keeping with a person who is mentally unstable or mentally disturbed. There's almost a competition amongst some writers to see who can write the whiniest, saddest, most crushed male character. As a famous writer once told an audience of aspiring writers, "Stay out of the extremes, which is where the easy writing is. Work in the hard-working middle where character, story, and plot abide." In this case, I can't find anything admirable about MC. I feel only pity and revulsion one does when I see a person wallowing. The rest of the story wasn't bad, but the first thousand words of a story either hold the reader off or move on. I finished more out of curiosity. This whole tome is terribly over-written, because like all of us, you need an editor. Badly. Three stars because there is a story in here, but it's trapped under the ice.
A very unique ending. It was very entertaining. 5 stars.
Overall, a fairly well written story. Just a few mistakes. Such as changing Tom into Tim and back again. But, as usual, alcohol is used extensively. Drugs play a main role and going to church? Why? It's a complete waste of time and just filler for the story. But, worst of all...He joins the Fox Network?! What, is he a stupid Trump supporter?
was a bit jarring in places, as you jumped, quickly, unexpected between locations, scenes, and characters, and you can only figure it out by backup up a bit, and figuring out what happened.. a few extra line breaks, maybe a simple '* * *' between scenes, would make this a lot easier to read straight through, without losing immersion in the story.